September 24th, 2008 by Kateastrophe

Monday morning I showed up at work and saw a chubby security guard smoking near our main door.  I shrugged it off thinking he was from another office in our building and just taking a smoke break away from his main duties or something.  I walked inside and was greeted by two of our senior level employees who were manning the front desk, armed with some sort of . . . list.  I paused, confused, and then asked them what they were doing (and in my head wondered where our receptionist was.)  “Just hanging out,” one said, as he eyed his list.  The other just nodded and checked his laptop.

As I walked back to my cube, I saw through the cracks of the blinds in our board room a bunch of people sitting in some sort of meeting.  It was early for a meeting in our office.  We’re a technology company full of . . . technology people.  We sort of roll in around 8:45 and it was 8:20 or so.  I was early because Matt had a meeting a few blocks from my office and we had carpooled.  I was baffled, but blew it off.  I’m not “in the know” around the office anymore.  Maybe it was a board meeting.

I sat down at my desk and started my computer.

“You made the cut,” said the familiar voice from the next cube.  “I guess we both did.”

That’s when it hit me.  The security guard, the people in the lobby, the early morning meeting. 

Terminations.

Almost 20 people were let go from our company early Monday morning.  I knew and respected all of them.  The decision to terminate these employees was explained later in a company meeting.  It made sense.  They had done everything they could to be fair and help these people find new jobs and move on with their lives.  But it still sucked.  A lot.

My boss said that he knew it would take a couple of days for the reality to really hit me.  Boy was he right.  Right now I feel so many things.

Relief. 

I wasn’t terminated — in fact I was given a raise and somewhat of an unofficial promotion less than a week ago.  My performance review was excellent.  I am learning a lot and my new boss seems to respect and like me (and the feeling is very mutual.)  I am considered a valuable knowledge asset and my opinion appears to be highly valued.  I am about to take two days off for a family vacation, shortly followed by a two week vacation to China.  I feel truly lucky and relieved that I still have my job and all the benefits that come with it.

Guilt.

One employee who was let go has five children.  Several have family members with severe healthy problems.  One in particular had expressed to me their dire financial situation and the stress involved in just making ends meet.  One had just put a deposit down on a new house.  Another had just paid for the first class plane tickets jetting him off on the vacation of a lifetime.  All of these people’s lives have been impacted in a way I can’t imagine.  My husband has a good job.  Our bills are manageable.  We are lucky to have more than enough.  We don’t have children (or anyone, really) relying on us to provide for their existence.  I have connections and people willing to give me a job at any moment.  I feel guilty that I get to stay, secure in my position.

Frustration.

I’m frusrated that in the past four years our company has been thisclose to profitability and stability yet somehow keep missing the mark.  I’m frustrated that my company stock is worth less than it was when I started.  Frustrated thinking maybe I made the wrong decision when I turned down a job offer a few months ago because I truly believed that we could get over the hump and reach our potential as a company.  I’m extremely frustrated with the economy.  I hate the housing market.  Luckily, I don’t have enough money to lose any with the latest financial crisis but I’m pissed at what’s happening to so many.  Gas prices still suck (I sure sold my Civic and traded in my Corolla at the wrong time, didn’t I?) and some of that extra I mentioned has been flushed down the hypothetical economic toilet of death.

Exhaustion.

Myself and everyone remaining at our company has gone into turbo mode since Monday.  It’s like a knee jerk reaction.  We still have our jobs and know the company would have to close it’s doors if it lost another 20 or so, but we’re all working like tomorrow may never come.  My brain is going a million miles a minute trying to get all the things I want to do organized into some sort of system.  I’m in a meetings all day and trying to fit all my tasks into the few minutes between which are usually reserved for bathroom or food breaks.  I’ve come home the last two days ready to collapse with exhaustion, yet I’ve been sitting on my butt all day.  I’d rather put a gun to my head than go to the gym or be active.

Determination.

