July 27th, 2009 by Kateastrophe

Like most women, I formed my “body image” in my early teens. I decided what I liked and didn’t like about myself (like my boobs, hate my thighs) and began to form those opinions based on images that I saw. Now, the part that I’m not sure is so true for most people but is true for me is that I didn’t form these opinions based on supermodels or Hollywood starlets. Oh no, I formed it based on the girls next door.

I went to a public high school in a fairly affluent area of my hometown, which is actually known for it’s good looking girls. So, needless to say, I went to high school with some absolutely GORGEOUS people. Some absolutely gorgeous, absolutely SKINNY people who I have spent my life comparing myself to.

These were the girls I’d grown up with. The girls I went to church with, who I’d gone to dance class with. I had known them forever. Somehow I had grown up to be a bit round and soft and they had grown up to be svelte goddesses of beauty and slenderness. I’m not going to lie. It was frustrating. They were my friends but I was jealous of their tans and their skinniness and their boyfriends and all of it.

It’s been eleven (ELEVEN??) years since I graduated from high school and I’ve spent a considerable amount of that time not liking a lot of things about my body. Even when I was thirty pounds lighter, RIPPED from dancing four to five hours a day and then heading to the gym after school, I hated my legs. Even when I was sickly-skinny from a depressing break-up which caused me to drop ten pounds in just a few weeks, I still hated my butt. Why? Probably lots of reasons. But one of them was because every time I ran into one of those girls from high school, they were still skinnier than me.

I learned something this weekend that made me realize what a waste of my time and energy all of that was. Pretty much every.single.girl. I can remember comparing myself to back in those days had an eating disorder. I apparently went to Anorexia/Bulimia High School where girls didn’t eat but once a week and then when they did that, they’d throw it all up. Not only would they do it, but they’d do it ALL TOGETHER. Like a barf party! Even now, eleven years later, most of them are still dealing with the medical repercussions of starving themselves. Many of them are probably still not eating because many of them never got help. And I’m so, so sad for them.

And I’m embarrassed that I formed my self-image based on a lie.

I looked at myself with new eyes this weekend. Sure I have some cellulite and areas with more chub than is ideal. Sure I have things about myself that I still don’t like, but guess what? I’m healthy. I exercise regularly and I have a healthy heart, healthy kidneys, healthy bones. I have skin that glows and healthy, shiny hair. I have curves and muscles. I have all the things that prove that I am medically and mentally healthy. I like food. I like that I get hungry and that I can eat. I like to cook. I like to entertain and see people enjoy the things I’ve made. I have fun eating with friends.

It makes me sad to know that these girls are still dealing with these issues. I cannot fathom what it’s like not to enjoy a steaming plate of pasta or my Mom’s homemade chicken noodle soup. I can’t imagine what it was like to feel that kind of pressure from your friends.

Today I woke up a new sort of person. I’m more grateful than ever for my amazing friends. I’m more grateful than ever for my functioning body.

Now I just need to figure out a way to teach my future daughter how to get there before she’s almost thirty . . .

April 2nd, 2009 by Kateastrophe

I wouldn’t say I hate country music, but I wouldn’t say I’m a huge fan either. Sometimes though, there are country songs who’s lyrics stick with you for life. John Michael Montgomery’s “Life’s a Dance” is one of those songs and lately the words are coming into my head more and more often, specifically one verse and the chorus:

The longer I live the more I believe
You do have to give if you wanna recieve
There’s a time to listen, a time to talk
And you might have to crawl even after you walk
Had sure things blow up in my face
Seen the longshot, win the race
Been knocked down by the slamming door
Picked myself up and came back for moreLife’s a dance you learn as you go
Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow
Don’t worry about what you don’t know
Life’s a dance you learn as you go

Right now my life is (knock on wood) unbelievably, amazingly awesome. Sure there are speed bumps and trials that come my way every day, but overall? I am one of the luckiest people alive. I have the most supportive, kind, amazing husband a girl could ever ask for. I have the most amazing family members who inspire me every day. I have a group of strong, supportive, hilarious girlfriends that add more joy and spice to my life than I deserve. I have a job I enjoy, a home I love and a fast car that makes the endless traffic jams a little more fun.

