April 17th, 2011 by Kateastrophe
In case anyone is interested, all the gory details of my D&E are over on Growing Kateastrophe. It’s not pretty and I don’t hold back so if you don’t want the whole story, I wouldn’t click.
You’ve been warned.
April 14th, 2011 by Kateastrophe
So I had this big surprise post all ready to unveil to the world on Tuesday. It was written and everything, it was just missing one word.
Boy or Girl.
Unfortunately, I’ll never be able to fill in that word because once again, for the third time in a row, we lost our baby. I’d made it so much further this time. I was 14.5 weeks today. We had a ten week ultrasound and that baby was hopping around and practically doing flips. I got to twelve weeks and realized we were pretty much out of the woods and I wanted to shout it from the rooftops but I knew at our next appointment we’d most likely find out what we were having so I wanted to wait. And then yesterday the gush of blood came yet again. I kept hoping that it was just one of those weird things that happens where I would just bleed a lot and the baby would be fine but my luck with pregnancy does not seem to be taking a turn for the better. Our baby stopped growing a week ago and, to add icing to this deliciously sucky cake, it’s too big for a traditional miscarriage or D&C. I’m getting the choice between admitting myself to the hospital and inducing labor or getting a D&E (do yourselves a favor and don’t look it up) which is the surgical option for a second trimester miscarriage. It’s like someone just offered to let me shoot myself in the face or break my own femur. Both totally suck. We think we’re going to go with the D&E because the thought of having to essentially give birth to my dead child is probably the hardest thing I can imagine ever having to do. The D&E is fairly barbaric sounding but it’s over quickly and it’s common for miscarriages this late and there are studies that show that it has less complications than inducing labor.
It’s ironic because just two days ago a friend posted on her blog that she had a miscarriage and I shared my experience of losing two and said it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but not to worry, it gets better. I seem to be eating my words. That day it was better because for all I knew I had a healthy baby inside of me and was planning which stroller and crib I wanted and getting excited to decorate the nursery in the coming months. Today it feels like the whole world has imploded on me and I’m once again hollow and broken and devoid of the power of womanhood. I realize those things are not actually true but I cannot explain the feelings of inadequacy and failure that are hitting me like bricks. Something in me is killing these babies. Something in me is wrong and will never be right.
Now that I’ve had the “required” three miscarriages, the barrage of infertility tests start. Now I will be poked and prodded and hopefully we will find a solution but right now the thought of trying this again and the possibility of going through this again is more than I can bear. I want to say I’m throwing in the towel and adopting a Chinese baby but I’m pretty sure that will change in a few months.
I’m struggling to stay positive with these things because all around me I see people who are doing it “wrong” when we, at least on paper, did things so “right.” Now, I get that my right and someone else’s right are SO not the same thing and I understand that each person decides what is right for themselves. But allow me to wax judgemental for just a second. I knew a couple who pretty much had nothing. They could barely afford rent on a tiny 350 square foot apartment in a town where rent is not notoriously expensive. She was working, barely making minimum wage and he was up to his eyeballs in school debt and trying to finish his degree racking up even more of it when they got pregnant. Upon finding out they were expecting she immediately quit her job and he quit school and started working for minimum wage and they relied of welfare and the charity of others to pay for everything they needed. Now that their baby is born they are still relying on welfare and charity and not even close to making ends meet. They have a happy, healthy baby and I agree that is never “wrong” because having a baby and raising a family is a wonderful thing to do, and being well off financially isn’t the only way to do it, but in my opinion it certainly isn’t a smart way to go about it. There is a list of people having babies who maybe shouldn’t be just yet or those who might not deserve them and it’s a mile long. I know it sounds horrible but I’m mad at all of them. And I get it. It’s not my call to make. It’s not my family, not my uterus, not my money and obviously not my charity because I’ve very openly run the hell out of that, in case you couldn’t tell. I guess I just want to be mad at someone right now and that group seems to be the easiest target right now.
So there’s the third most depressing post I’ve ever written. I’m going to be fine, I know I am, I just hate waiting around for that to happen. Tomorrow, instead of going to Vegas to celebrate a friend’s birthday I’m going to be mourning the loss of another baby that I will never hold. So those of you who have babies, hold them a little closer for me and maybe send some happy thoughts our way. We could really use them right now.