I’m forcing my brain and body to suck it up.  I am going to work harder.  Prove myself even more.  I will accomplish my goals.  I will get all my work done.  I will not let anyone down.  Despite everything, I still believe in my company.  I know we can be successful and I will be a part of that success.  Just watch me.

I mourn for my friends who lost their jobs.  I’ll miss our lunches and the inappropriate conversations that ensued.  I’ll miss stealing candy from their desks and writing notes on their whiteboards.  I’ll even miss refilling the CO2 tank while they stand there and watch me struggle.  I hope they all find a better place to rest soon.  That they’ll remember me fondly and that we can stay in touch.

As for me, I’m thanking the Lord that I still have my job and that all my different emotions have lead me to the decision to try a little harder.  Just maybe, just a little bit, what happened was supposed to be a lesson for me.  A lesson in gratitude, in empathy, sympathy and perserverence. 

Just maybe I’ll learn.  And remember.  And grow.

September 1st, 2008 by Kateastrophe

I don’t care what anyone says.  God makes miracles happen.

Category 5 hurricanes diffuse, despite ideal conditions to increase, and hit land as category 2 hurricanes.  Levies hold (so far), homes are protected, peoples lives are saved and my angel of a little sister, full of relief and joy, danced in the rain and laughed in the face of Gustav.

August 30th, 2008 by Kateastrophe

I am not writing a Soap Opera Sunday this weekend because . . . see, my sister Meagan and her husband Lucas live in New Orleans.  The city that has barely started recovering from Katrina and is now bracing for Gustav, which, at the moment is a CATEGORY 5 HURRICANE.  Katrina was a Category 3.  Yeah.  And here’s the kicker . . . they’re not leaving.  They can’t leave.  They work at the hospital and had to sign a contract that they would be available to work during natural disasters.  Just for the record, I think my sister, her husband and all the people who have stayed behind to care for and protect the city the best they can, are heroes.  I’d have been on a plane a week ago.

Despite how scary this sounds, they are lucky.  The hospital is the safest place to be during a hurricane.  It will most likely not lose power.  There will be plenty of food.  It will be heavily guarded.  During Katrina this particular hospital sustianed no major damage.  It’s a veritable fortress.  They will be physically safe.

However, they will still be in the city for what might be a worse storm than Katrina.  They will see the horror first-hand as they care for the sick and injured.    If the storm keeps it’s current path, their home may not make it.  Their physical belongings may not survive.  None of it is going to be easy for them or for the city.

I know Megs and Luke will be safe and no harm will come to them.  My faith in that statement is stronger than I can describe — but that doesn’t mean I’m not scared.  I’m scared for the future of New Orleans, a city I fell madly in love with on my first visit in January.  I’m scared for the people who won’t be protected within the walls of the hospital.  I’m scared of many things.

During a week where the blogging world has shown just how supportive they can all be (I am seriously blown away by the support being shown for Stephanie and Christian Nielson ) I just ask for your prayers for New Orleans.  The storm is a couple of days out and it may diffuse itself, but if not, it could be worse than Katrina.  I firmly believe our prayers will help, even if in unseen ways.  I know my sister will feel them and be grateful.

** ETA: My sister?  She’s hilarious . . . and looking at the bright side.  Check her out her post about the upside of being stuck in a level 5 hurricane here.  There are pictures with captions.  Funny captions.  Beware the grammar, oh beware. But prepare to laugh.

April 23rd, 2008 by Kateastrophe

I’d have a tan all year ’round.  And no eczema.

I’d wear a size 4 pants.

I’d love exercising and be training for a marathon.

I would hate cheese.  And cream.  And chocolate.

I would be a beautiful dancer.

I would have beautiful, natural fingernails instead of the crooked growing mess I have on my hands.

My house would be sparkling clean all the time.

I would throw caution to the wind, quit my job and try out for American Idol or a Broadway musical.  (Maybe both.)

I would be less easily offended.

I’d say exactly what was on my mind to idiotic people.