I’m sure we’ve all noticed that, at the moment, there is a lot of extra misery in the world. This is a tough time for a lot (I mean A LOT) of people in more ways than I would have expected. I don’t know if it’s the economy or just one of those times in the lives of people I know and love that things are just HARD. Things are coming out of the woodwork that I never would have expected to see. It makes me very sad but it also in turn makes me count my blessings.

Part of counting my blessings for me has always been looking back over the hard times in my life and remembering how much I learned or grew – or both – from a particular experience. I probably haven’t shared much of it here, but I have had an . . . interesting life, to say the least. There have been so many times where I really, truly thought I might not make it through my trials and that I should just give up. Times where I was so broken I just knew without out a doubt I’d never be able to put the millions of tiny pieces back together to make a real person again. I have seen some of the lowest lows and yet, every single time, and not without help and support and in so many cases, miracles, I’m able to pick myself up and not only put myself back together – but actually find that me I’ve put back together is always a better version of myself. It’s like there’s a part of me that is newly bonded together so much more tightly that I know it will never again be able to be broken.

I think that’s why the song speaks to me. “You might have to crawl even after you walk . . . Picked myself up and came back for more . . . Don’t worry about what you don’t know, life’s a dance you learn as you go.”

My most favorite quote of all time is from C.S. Lewis’ “Mere Christianity:”

God’s work in our lives can be painful, but his ultimate goal is to transform us into something better.

Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what he is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised.

But presently he starts knocking that house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that he is building quite a different house from the one you thought of – throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor here, running up towers, making courtyards.

You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but he is building up a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.

So I say to any of you who are hurting and broken and think you’re never going to be ok, please trust me when I say that you WILL put yourself back together and you WILL be better for it. It’s so cliché, but it is always darkest before the dawn. God is in the process of building His palace with you. I know it hurts right now but just wait until He’s done and you can take a step back and look at the amazing person He’s built. I promise you won’t be disappointed.

March 13th, 2009 by Kateastrophe

My dear friend Keri sent me the link to a video produced by the LDS Church explaining why Mormons build temples.  As hard as I tried to be eloquent in my words yesterday, the video does a much better job. I attempted to post the actual video here, but apparently the computer is smarter than I am today so you’ll have to click on the link. If I figure out how to embed it I’ll update the post today.

Why Mormons Build Temples

March 11th, 2009 by Kateastrophe

I am not much of a pot-stirrer. In general, on topics of religion, sexuality, politics and the like, I keep to myself. I believe how and what I believe in what (I hope) is an informed, educated, respectful manner, and I expect the same from others. My beliefs are mine, your beliefs are yours and if we disagree, let’s do so kindly and without malice. Today, however, I have chosen to speak up and stir the pot a little bit.

It came to my attention this morning that the HBO series “Big Love” which portrays a fictional, non-Mormon polygamist family living outside of Salt Lake City, Utah (for those of you who incorrectly think the family portrayed is, in fact, Latter-Day Saints (also known as LDS or Mormon), they are not. The LDS Church does not allow polygamy. Those who practice most often belong to the Fundamentalist Latter-Day Saint religion, or FLDS.) will be airing an episode this Sunday which contains a very sacred LDS ceremony which we refer to as the endowment. The character having this ceremony performed is wearing sacred LDS temple clothing and the show has employed an ex-LDS individual to guarantee the accuracy of the ceremony.

When I saw this, my heart fell. As an active member of the LDS Church, I feel as though I’ve just been slapped in the face. The writers of this show, who, in my opinion were already treading a thin line when it comes to mocking what is most sacred to me, have officially crossed it. Some may ask why this is such a big deal or wonder why anyone really cares. I think those questions should answer themselves. The writers and the network are using what is most sacred to our religion as a trivial storyline for a fictional family. They are attempting to take the world inside the walls of our most sacred places. I want to know why they are going down that path.

