December 3rd, 2008 by Kateastrophe

The world is full of cheaters and liars, this fact I know to be true because I myself, who I know to be a good person, am still a cheater and a liar.

The first and only time I ever cheated on a test I got caught. I was in fifth grade and we were required to write down all of the Presidents of the United States in order. I couldn’t remember Polk for the life of me. So I glanced at the girl next to me and found the missing name, filled it in on my paper and got 100% on the test. Someone saw and told on me and I was asked to take the test again. That time I missed Taft. I guess missing on out of 41 (I think there were 41 at that time) wasn’t so bad, but I felt like a failure. AND I cheated.

I’m pretty sure that cheating on my President’s test in fifth grade didn’t affect the person I became or have a huge impact on my life now, but I sometimes feel lucky that I got caught because it scared me into never cheating in school again. Maybe I would have turned into a super cheater and cheated my way through life after that. Who knows? And I’d be lying if I said I haven’t cheated on anything since then.

When I was in high school my girlfriends and I were all really good kids. We weren’t underage drinking or having sex under the bleachers. We had a tight group of friends and going to bed on the weekends just wasn’t fun. We used to sneak out of whichever house we were staying at that weekend and just drive around our little town, laughing and having a good old time. Every once in a while we’d get caught and the lies would spew forth. Someone had been sick. We’d been at one persons house and our parents had misheard we’d been somewhere else. On and on it would go. Then, one day we spent the night at our friend Katy’s house. We came in at 4 am, just as her Mom was getting up for work. We all freaked out, knowing all our parents were going to be called and grounding would ensue. Elizabeth, Katy’s mom, looked at all of us and asked us where we’d been. “Out and about, just hanging out. We just got back about five minutes ago.” Katy replied. “Awesome! Glad you’re home. Sleep well, girls!”

I’d never seen anything like it. Katy just looked at her Mom, told her the truth, and Elizabeth trusted her and knew we weren’t in any trouble and let it go. Now, I realize a bunch of teenage girls out on the town isn’t NORMALLY no trouble, but we really were and Elizabeth knew it and we didn’t have to lie.

I wish I’d learned my lesson then, but I continued to lie . . . and still do. I justify it by saying that my lies don’t affect anyone or that they’re just little white lies but I’m well aware those aren’t such a great idea either.

Someone very close to me has a huge cheating and lying problem. It’s gotten him into more trouble in his life than I can even begin to explain. It’s happened again and again and again. It’s a sickness and it sucks for both him and those who love him. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how someone gets to be that way. How someone looks their loved ones in the face and blatantly lies about everything. I mean EVERYTHING. From the big stuff about being faithful to a spouse to things that don’t even matter like what kind of medication he took for his cold. How does this happen? Is it just in his nature? Can he help it?

I don’t know the ultimate answer but the more I think about it the more I think that it starts out small. It starts as a small lie you tell your friend or your husband about where you’re going or where you’ve been or whatever. That was easy enough, so next time you’re doing it, you lie again, then again. You’re not doing anything wrong, you just don’t want to be bothered or whatever. Maybe you mess up and don’t keep your stories straight or someone seems suspicious and you don’t want to look stupid for lying for no good reason, so you lie bigger. Then you’re in a web that you can’t escape and before you know it, you’re asking others to lie for you and lying more and then inevitably, you get caught. Now, because you lied to begin with, you look all kinds of guilty and what started out as not wanting to be bothered causes your loved ones to no longer trust you. It’s a nasty, vicious cycle. Now, imagine what it’s like if you’re actually doing something wrong! Holy crap!

A friend of mine recently said “if you feel like you have to lie, you’ve already crossed the line.” Amen, sister. Amen.

There is a line in the movie “Meet Joe Black” that affected me deeply when I saw the movie way back in 1998. Joe and Quince, the goofy brother-in-law are talking after Quince finds out something he said cause his wife’s father to be fired. He knows he has to tell his wife but is terrified. Joe says ” . . . but Allison loves you? How do you know?” And Quince looks at him and says “Because she knows the worst thing about me and it’s ok.”