I take that last one back.  I’d say exactly what was on my mind to everyone.

I would have unending patience.

I’d find a way to tell today to f-off, give it the finger and transport myself to tomorrow.  Because, you see, tomorrow is going to be a better day.  It’s going to be a beautiful, sunny, amazing day.  A day where I remember that as I have grown, I’ve become a pretty amazing girl.  Because I am the kind of girl who

Has great taste in shoes.

Was blessed with beautiful, thick, straight hair that looks good long.  And as much as I long for curls, I wouldn’t trade it.

Is learning to love exercise and am loving the way I’m feeling now that I’m doing it consistently.

Has a totally awesome job.

Lives in a beautiful, comfortable home.

Won’t ever have suntan wrinkle-leather skin.

Has Marilyn Monroe-esque curves, and is proud of them.

Learned how to cook and eat healthy and still like my food.

Still occasionally eats junk food and loves it.

Married an amazing man who will always take care of me and love me, not matter how many times I  am awful to him.

Has an amazing mother who taught me to take responsibility for my actions.

Has a brilliant father who always told me I could be whatever I wanted.  And I still believe him.

Has awe inspiring siblings.

Gets to call the most amazing, hilarious women in the world my best friends.

Has empathy and understanding for others.

Cares immensely.

Loves deeply.

Sometimes it helps to take a break from my crazy day and remember that no matter what kind of girl I wish I could be some days . . . no matter how badly I stumble in my quest to be a better person, I actually like who I have become as I’ve grown up.  There was a time where I was the kind of girl who couldn’t find anything about herself to like.  I’m glad she’s gone.  I like the girl who took her place.  She’s someone to be proud of.

What about you?  What qualities about yourself are you proud of?

April 21st, 2008 by Kateastrophe

Life is amazing and crappy all at the same time.

The weather in Arizona has been simply amazing.  Last year by about the middle of March it was eyelash singeing hot. This year?  It’s almost May and we are still in the high-seventies, mid-eighties most days.  The green that sprouted on the mountains (hahaha mountains.  More like mole hills) has died, but all the trees and flowers and cacti are in bloom and, for the first time in four years, I think Arizona is a beautiful place to live.

In the middle of all this beauty there is sadness.  I found out yesterday that the construction superintendent who built our home passed away suddenly last week of a massive heart attack.  He was 43.  He leaves behind a beautiful wife and twin boys who are only ten years old.  I didn’t know him very well, but my interactions with him always left me with a smile.  He was so sweet and caring.  He was the head superintendent and didn’t work on many homes.  We were always told how lucky we were that Chuck was our man.  “He’s the best!” Everyone would say.  He was the best.  My thoughts and prayers are with his family at this horrible time.

His passing was SO sudden and SO unexpected.  It has really made me stop and thank God for my health and the health of those I love.  It can all be over so fast.

While there might be much in this life to be sad about, I think there is much more to rejoice about.  Today, I am more grateful than ever for an amazing, kind, loving husband.  For a family who means more to me than I could ever say, who are there for me no matter what.  For friends who have enriched my life, who make me laugh until I cry and who I know would do anything for me in the blink of an eye. I have truly been blessed.  And I am truly grateful.

March 12th, 2008 by Kateastrophe

Today marks four years since my Dad and a Half Mike passed away. I wrote a lot about his life last year, and I cry every time I read it. He was such an amazing, loving man and I cannot say enough how incredibly lucky I feel to have had him as part of my life for five short years.

I visit his grave every time I go home and bring him a Diet Coke. I don’t think there’s been a time that I’ve gone up there that there isn’t evidence of someone else who loved him bringing him a little treat. Some gum, more Diet Coke, new wind chimes for him to listen to (oh how he loved wind chimes). . . it reminds me that there wasn’t a person alive, even his ex-wife, who hated him. He was loved by everyone who met him and had such an amazing, positive effect on the world.