Muslims do not allow non-Muslims inside the mosque at Mecca, or even inside the city itself. To them it is a sanctuary and a sacred place. The more strict factions of their religion require special attire and grooming standards, all symbolic of their commitment to their God. I would be very offended if someone were sneaking in to Mecca just for entertainment purposes.

In ancient Jerusalem only certain individuals were allowed into certain places inside the temple, the most sacred and most difficult to enter was the center, or the Holy of Holies. The Hasidic Jews wear special clothing and follow strict codes of conduct to show their faith in God.

The Eastern Orthodox Church has also adopted the concept of the Holy of Holies and have restrictions as to who may enter through certain doors and certain individuals will never be allowed.

I respect all religions. I take off my hat and walk clockwise when I enter a Tibetan temple. I do not take pictures in sacred Buddhist sanctuaries. I wouldn’t try to sneak onto the man’s side of the Western Wall or enter inside the walls of Mecca. I do not take communion in a Catholic church or mockingly wear the sacred apparel of any religion. If I have offended anyone based on religious views, it’s because of my own ignorance and not out of malice or the want to mock or trivialize.

The LDS faith does not allow those who are not members in good standing within the walls of our temples. You are required to answer a series of questions pertaining to your dedication, worthiness and faith before being allowed in the doors. Inside the temple sacred ordinances are performed which we believe allow us to take one step closer to being with God. We are asked to wear special garments under our clothes as a symbol of our dedication and promises to the Lord. It’s not a secret, it’s sacred. Pardon me if I expect in return the same respect I try to show other religions.

I think that everyone in this world has things that are sacred to them. Special moments, rituals or things that make them remember who they are and where they are going. Sometimes these things are out in the open for everyone to see. Other times these things are kept quiet and close to the heart of the individual to whom they mean the world. I realize that anyone who wants to know about what happens in the temple can find information on the internet. I realize that the writers of Big Love are “attempting to be accurate” in their portrayal of this situation, but I cannot help but feel immense sadness at the disrespect being shown by the writers, the actors and the network who is airing this episode. As I said before, what they are showing is not a secret, is it something that is most sacred to the members of our church. It is a special ordinance performed only inside our sacred temples and on those who are in good standing with the church. This isn’t like a baptism or a first communion. This is a ceremony which represents the most sacred and special covenants we make with our Father in Heaven. They are the core of our religion and what we hold most dear. We do not keep those who do not belong to our religion outside of the temples with any malice or prejudice. We believe a dedicated temple is a house for God to dwell and, like most religions, believe that one must be prepared to be in God’s presence. Therefore, only those who are worthy and willing to make sacred promises and covenants to God are given entry into an operating temple. I wish that the world understood and respected that.

I realize that I have no power over HBO and this little blog post will not convince them to take that episode of the show off the air. But what I can do is ask any of you who might watch the show or who might consider doing so, to please take a moment to think about the things that are most sacred to you. I ask that you ask yourself if YOU would be ok with those things being shown to the world for the sake of a mere hour of entertainment. I sincerely hope that your answer would match mine.

If you are curious about my beliefs and my religion, I encourage you to email me (kateastrophe(at)cox(dot)net)or visit our Church website at www.mormon.org . I am more than happy to try to answer any questions you might have. I welcome those who are sincere in their quest to learn more. I know that many of you have very different beliefs than I do, and many may disagree with me, but please, if you are planning to be rude and disrespectful, don’t bother.

To read the LDS Church’s official statement on the airing of the Big Love episode, please click here.

January 29th, 2009 by Kateastrophe

I honestly don’t know how people do it.

See, I don’t have a whole lot of responsibility in my life. Sure, I work full time and I have to be all “responsible” there, and yes it’s challenging most days, and yes it’s hard work, but overall it’s not like a huge burden or weight. When I get home, I don’t have a husband demanding I have a hot dinner ready to go. He’s easy. If I want to cook, it’s OK. If I want to be lazy, it’s OK. If I want cereal, he eats a sandwich. SO easy-going, that man. Love him. He’s also really easy-going about the cleaning thing. I don’t remember the last time I mopped the floor (don’t judge me!) and as long as things are RELATIVELY picked up, he’s good. Oh and he’s incredibly neat. Everything around him is organized, folded and in it’s place. Granted, he’s not a deep cleaner (Mop? What’s a mop?) but I am (when I clean) so it’s ALL good.