I decided the moment I heard that line – THAT is how I wanted my marriage to be. Matt really does know the worst things about me. Things I’ve never told anyone but him. Things I’m ashamed of. Stupid things I do all the time. I decided that if he couldn’t love ALL of me, no matter how bad it was, it would never work. So anytime he asks me a question, I do my best to answer truthfully. When my ex-boyfriend calls, it’s not a secret. Matt doesn’t love it, but it’s not a secret. I don’t ever want to give him a reason to be suspicious of me, because the second the trust is gone is the second my marriage isn’t working. I’ve seen too many lives and marriages torn apart by lies to even start down that road. So, if I can do it with my husband I should really be able to do it with everyone in my life.

I resolve today to be more honest and upfront, even in the little, insignificant things. The commandment doesn’t say “thou shalt not lie unless it’s just a little lie.” It says “thou shalt not lie.” Period.

So I shalt not lie. Period.

November 26th, 2008 by Kateastrophe

WOAH.  It’s like, the 26th.  I’m not really sure where the month went but it’s definitely GONE.

So, tomorrow is Thanksgiving.  I’ve pulled out my Thanksgiving pants (what’s it from??) and I’m ready to gorge myself.  I’m in charge of creamed corn and mashed potatoes for Matt’s family’s feast tomorrow and I’m glad I have those two because I rule at making both.  Gravy I cannot do.  Killer mashed potatoes and my Grandma’s famous creamed corn?  Yes please.  I feel a little weight gain on the horizon, oh yes I do.

We got some of our Christmas lights up on the house on Monday (thanks in-laws!  Love you!) and as soon as the baby shower decorations come down on Saturday, the rest of Christmas will go up.  I’m so excited.  Have I ever mentioned how much I love Christmas?  I LOVE CHRISTMAS SO MUCH!  I mean, I sort of feel bad for Thanksgiving because it’s not getting a lot of recognition this year but HELLO CHRISTMAS!  You are only three weeks away!  And this year ALL my siblings and I will be at Club Lynsky (aka Grandma’s house) in California.  And we’ve got mucho fun planned.  Family pictures barefoot on the beach, tickets to Wicked, secret surprises, delicious food . . . I am so excited I can barely stand it.

Then?  Guess what happens then?

Kate’s. Birthday. Week.

That’s right.  I decided a few years ago that having a birthday six days after Christmas wasn’t really ideal, so I’ve imposed a rule on everyone around me.  The second Christmas is over?  Celebration “Kate is Awesome” begins.  Selfish?  Absolutely.  Worth it?  You betcha.

And with that, I get back to celebrating Thanksgiving for just a minute.  I have many, many things to be grateful for, but here are my top ten:

1. My husband.  I swear I married the kindest man alive  and I am so lucky to have him.

2. My family.  I don’t know what I’d do without them and all of their craziness.  Not a day goes by I don’t talk to at least one of them and I’m so glad we’re all so close.

3.  My friends.  I’m not sure what I did to deserve girlfriends like I have but the older I get, the luckier I feel to have friends like I do.

4.  My job.  This is a crappy economy and I’m so blessed to not only have a steady income, but a career and a boss I love!

5.   My home.  It’s raining outside today and I can’t help but think that there are people out there with no place to keep warm and I am so grateful to not only have a house, but to have a house I love so much.

6.  My faith.  I know who I am and what my purpose on Earth is and I’m grateful every day for a loving Father in Heaven and for our Saviour Jesus Christ.

7.  Sunshine.  On a cloudy day I realize how much I love living in a place where the sun shines 300 days a year or so.

8.  Pedicures.  Trivial, but true.  I love having clean, well kept feet and heaven knows I couldn’t do it myself!

9.  Music.  I seriously don’t know how I could live without it in my life.

10. Diet Coke.  Shut up, I love it.

September 24th, 2008 by Kateastrophe

Monday morning I showed up at work and saw a chubby security guard smoking near our main door.  I shrugged it off thinking he was from another office in our building and just taking a smoke break away from his main duties or something.  I walked inside and was greeted by two of our senior level employees who were manning the front desk, armed with some sort of . . . list.  I paused, confused, and then asked them what they were doing (and in my head wondered where our receptionist was.)  “Just hanging out,” one said, as he eyed his list.  The other just nodded and checked his laptop.

As I walked back to my cube, I saw through the cracks of the blinds in our board room a bunch of people sitting in some sort of meeting.  It was early for a meeting in our office.  We’re a technology company full of . . . technology people.  We sort of roll in around 8:45 and it was 8:20 or so.  I was early because Matt had a meeting a few blocks from my office and we had carpooled.  I was baffled, but blew it off.  I’m not “in the know” around the office anymore.  Maybe it was a board meeting.