I know he’s busy in heaven, probably doing security checks on the gates and making sure everyone sleeps well at night. I also know without a doubt that he is still watching over and protecting his family and friends, just like he always did. In less than two weeks, I will have the privilege of being sealed in the temple to Mike, my mother and my sweet sister. This may not have significant meaning for most of you, but to me, this is the most amazing, most important part of what I believe and I am overwhelmed with joy at the thought.

Mike, you are still loved immensely and missed more than words can say. I will never, as long as I live, forget you and can’t wait to see you again.

March 5th, 2008 by Kateastrophe

You get a call and the person on the other line says “I have bad news . . . I don’t even know how to say this.”

They start out by telling you that one of your dear friends and his wife were blessed with the birth of a new baby girl last Monday and that according to everyone, she was a perfect little angel. They go on to tell you that the Friday after she was born, her mother started to worry because she wasn’t eating well and wasn’t behaving normally. She took her to the doctor and was told to rush the baby to the hospital. A few hours later, the baby was gone . . . it was an infection of some sort in her blood.

She was five days old.

There are no words.

Today, for the first time in three years, I spoke to the parents of the baby. I had no idea what to say. How do you tell someone you grieve with them when you have no idea what their loss feels like? How do you express your sorrow when you’ve never experienced anything like it? They were so sweet and understanding of my stammering, awkward condolences. So grateful for the words I could come up with. I am in awe of their strength and kindness and resilience.

I will be at the funeral services this Friday. I’m sure finding words then will be even more difficult then than it was over the phone today. It will feel especially strange because of how long it’s been since I saw them. It’s sad to think that it’s tragedy that brings us together after so long, yet I don’t feel too badly about it because I believe that this is exactly what God gave us friends for. To be there for the good times, yes, but more importantly, to be there for the bad. Even if a million other people are there, all closer to my friend than I, I’m glad that he will see my face in the crowd and know that I care. I believe that says more than words.

February 26th, 2008 by Kateastrophe

It’s not often that I am moved and deeply touched by a blog post, but I think all of you should go read the Soap Opera Sunday post by Abish. She hosted Soap Opera Sunday this week and she really exposed herself and shared something she’d never shared before. It’s truly amazing.

Go now darlings. Read. Tell her what you think.

November 11th, 2007 by Kateastrophe

If you’re looking for Soap Opera Sunday, it’s just below this post!

Today I’m thankful for:

1. Stores with great sales. I refuse to buy things full price and am overjoyed to report that I saved approximately $400 today and I’m SO happy!

2. Diet Cheater Days. Today is my “day off” and while MOST of the day I was actually really good, I was overjoyed when I ate my cheese ravioli.

3. College Football. Despite my team (the Ohio State Buckeyes) losing HORRIBLY and getting bumped from the #1 spot today, I am grateful for the college football season for many reasons. The heart, the passion and the tight pants. Plus, my other team, BYU, is doing awesome thanks to their star running back (and my brother’s best friend), Harvey Unga.

4. Washers and Dryers. I cannot BELIEVE the amount of clothing Matt and I have to wash in a week and I’m so grateful every time I put a load in the washer and am able to close the door and forget about it! Saves SO MUCH TIME!

5. Sunroofs. Since I started buying my own cars, I have always had a sunroof and I love them. I love driving around and being either bathed in sunlight or able to look up at the stars.

November 9th, 2007 by Kateastrophe

Let’s see . . . I seem to suck at blogging about . . . anything relevant lately. I feel as though I’ve been in a writers slump. Not that I consider myself a real writer or anything important like that because I don’t.

I do have two minor Kateastrophes to report on, so I suppose I should share, and there are a couple of other things to update you on. So I guess I present MORE RANDOMNESS!