Some people have very time consuming church responsibilities, but my church calling? Super easy. I have a meeting once a month and help plan parties. It’s awesome.

Other than that? I get to do what I want. Yet I always feel behind and like I’m getting NOTHING done!

I want to work out every day, but it never seems to happen. I am a creature that needs lots of sleep. Like 8-9 hours a night. Needless to say, getting up early to work out really isn’t an option. So, I figure I’ll do it when I get home, right? Wrong. When I get home, I’m starving (stupid hypoglycemia), thereby, no matter which way you spin it, I have at least an hour or two used up to either cook or find a meal. THEN I need at least an hour to digest so I don’t die at the gym. By that time it’s like 8:00 or 8:30, at which point I start considering it will be about an hour workout and THEN I have to come home and shower. Which takes another hour. (Stupid long hair.) SO by then it’s 11:00 and I’ve accomplished NOTHING except eating and working out. Imagine doing that every day. Yeah. I try to work out three times a week but STILL.

I have a few TV shows I enjoy watching, and I’ve tried to multi-task and do other things while I’m watching, but I’m realizing my brain doesn’t work like that anymore. I end up rewinding things like five times trying to catch what Derek just said to Meredith or whatever. SO, there are several hours a week dedicated to TV. It’s sort of brainless ME time, but again, I get NOTHING done.

This leads me to the weekends.

I typically need to use Saturday to clean, organize and to wade through the laundry pile because HOLY CRAP does my husband get a lot of clothes dirty. I swear I wash five of his things for every one of mine. Then there are always annoying errands like GROCERY SHOPPING to do, and before I know it, my Saturday is gone.

Now, for Sunday. Oui, Sunday. Being a member of the LDS Church, we are asked to keep the Sabbath day holy which means that we try our best not to do any hard work, shopping, eating out, etc. on Sunday. And we spend three hours in church. Oh and my church is 30 miles away so add an extra hour there. I’m not complaining (ok I sort of am but not loud annoying complaining) because I usually enjoy church and have friends there, and being forced to take it easy isn’t a bad thing, but it’s hard sometimes because I feel like most people have two days at the end of their week to do some playing and some chores and stuff, and I feel a little slighted and like I only have one. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love my religion and wouldn’t trade it for anything but I am sort of making a plea for shortened church for those of us with A.D.D. or who are just easily distracted . . . it’s not going to happen, but a girl can dream, right?

Now, add in my work travel and I have pretty much just summed up my entire life for you. Do you see time for vacuuming? Decorating? Working on projects? Joining a book club? WRITING ON MY BLOG? Nope. Not there.

I’m a slightly overweight version of myself trying to figure out how to do it all. Which brings me back to the beginning sentence. I honestly don’t know how people do it. How do you add kids and still work out and keep house and help them with their homework and play with them and all that stuff? How do you decorate your homes so beautifully and still find time to make curtains and do crafts? HOW DO YOU DO IT?

I realize I’m asking the same question women have been asking forever. I realize there’s no absolute answer. I just have all these things I long to do. I look in the mirror and I am sad because my outsides don’t match my insides. I want to fit back into the clothes I’ve saved because I know I can be that skinny again. I want to find time to work out enough that I begin to really enjoy it. I want to cook a great meal every day. I want my home to be beautiful and representative of Matt and I. I want so many things and I’m just not sure how to get them without giving up other things that are important to me.

So seriously, I know you SuperGirls are out there. I read about your lives and I’m mostly inspired, but today I beg you to share your secret with me. I promise not to tell anyone else J.

January 20th, 2009 by Kateastrophe

On this historic day, I believe all Americans have a choice to make. For some, it will be an easy one. For others, it’s going to be difficult, but we all must make it.

Today, we must all choose to whether we support and uphold our new leader, or we don’t.

For me, it’s not a hard choice. I choose to support President Barack Obama.