I sat down at my desk and started my computer.

“You made the cut,” said the familiar voice from the next cube.  “I guess we both did.”

That’s when it hit me.  The security guard, the people in the lobby, the early morning meeting. 

Terminations.

Almost 20 people were let go from our company early Monday morning.  I knew and respected all of them.  The decision to terminate these employees was explained later in a company meeting.  It made sense.  They had done everything they could to be fair and help these people find new jobs and move on with their lives.  But it still sucked.  A lot.

My boss said that he knew it would take a couple of days for the reality to really hit me.  Boy was he right.  Right now I feel so many things.

Relief. 

I wasn’t terminated — in fact I was given a raise and somewhat of an unofficial promotion less than a week ago.  My performance review was excellent.  I am learning a lot and my new boss seems to respect and like me (and the feeling is very mutual.)  I am considered a valuable knowledge asset and my opinion appears to be highly valued.  I am about to take two days off for a family vacation, shortly followed by a two week vacation to China.  I feel truly lucky and relieved that I still have my job and all the benefits that come with it.

Guilt.

One employee who was let go has five children.  Several have family members with severe healthy problems.  One in particular had expressed to me their dire financial situation and the stress involved in just making ends meet.  One had just put a deposit down on a new house.  Another had just paid for the first class plane tickets jetting him off on the vacation of a lifetime.  All of these people’s lives have been impacted in a way I can’t imagine.  My husband has a good job.  Our bills are manageable.  We are lucky to have more than enough.  We don’t have children (or anyone, really) relying on us to provide for their existence.  I have connections and people willing to give me a job at any moment.  I feel guilty that I get to stay, secure in my position.

Frustration.

I’m frusrated that in the past four years our company has been thisclose to profitability and stability yet somehow keep missing the mark.  I’m frustrated that my company stock is worth less than it was when I started.  Frustrated thinking maybe I made the wrong decision when I turned down a job offer a few months ago because I truly believed that we could get over the hump and reach our potential as a company.  I’m extremely frustrated with the economy.  I hate the housing market.  Luckily, I don’t have enough money to lose any with the latest financial crisis but I’m pissed at what’s happening to so many.  Gas prices still suck (I sure sold my Civic and traded in my Corolla at the wrong time, didn’t I?) and some of that extra I mentioned has been flushed down the hypothetical economic toilet of death.

Exhaustion.

Myself and everyone remaining at our company has gone into turbo mode since Monday.  It’s like a knee jerk reaction.  We still have our jobs and know the company would have to close it’s doors if it lost another 20 or so, but we’re all working like tomorrow may never come.  My brain is going a million miles a minute trying to get all the things I want to do organized into some sort of system.  I’m in a meetings all day and trying to fit all my tasks into the few minutes between which are usually reserved for bathroom or food breaks.  I’ve come home the last two days ready to collapse with exhaustion, yet I’ve been sitting on my butt all day.  I’d rather put a gun to my head than go to the gym or be active.

Determination.

I’m forcing my brain and body to suck it up.  I am going to work harder.  Prove myself even more.  I will accomplish my goals.  I will get all my work done.  I will not let anyone down.  Despite everything, I still believe in my company.  I know we can be successful and I will be a part of that success.  Just watch me.

I mourn for my friends who lost their jobs.  I’ll miss our lunches and the inappropriate conversations that ensued.  I’ll miss stealing candy from their desks and writing notes on their whiteboards.  I’ll even miss refilling the CO2 tank while they stand there and watch me struggle.  I hope they all find a better place to rest soon.  That they’ll remember me fondly and that we can stay in touch.

As for me, I’m thanking the Lord that I still have my job and that all my different emotions have lead me to the decision to try a little harder.  Just maybe, just a little bit, what happened was supposed to be a lesson for me.  A lesson in gratitude, in empathy, sympathy and perserverence. 

Just maybe I’ll learn.  And remember.  And grow.

September 1st, 2008 by Kateastrophe

I don’t care what anyone says.  God makes miracles happen.

Category 5 hurricanes diffuse, despite ideal conditions to increase, and hit land as category 2 hurricanes.  Levies hold (so far), homes are protected, peoples lives are saved and my angel of a little sister, full of relief and joy, danced in the rain and laughed in the face of Gustav.