April 5th, 2011 by Kateastrophe
A few weeks ago when Matt and his friends decided to do a semi-spontaneous (for them) trip to Vegas to watch our college team, the BYU Cougars - and don’t forget about Jimmer - play in the Mountain West Conference Tournament. I was thrilled to get out of town and spend the weekend in a fancy pants hotel despite not being a huge fan of Vegas as a vacation spot. That whole Mormon thing just takes some of the lustre out of gambling, drinking and smoking at will. Call me crazy. I do, however, love the restaurants, the shopping and the shows. So I suppose I have a 50/50 love/indifference relationship with Vegas.
We stayed at the Aria for the second time in a year. We love it. It’s new, it’s clean, it’s posh and it’s not eight million dollars like the Cosmopolitan (which was actually my first choice. Boo $400 a night). We ate at some of my personal favorites - Max Brenner and Serendipity. We attempted my favorite breakfast at Hash House A-Go-Go but the hour and a half wait was more than our starving selves could handle. We tried STK at Cosmo which had amazing food, but was SO LOUD. And apparently making a reservation means they’ll sit you at some point within half an hour of your arrival. What the what? If the food hadn’t been so good I would give it two big thumbs down but it’s sort of an in-betweener for me. Maybe better on a week night when they aren’t trying to make it a club AND a restaurant? The hotel was amazing though and is absolutely worth just hanging out in for a few hours. Someday when they lower their rates to less than my mortgage I’ll stay there.
Unfortunately, I missed the really great game where BYU beat New Mexico for the first time this year and Jimmer (if you don’t know who he is, please do yourself a favor and go find some of his highlights. I’m close to being talked into naming our first child after him - boy OR girl - I love him that much) scored a career high 52 points. The new job prevented me from taking a day off so I had to fly out that night. The second game - the championship - was rough. San Diego State handed out a butt-kicking to the Cougs. Also? San Diego State fans are officially my least favorite humans. It’s rare that people offend me and get under my skin and this crowd was really able to do that. Insulting my religion and things that are sacred and special to me at a college basketball game with the kind of disrespect and language that they were using is just crossing the line. I’m all for a good Mormon joke and poking fun at people’s quirks but this was OUT OF CONTROL. Needless to say that walking away from that with a loss was painful but what can you do?
Oh and we shopped. I have a new best shopping friend in Matt’s friend’s wife Courtney. We made out like bandits at Coach, Kate Spade, Banana Republic and a bunch of other stores at the big outlet mall north of town. Courtney actually did much better than I did but we both walked away with some treasures and matching necklaces we accidentally both wore the next morning.
We had a great time and I think maybe we should make it an annual tradition. I loved getting to know Matt’s friends and their wives better and spending time with my husband away from our busy lives and responsibilities is always a bonus. We SUCKED at taking pictures on this trip but managed to get one halfway decent one on our last night out. It’s only halfway decent because my fat head managed to block out half of Matt’s face but he’s almost really smiling which is rare in pictures and he’s a total babe. Rawr. Also, I was wearing sequins. Because it’s Vegas and I could.
After this trip I decide Matt and I just don’t travel enough, especially considering the relative lack of ties we have to home on the weekends. There are a multitude of reasons for this and some (many) will even say that I’m lying and we travel more than most people, but I would disagree. Our Europe trip has been put on hold AGAIN thanks to the new job. Many of the weekends we’d use to travel end up spent catching up on our much needed and much missed sleep. Plus I think my idea of travel includes a plane and exotic places I’ve either never seen before or am dying to see again. The places we can go on our short weekends are limited and, let’s be honest, sort of lame when compared with places like Venice, Paris, London and the other cities I dream of spending all my time in so rather than trucking to Tucson (which we did once. Snoozer.) we sort of just stay home and try to save up time, energy and fundage for big trips. But I’m going to try to forget about that and be a little more adventerous and find places to go on little weekend excursions.