I do not support him blindly and without caution and reserve, without stipulation or consequence. I have my doubts and concerns, and I believe anyone who doesn’t, hasn’t been paying a whole lot of attention lately. I do not believe that he is the savior of our country or that he will be able to make good on everything he promised us during his campaign. I do not believe all his decisions and policies will be perfect, ideal, or in some cases even close to what’s right. I may not agree with all of his ideas, and I may feel he is, in some ways, misguided, but I truly feel that his intentions are good and that he will do good things for America.

I choose to pray for President Obama because I believe that ANY person in that office, with that kind of responsibility, needs all the help they can get.

I choose to uphold the democratic system that I feel was inspired by God and has done a pretty good job over the last couple of centuries.

I choose to stand by the President, as Teddy Roosevelt so beautifully put it, “so far as he serves the Republic.”

I choose, on a day where we should all be proud to be Americans, to look and hope and pray for the best and leave negativity behind.

I choose to believe in him, because I trust that we live in a world where there are still good people with good intentions, and that President Barack Obama is one of them.

Will you choose to join me?

December 3rd, 2008 by Kateastrophe

The world is full of cheaters and liars, this fact I know to be true because I myself, who I know to be a good person, am still a cheater and a liar.

The first and only time I ever cheated on a test I got caught. I was in fifth grade and we were required to write down all of the Presidents of the United States in order. I couldn’t remember Polk for the life of me. So I glanced at the girl next to me and found the missing name, filled it in on my paper and got 100% on the test. Someone saw and told on me and I was asked to take the test again. That time I missed Taft. I guess missing on out of 41 (I think there were 41 at that time) wasn’t so bad, but I felt like a failure. AND I cheated.

I’m pretty sure that cheating on my President’s test in fifth grade didn’t affect the person I became or have a huge impact on my life now, but I sometimes feel lucky that I got caught because it scared me into never cheating in school again. Maybe I would have turned into a super cheater and cheated my way through life after that. Who knows? And I’d be lying if I said I haven’t cheated on anything since then.

When I was in high school my girlfriends and I were all really good kids. We weren’t underage drinking or having sex under the bleachers. We had a tight group of friends and going to bed on the weekends just wasn’t fun. We used to sneak out of whichever house we were staying at that weekend and just drive around our little town, laughing and having a good old time. Every once in a while we’d get caught and the lies would spew forth. Someone had been sick. We’d been at one persons house and our parents had misheard we’d been somewhere else. On and on it would go. Then, one day we spent the night at our friend Katy’s house. We came in at 4 am, just as her Mom was getting up for work. We all freaked out, knowing all our parents were going to be called and grounding would ensue. Elizabeth, Katy’s mom, looked at all of us and asked us where we’d been. “Out and about, just hanging out. We just got back about five minutes ago.” Katy replied. “Awesome! Glad you’re home. Sleep well, girls!”

I’d never seen anything like it. Katy just looked at her Mom, told her the truth, and Elizabeth trusted her and knew we weren’t in any trouble and let it go. Now, I realize a bunch of teenage girls out on the town isn’t NORMALLY no trouble, but we really were and Elizabeth knew it and we didn’t have to lie.

I wish I’d learned my lesson then, but I continued to lie . . . and still do. I justify it by saying that my lies don’t affect anyone or that they’re just little white lies but I’m well aware those aren’t such a great idea either.

Someone very close to me has a huge cheating and lying problem. It’s gotten him into more trouble in his life than I can even begin to explain. It’s happened again and again and again. It’s a sickness and it sucks for both him and those who love him. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how someone gets to be that way. How someone looks their loved ones in the face and blatantly lies about everything. I mean EVERYTHING. From the big stuff about being faithful to a spouse to things that don’t even matter like what kind of medication he took for his cold. How does this happen? Is it just in his nature? Can he help it?