August 30th, 2008 by Kateastrophe

I am not writing a Soap Opera Sunday this weekend because . . . see, my sister Meagan and her husband Lucas live in New Orleans.  The city that has barely started recovering from Katrina and is now bracing for Gustav, which, at the moment is a CATEGORY 5 HURRICANE.  Katrina was a Category 3.  Yeah.  And here’s the kicker . . . they’re not leaving.  They can’t leave.  They work at the hospital and had to sign a contract that they would be available to work during natural disasters.  Just for the record, I think my sister, her husband and all the people who have stayed behind to care for and protect the city the best they can, are heroes.  I’d have been on a plane a week ago.

Despite how scary this sounds, they are lucky.  The hospital is the safest place to be during a hurricane.  It will most likely not lose power.  There will be plenty of food.  It will be heavily guarded.  During Katrina this particular hospital sustianed no major damage.  It’s a veritable fortress.  They will be physically safe.

However, they will still be in the city for what might be a worse storm than Katrina.  They will see the horror first-hand as they care for the sick and injured.    If the storm keeps it’s current path, their home may not make it.  Their physical belongings may not survive.  None of it is going to be easy for them or for the city.

I know Megs and Luke will be safe and no harm will come to them.  My faith in that statement is stronger than I can describe — but that doesn’t mean I’m not scared.  I’m scared for the future of New Orleans, a city I fell madly in love with on my first visit in January.  I’m scared for the people who won’t be protected within the walls of the hospital.  I’m scared of many things.

During a week where the blogging world has shown just how supportive they can all be (I am seriously blown away by the support being shown for Stephanie and Christian Nielson ) I just ask for your prayers for New Orleans.  The storm is a couple of days out and it may diffuse itself, but if not, it could be worse than Katrina.  I firmly believe our prayers will help, even if in unseen ways.  I know my sister will feel them and be grateful.

** ETA: My sister?  She’s hilarious . . . and looking at the bright side.  Check her out her post about the upside of being stuck in a level 5 hurricane here.  There are pictures with captions.  Funny captions.  Beware the grammar, oh beware. But prepare to laugh.

April 23rd, 2008 by Kateastrophe

I’d have a tan all year ’round.  And no eczema.

I’d wear a size 4 pants.

I’d love exercising and be training for a marathon.

I would hate cheese.  And cream.  And chocolate.

I would be a beautiful dancer.

I would have beautiful, natural fingernails instead of the crooked growing mess I have on my hands.

My house would be sparkling clean all the time.

I would throw caution to the wind, quit my job and try out for American Idol or a Broadway musical.  (Maybe both.)

I would be less easily offended.

I’d say exactly what was on my mind to idiotic people.

I take that last one back.  I’d say exactly what was on my mind to everyone.

I would have unending patience.

I’d find a way to tell today to f-off, give it the finger and transport myself to tomorrow.  Because, you see, tomorrow is going to be a better day.  It’s going to be a beautiful, sunny, amazing day.  A day where I remember that as I have grown, I’ve become a pretty amazing girl.  Because I am the kind of girl who

Has great taste in shoes.

Was blessed with beautiful, thick, straight hair that looks good long.  And as much as I long for curls, I wouldn’t trade it.

Is learning to love exercise and am loving the way I’m feeling now that I’m doing it consistently.

Has a totally awesome job.

Lives in a beautiful, comfortable home.

Won’t ever have suntan wrinkle-leather skin.

Has Marilyn Monroe-esque curves, and is proud of them.

Learned how to cook and eat healthy and still like my food.

Still occasionally eats junk food and loves it.

Married an amazing man who will always take care of me and love me, not matter how many times I  am awful to him.

Has an amazing mother who taught me to take responsibility for my actions.

Has a brilliant father who always told me I could be whatever I wanted.  And I still believe him.

Has awe inspiring siblings.

Gets to call the most amazing, hilarious women in the world my best friends.

Has empathy and understanding for others.

Cares immensely.

Loves deeply.

Sometimes it helps to take a break from my crazy day and remember that no matter what kind of girl I wish I could be some days . . . no matter how badly I stumble in my quest to be a better person, I actually like who I have become as I’ve grown up.  There was a time where I was the kind of girl who couldn’t find anything about herself to like.  I’m glad she’s gone.  I like the girl who took her place.  She’s someone to be proud of.

What about you?  What qualities about yourself are you proud of?