First of all, I rolled - that’s right ROLLED - my brother-in-law’s quad at the Dunes last week. Several things make the story funny. First, Taylor (the B-I-L) laid it down sideways WITH his poor wife on it the first time they rode together. He hurt his wrist but overall they were OK. Second, my father-in-law also laid it down on his first ride on it. So basically, Matt is the only person who rode it who didn’t wreck it. The other thing that makes the story funny is that the reason I rolled it was because I was going too slow. That’s right. I crashed because I was going TOO.SLOW. I was on the side of a steep dune and rather than gunning it to prevent the roll, I got scared and slowed down. Aaaaaand down I went. Luckily I slid about ten feet down the hill so the quad didn’t roll ON me. I was only about fifty feet from Matt and he was so scared that I was hurt and came running down the hill. I was just lying there on my back, holding the quad (which is still running) with my legs so it wouldn’t roll any further and of course laughing my head off. I wasn’t hurt, thank goodness, but I think that quad might be the devil.

My second Kateastrophe happened the night we got back from the dunes. I was doing serious laundry because EVERYTHING smelled horrible, and I didn’t clean out the pocket of my riding pants, and I washed my iPod shuffle. What’s really sad is that on the drive home, I told Matt I was worried that I’d wash it so he needed to help me remember to clean out all the pockets. After he found out I washed it he laughs and says

“You know what’s funny, wifey? You KNOW what you’re going to do wrong. You always ask me to remind you NOT to do something stupid that you think you might do.”

It’s totally true. I know I do this crap. I know I forget stuff like that, so I ask people to help me remember not to be stupid. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always work. So I figured my iPod was dead, but remembered a time a few years ago when I dropped my cell phone in the lake and it somehow survived the damage after it dried out for a few days. SO, I let the Shuffle dry out and magically, it works! I’m guessing it’s going to be a little retarded for the rest of it’s life but it WORKS! YAY! Kateastrophe averted! That sure doesn’t happen very often!!

Update on my fatness . . . I’m on a serious diet. I’ve started eating less than 2000 calories a day and making sure that it’s mostly veggies, whole grains and lean protein and I give myself one day off a week to eat what I want. The only cheating I’ve done in over a week was last night for the chicken noodle soup. It’s actually very healthy but the noodles aren’t made with whole grains. So my cheating technically wasn’t that bad but I do have to call a spade a spade and admit to the cheat. I’m sort of sick of salad and lettuce but I’m loving the Trader Joe’s whole grain mixes. They are super delicious! I’m a carb junkie, so the NO carb thing doesn’t work for me, but the whole grain carb thing does. I figure I can do the calorie counting and some of the other stuff . . . it doesn’t feel as extreme. I’m also loving fresh fruit. Mmmm yum.

In addition to the diet, I’m also working out six days a week. Right now I’m working up to serious workouts, but I do 45 minutes of cardio every day and when I have the energy I add in some weight training. It feels pretty good.

Sadly, I’m being UBER superficial and using my ten year high school reunion as my motivation right now. I don’t really know why . . . I’m still in touch with most of my friends from high school and they know what I look like now but I guess any motivation is good motivation right?!

So um, I will end this post with Friday’s Thankfuls, as most of you will see this post on Friday.

1. Perfect weather. We’re finally, FINALLY out of the hotness in Arizona and the weather is gorgeous. I sure love me a good 78 degree day.

2. Dove shampoo and conditioner. See I used to be a hair care product snob. Only Aveda was good enough for my hair. But then I got a house and a husband (and a life?) and got cheap and I got the HUGE, cheap bottles of Dove at Costco. Surprisingly, I LOVE it! My hair always smells clean and is SO soft and silky. Yay for cheap, great haircare!

3. Julia. I got the FUNNIEST message from her today at work and died laughing right there in my cube. I’m so grateful for her and her undying friendship and amazing sense of humor. We’ve been through a lot and I’m grateful that it’s only brought us closer rather than ripping us apart. I love her so.

4. Chapstick. In such a dry climate my lips always feel so parched, so I’m glad somebody a long time ago had the good sense to package some of that goodness in a tube.

5. Remote controls. How annoying would it have been to have to get up to change the channel? Ugh. Yay for laziness and fun buttons.