I started this weekend. I requested a Jeep ride without a destination. If you know me, you’ll know my least favorite thing to do is drive around aimlessly with no goal, no idea where my next meal is going to come from and the possibility of needing a bathroom and not having one. I threw caution to the wind (literally - you should have seen my Jeep hair) and we drove around the outskirts of Phoenix for almost four hours, listening to music, talking, laughing and just having a blast. It was awesome and now I’m praying the heat spell we had last week was a fluke and we have at least a couple more months of awesome weather so we can do it again. I’m hoping for a trip to California in the near future and I’m trying to come up with somewhere new and different that’s within driving distance. Maybe New Mexico? Maybe I can pretend it won’t make me crazy and set off without a specific destination and we’ll just find a place to stay? I may not be that brave yet but we’ll see…
Eventually, so help me, we will get to Europe and have the vacation of a lifetime (scratch that, MANY of them)but until then, here’s hoping for some amazing adventures a little closer to home!
March 21st, 2011 by Kateastrophe
SO, my cold got better. And then we got a whole lot of wind here in the Valley of the Sun. Que my allergies. It’s been super pleasant. I’m a sneezing, non-breathing machine. Pleasant.
Work continues to be awesome and challenging and everything I think a job should be. My cube is dark and cold but the people are still amazing and I still love what I’m doing. It’s been a whole two weeks of doing it so I’m sure at some point I’ll have a day where I hate it, but for now, two thumbs up other than the fact that I’m currently procrastinating fixing the report I’ve got open in another window right next to this one…at 9:00 at night, after working on it most of the afternoon. It was my first big report and, shockingly, I screwed it up. My bad. But what’s awesome is that no one is mad at me and they’re all helping me learn how to fix it. Best screw up ever.
In other news, everyone in my office loves Thai food and that seems to be the lunch meal of choice. I myself have never been a huge Thai fan but I decided to give it another go. So far, so good. Not a whole lot of Thai spice for me but Pad Thai is surprisingly delicious. I know you’re all very excited about that discovery for me. You can stop the applause. Seriously.
In sort of non-work related news, there’s been lots and lots on my mind lately. Between the unbelievable natural disaster in Japan to the uneasiness in so many countries, I’m worried about the world in general. Then there’s just a lot going on with myself and people/things around me. I can’t talk about most of it because a) I don’t really want to talk too much about work here, b) some of the things on my mind are not at a point where I can share them or they are not my stories to share, and c) quite frankly I just don’t have time to hash it all out. It’s frustrating because I am not used to being THIS busy and I usually have more time to attempt to be there for the people around me more than I’ve been able to lately. I’d probably feel really guilty if I had time to really stop and think about all the things I’m NOT doing, especially for others. I won’t even get into the things I’m not doing for me. Let’s put it this way…we just barely put our dining room table back in the dining room from when we moved it out for my birthday party. On December 30th. I’m sure you can imagine the state of my bathrooms. Where’s that housekeeper I ordered?!
Hopefully things calm down soon and I have some time to enjoy the amazing Phoenix weather before we start burning alive. Sadly, that is just around the corner. Yay summer?
March 5th, 2011 by Kateastrophe
I have a blog? Weird…
As I’m sure you’ve gathered things got a little nuts around here. After giving three weeks notice at work, we interviewed the perfect girl the next morning…and then took two weeks to decide to hire her. And by we I don’t really mean “we.” During those two weeks I spent a lot of time writing instructions and tying up loose ends and throwing our yearly awards banquet. Then I had a whirlwind four days to get her trained and ready to go. It was complete insanity.
Last weekend I think my body had finally had it and decided to succumb to the sickness that’s been floating around so I started my new job Monday with a bad cold. Luckily my first two days were in a computer lab doing basic orientation and security training but unfortunately, by the time I headed to meet my team and start my real job, I wasn’t much better. I’m sure my team was super excited to have the “new girl” sneezing and blowing her nose a lot in the cube next door. Despite this I’ve already managed to make a new friends and think I will LOVE my team. I’m back in the world of geeky technology surrounded by nerdy developers and web weirdos and I’m so happy to be there. Real Estate was so not the world for me, just so we’re clear on that. The company takes SUCH good care of their employees in so many ways. We get a certain amount of money every month per employee and we’re “forced” to use it go go play. Our team saved up three months worth and is headed for a full day VIP tour of the Out of Africa park next week. There’s a rumor we get to feed a tiger. I wish I were joking. Only downside so far is that I’m back in a dark cubicle and no longer in my swank corner office. Oh and the parking blows. I’ll miss my free underground space. But really, the trade-off is so worth it.