April 21st, 2008 by Kateastrophe

Life is amazing and crappy all at the same time.

The weather in Arizona has been simply amazing.  Last year by about the middle of March it was eyelash singeing hot. This year?  It’s almost May and we are still in the high-seventies, mid-eighties most days.  The green that sprouted on the mountains (hahaha mountains.  More like mole hills) has died, but all the trees and flowers and cacti are in bloom and, for the first time in four years, I think Arizona is a beautiful place to live.

In the middle of all this beauty there is sadness.  I found out yesterday that the construction superintendent who built our home passed away suddenly last week of a massive heart attack.  He was 43.  He leaves behind a beautiful wife and twin boys who are only ten years old.  I didn’t know him very well, but my interactions with him always left me with a smile.  He was so sweet and caring.  He was the head superintendent and didn’t work on many homes.  We were always told how lucky we were that Chuck was our man.  “He’s the best!” Everyone would say.  He was the best.  My thoughts and prayers are with his family at this horrible time.

His passing was SO sudden and SO unexpected.  It has really made me stop and thank God for my health and the health of those I love.  It can all be over so fast.

While there might be much in this life to be sad about, I think there is much more to rejoice about.  Today, I am more grateful than ever for an amazing, kind, loving husband.  For a family who means more to me than I could ever say, who are there for me no matter what.  For friends who have enriched my life, who make me laugh until I cry and who I know would do anything for me in the blink of an eye. I have truly been blessed.  And I am truly grateful.

March 12th, 2008 by Kateastrophe

Today marks four years since my Dad and a Half Mike passed away. I wrote a lot about his life last year, and I cry every time I read it. He was such an amazing, loving man and I cannot say enough how incredibly lucky I feel to have had him as part of my life for five short years.

I visit his grave every time I go home and bring him a Diet Coke. I don’t think there’s been a time that I’ve gone up there that there isn’t evidence of someone else who loved him bringing him a little treat. Some gum, more Diet Coke, new wind chimes for him to listen to (oh how he loved wind chimes). . . it reminds me that there wasn’t a person alive, even his ex-wife, who hated him. He was loved by everyone who met him and had such an amazing, positive effect on the world.

I know he’s busy in heaven, probably doing security checks on the gates and making sure everyone sleeps well at night. I also know without a doubt that he is still watching over and protecting his family and friends, just like he always did. In less than two weeks, I will have the privilege of being sealed in the temple to Mike, my mother and my sweet sister. This may not have significant meaning for most of you, but to me, this is the most amazing, most important part of what I believe and I am overwhelmed with joy at the thought.

Mike, you are still loved immensely and missed more than words can say. I will never, as long as I live, forget you and can’t wait to see you again.

March 5th, 2008 by Kateastrophe

You get a call and the person on the other line says “I have bad news . . . I don’t even know how to say this.”

They start out by telling you that one of your dear friends and his wife were blessed with the birth of a new baby girl last Monday and that according to everyone, she was a perfect little angel. They go on to tell you that the Friday after she was born, her mother started to worry because she wasn’t eating well and wasn’t behaving normally. She took her to the doctor and was told to rush the baby to the hospital. A few hours later, the baby was gone . . . it was an infection of some sort in her blood.

She was five days old.

There are no words.

Today, for the first time in three years, I spoke to the parents of the baby. I had no idea what to say. How do you tell someone you grieve with them when you have no idea what their loss feels like? How do you express your sorrow when you’ve never experienced anything like it? They were so sweet and understanding of my stammering, awkward condolences. So grateful for the words I could come up with. I am in awe of their strength and kindness and resilience.

I will be at the funeral services this Friday. I’m sure finding words then will be even more difficult then than it was over the phone today. It will feel especially strange because of how long it’s been since I saw them. It’s sad to think that it’s tragedy that brings us together after so long, yet I don’t feel too badly about it because I believe that this is exactly what God gave us friends for. To be there for the good times, yes, but more importantly, to be there for the bad. Even if a million other people are there, all closer to my friend than I, I’m glad that he will see my face in the crowd and know that I care. I believe that says more than words.

February 26th, 2008 by Kateastrophe

It’s not often that I am moved and deeply touched by a blog post, but I think all of you should go read the Soap Opera Sunday post by Abish. She hosted Soap Opera Sunday this week and she really exposed herself and shared something she’d never shared before. It’s truly amazing.

Go now darlings. Read. Tell her what you think.