My actual job is going to be awesome. And hard. Really hard. I’m responsible for the website pathway of the second largest revenue stream in a very lucrative company. Roughly $10M a MONTH comes through my areas and I’m in charge of making them more lucrative - planning, designing, the whole thing. Holy crapoly. Right now I’m learning about our site and products and then next week we’re starting a re-design. Might as well jump right in the deep end, right? I will be busy all the time and I can already tell I’m really going to love it. I may have to finagle my voice students around due to the overtime I’m sure I’ll be working but I’m hoping to be able to figure something out that works for everyone.
The weather in Phoenix has been amazing and being sick has really made me miss out on the amazing 80 degree days. Today I have all the windows open and I’m wishing I could go hiking. I’m also missing my exercise. I was up to almost 3 miles two weeks ago when the crap hit the fan. Hopefully I can pick up right where I left off when I’m finally feeling better. I’m really hoping to run a 4.2 mile race next month but I’m not holding my breath that it will actually happen.
Matt continues to work his (very nice) butt off. They just moved his office which more than doubled his commute (boo) but he keeps trucking along. It seems the company and his team love him but right now we don’t see a whole lot of each other. Aaaaand of course with a new job our European vacation had to be postponed. Again. BOO. But we’ll go, mark my words. It just might have to wait six months or so until I have the vacation built up.
And now that I’ve absolutely bored all of you to tears, I’m signing off to go lay on the couch some more in hopes this cold will finally go away. Wish me luck.
February 15th, 2011 by Kateastrophe
Well, Matt and I have become “that couple.” We were out shopping at Target on Saturday (looking for light bulbs. Aren’t we exciting?) and as we saw all the Valentine’s cards and candy, we realized that neither one of us had even thought of what to do for the other for Valentine’s Day.
We decided to move it to next Saturday.
See? That couple.
In fairness, it was on a Monday. And we’ve been insanely busy. Matt’s financial deadline at work is always the 15th so the 14th is the worst day of every month for him. Since giving my notice at work I’ve been “blessed” with insanity and a side of drama to usher me out the door. Plus the stress/anticipation of a new job is building steadily. Matt’s been sick for ten days and I’m fighting it off. We both pass out on the couch around 9:30 every night and have to drag ourselves into our bed whenever one of us is concious enough to make it happen. Last night was no exception. Again, that couple.
However, we have big plans for Saturday. We’ve got nothing to distract us from the day togetherness and we have reservations at the Brazilian chiaroscuro restaurant in Scottsdale and I’ve got some other fun stuff up my sleeve. Hopefully we can salvage this holiday although, as my husband pointed out in the Target candy aisle “We love each other every single day. We don’t need no stinkin’ Valentines.”
Sigh. That couple.
February 7th, 2011 by Kateastrophe
It appears that my prayers to get out of my own head and find ways to be happy and productive have paid off in a big way. January made a diving save on day 28 and is officially forgiven for sucking so extraordinarily. I’m so grateful it redeemed itself and it seems my prediction that 2011 will be my best year ever has already started to come true.
I just got back from a five day Disney World vacation and while I was there I got word from back here in AZ that I was offered a dream job at a dream company. With a dream salary and dream benefits. Downside? I had to give my notice today exactly five minutes after returning from said Disney vacation and watch the mayhem unfold. OK fine, that’s not really a downside. It’s more like a little hiccup which will cause the next three weeks to be a little strained and stressful. But it’s so worth it. I’m giddy with excitement.
For the record, Disney World is the most magical place on earth and I want to live there. With these girls. Love them.
Yay for DisneyWorld and yay for new jobs. Happy Monday and even Happier February!
January 19th, 2011 by Kateastrophe
So, if I’m being honest, my last post was supposed to have about ten more things on it. I wrote the post over several days and when I hit publish, it had some sort of freaky error and only published half my stuff. BOO. It was a sweet post too. It had links to all the stuff and fancy pictures and the whole shebang. Double boo.
SO, I decided to try to reconstruct the second part just for fun. So here you go.
1. NARS “Orgasm” Powder Blush.
I cannot be held responsible for the name, that’s what it’s called. I was doing a friend’s make-up once and I was telling her this was my most favorite blush ever and that it looked good on everyone. She asked what it was called and I shyly told her and her response was CLASSIC. “Well, no wonder it looks good on everyone!” HA! So, lots of people like the creme blush but I love the powder. It’s an awesome light pink with lots of gold so that it gives you the perfect flush. Plus it lasts for-ev-er. I bought mine three years ago and I’m just now at the point where it’s time to buy a new one. I get mine at Sephora but they carry it at Nordstrom, Saks and probably lots of other places too.
As a side note, I’m also a fan of “Deep Throat” for the occasions where I want a darker flush. It’s also fantastic. They also have “Super Orgasm” which I can’t wait to try. (And oh the searches I’m sure I’ll get after these last two paragraphs…)
2. Tangled
If you haven’t seen this movie, do yourself a favor and go right now. It’s so awesome. I would even be willing to say I like it as much as Little Mermaid and that is saying A LOT. Plus I love Mandy Moore and Zachary Levi so the fact that they’re the voices is a total bonus. I’m planning on seeing it again in the theatre. It’s sweet and funny and romantic and great for kids and adults. My husband even enjoyed it.
ZOMG I love my silver glitter Tom’s. They are comfy and they seriously make me want to dance everywhere because HELLO, silver glitter! I also love that they go to such a great cause. One for One. Every pair of Tom’s shoes purchased means an underpriveledged child somewhere in the world gets a free pair of shoes. I tried to convince my husband this was a great reason for me to get black and pink and gold AND silver glitter shoes, but he isn’t quite on board yet. You can buy them online at Toms.com but I got mine at Nordstrom because I had a gift card.
4. Basa Body
OK, so I’m weird with trends. Some I’m all for (see: Tom’s) others, I seem to resist forever before I finally jump on the bandwagon (skinny jeans) and others I just avoid forever and ever (sandal boots). Basa Body, due to the C. Jane phenomenon, seemed trendy. My oldest bestie Sheila came to town this weekend and brought me a Basa Body Stick and Peppermint Lip Butter and wowsers do I love both. The stick is great for chapped skin, eczema (thank you, Arizona), elbows, knees, feet…whatever. It smells divine and if you give it a second it soaks in completely and doesn’t leave any gross residue. The lip butter might just be my favorite thing ever. It has the peppermint extract for the tingle and the slight breath freshening and then it works miracles on my yucky chapped lips. And again, it’s for a good cause. The company was founded to give women in Kenya jobs to support and feed their families. You can read all about it here.
5. Homemade Tortilla Mix
So I was innocently walking down the flour isle at Walmart a while ago and something strange caught my eye…tortilla mix. It was like $3 so I thought I’d give it a shot. It’s amazing. You add water and mix it up and let it sit for ten minutes and then you roll out little tortillas and heat them on a griddle or big pan. That’s it! They are delicious and they aren’t bad for you because they skip the lard step so common in tortillas. Matt and I both love Mexican food and I have often wondered if one could become a burrito or quesadilla from eating too many of them, so we are picky. These things pass the test. A bag probably makes 100 tortillas, depending on how small you roll them out so it’s totally worth the money.
Ok folks, that’s all I’ve got time for right now but I have a whole list of stuff I want to share. I’ve had some suggestions emailed to me and commented that I can’t wait to try so I’d love to hear more about your favorite things!
January 8th, 2011 by Kateastrophe
I’m not sure that anyone cares, but I’ve been thinking a lot about the things that make my life easier, more fun or just plain “more gooder” as my Stepfather used to say. I thought I’d share them with you! Just as a side note, nobody is paying me to say any of this. These are my honest to goodness favorite things.
1. My Apple Magic Trackpad.
At first, I was like WTH is this thing and how does it work? I couldn’t double-click, figure out the right-click (that’s right, Apple die-hards. I will NEVER surrender my right click! Shortcuts are for the birds! Unless they’re called CTRL-C, X or V.) Now I LOVE this thing. I have figured out how to maneuver it for the basics and now I’m on to the fancy advanced features such as the four finger swipe. SHAZAM! If you have an iMac I highly recommend it. Thank you Santa-Matt for the Christmas gift.
2. Speaking of Christmas gifts, holy surprise, Batman! Santa-Matt also upgraded the DSLR…BIG TIME! I had to trade in the trusty Rebel XTi but I am now the proud owner/operator of a Canon 60D. Ta-daa!
While it’s not for someone who hasn’t taken at least a beginner DSLR camera course, it might be the coolest camera ever. It has a hi-def video camera, 18.lots of megapixels, up to 6500 (!!!!) ISO (translation: you can take decent pictures in the DARK without a FLASH!) and all sorts of other bells and whistles. I’m still working on figuring it out and next I have GOT to take another class to get used to my fancy pants flash and other stuff, but I’m in love with it.
3. Streaming Netflix. HOW DID I LIVE WITHOUT THIS? We have been able to watch/become addicted to countless TV shows sans commercials or having to wait through the pesky summer for the next season, we watch (lots of times weird) movies all the time and holy johnnies I love it. We are able to stream it through our upstairs Xbox 360 and downstairs through the Blu-ray OR the Wii. And on the computer if necessary. And it comes with the monthly minimum Netflix subscription. Maybe the best $10 a month we’ve ever spent.
4. C.O. Bigelow’s Rose Salve from Bath & Body Works
Back in December my Phoenix girls and I got together and had a “Favorite Things” gift exchange. It’s like a White Elephant but with GOOD gifts. We all had to bring something we couldn’t live without that was under $10. People brought the COOLEST stuff but my favorite discovery was this amazing stuff. My friend Alisha is very into all-natural products and she loves the C.O. Bigelow line because it’s just that and this stuff is awesome. It’s for dry elbows, lips, cuticles, whatever. And it smells delish. It’s on sale right now so you should go get some.
So this girl? Can bake. She went to a fancy-pants culinary school on full scholarship and then worked as a pastry chef. Now she does it on the side while raising four of the cutest kids you’ll ever see. She makes the most delicious cakes and LOOK AT THAT CAKE UP THERE! All those flowers are made of gum paste or something like that. They’re edible. She makes them herself. And she makes the best cheesecake I’ve ever had. And the best blueberry scones. And the best cookies. And the best everything. If you’re in the Phoenix area and looking for a cake or a baked goodie, please do yourself a favor and give her a call. She does cakes for all my company and personal events. (I sound so snotty. Alllll my events pshaw. My birthday cakes. But for my company she really does everything, I swear.) Confession: Michelle is my friend. Like, I get to go to her house and eat her food a lot. And hang out with her. It’s awesome You should all be jealous.
When Oprah said this was like a face lift in a jar she wasn’t kidding. I love this stuff. I love all of Philosophy’s stuff, to be honest but this is my most favorite. I have finicky, dry skin and Arizona really hasn’t helped the issue. I get compliments on my skin a lot and it’s all due to constant sunscreen, limited sun exposure and this stuff. I buy it in the face care sets because a) it saves money and b) their face washes and microderm abrasion kits are also to die for. So is their eye cream. SEE? I love everything.
7. M.A.C. 224 Tapered Blending Brush
Not even joking when I tell you this is the BEST MAKE-UP BRUSH EVER. If you want your basic, everyday eye make-up to look stupendous, do yourself a favor and go get this thing. It does crease shadow to perfection and it’s worth the money because if you take relatively good care of it (I wash mine about once every three months with baby shampoo and am careful not to let water get inside the metal part) it will last you forever. I’ve had mine for ten years. That’s not an exaggeration. I love all my M.A.C brushes but they’re expensive and they’re the only ones I will buy. I’ve been slowly adding one at a time to my collection so now I have a lot but if you’re looking for one great brush to get started or to add to your collection, this is the one to start with. It’s the one I started with and still the one I use most.
SO there you have a few of my favorite things right now. I’ll try to do this every few months because I’ve always loved reading other people’s lists and I figure I’ve got some little treasures of my own to share! I will always only tell you about things I REALLY use and I REALLY love. Let me know if you have any special requests or questions!
January 3rd, 2011 by Kateastrophe
Here’s to love, laughter and a brand new year filled with endless possibility and a little bit of magic.
Love, Matt and Kate