I don’t know the ultimate answer but the more I think about it the more I think that it starts out small. It starts as a small lie you tell your friend or your husband about where you’re going or where you’ve been or whatever. That was easy enough, so next time you’re doing it, you lie again, then again. You’re not doing anything wrong, you just don’t want to be bothered or whatever. Maybe you mess up and don’t keep your stories straight or someone seems suspicious and you don’t want to look stupid for lying for no good reason, so you lie bigger. Then you’re in a web that you can’t escape and before you know it, you’re asking others to lie for you and lying more and then inevitably, you get caught. Now, because you lied to begin with, you look all kinds of guilty and what started out as not wanting to be bothered causes your loved ones to no longer trust you. It’s a nasty, vicious cycle. Now, imagine what it’s like if you’re actually doing something wrong! Holy crap!

A friend of mine recently said “if you feel like you have to lie, you’ve already crossed the line.” Amen, sister. Amen.

There is a line in the movie “Meet Joe Black” that affected me deeply when I saw the movie way back in 1998. Joe and Quince, the goofy brother-in-law are talking after Quince finds out something he said cause his wife’s father to be fired. He knows he has to tell his wife but is terrified. Joe says ” . . . but Allison loves you? How do you know?” And Quince looks at him and says “Because she knows the worst thing about me and it’s ok.”

I decided the moment I heard that line – THAT is how I wanted my marriage to be. Matt really does know the worst things about me. Things I’ve never told anyone but him. Things I’m ashamed of. Stupid things I do all the time. I decided that if he couldn’t love ALL of me, no matter how bad it was, it would never work. So anytime he asks me a question, I do my best to answer truthfully. When my ex-boyfriend calls, it’s not a secret. Matt doesn’t love it, but it’s not a secret. I don’t ever want to give him a reason to be suspicious of me, because the second the trust is gone is the second my marriage isn’t working. I’ve seen too many lives and marriages torn apart by lies to even start down that road. So, if I can do it with my husband I should really be able to do it with everyone in my life.

I resolve today to be more honest and upfront, even in the little, insignificant things. The commandment doesn’t say “thou shalt not lie unless it’s just a little lie.” It says “thou shalt not lie.” Period.

So I shalt not lie. Period.

November 26th, 2008 by Kateastrophe

WOAH.  It’s like, the 26th.  I’m not really sure where the month went but it’s definitely GONE.

So, tomorrow is Thanksgiving.  I’ve pulled out my Thanksgiving pants (what’s it from??) and I’m ready to gorge myself.  I’m in charge of creamed corn and mashed potatoes for Matt’s family’s feast tomorrow and I’m glad I have those two because I rule at making both.  Gravy I cannot do.  Killer mashed potatoes and my Grandma’s famous creamed corn?  Yes please.  I feel a little weight gain on the horizon, oh yes I do.

We got some of our Christmas lights up on the house on Monday (thanks in-laws!  Love you!) and as soon as the baby shower decorations come down on Saturday, the rest of Christmas will go up.  I’m so excited.  Have I ever mentioned how much I love Christmas?  I LOVE CHRISTMAS SO MUCH!  I mean, I sort of feel bad for Thanksgiving because it’s not getting a lot of recognition this year but HELLO CHRISTMAS!  You are only three weeks away!  And this year ALL my siblings and I will be at Club Lynsky (aka Grandma’s house) in California.  And we’ve got mucho fun planned.  Family pictures barefoot on the beach, tickets to Wicked, secret surprises, delicious food . . . I am so excited I can barely stand it.

Then?  Guess what happens then?

Kate’s. Birthday. Week.

That’s right.  I decided a few years ago that having a birthday six days after Christmas wasn’t really ideal, so I’ve imposed a rule on everyone around me.  The second Christmas is over?  Celebration “Kate is Awesome” begins.  Selfish?  Absolutely.  Worth it?  You betcha.

And with that, I get back to celebrating Thanksgiving for just a minute.  I have many, many things to be grateful for, but here are my top ten:

1. My husband.  I swear I married the kindest man alive  and I am so lucky to have him.

2. My family.  I don’t know what I’d do without them and all of their craziness.  Not a day goes by I don’t talk to at least one of them and I’m so glad we’re all so close.

3.  My friends.  I’m not sure what I did to deserve girlfriends like I have but the older I get, the luckier I feel to have friends like I do.

4.  My job.  This is a crappy economy and I’m so blessed to not only have a steady income, but a career and a boss I love!

5.   My home.  It’s raining outside today and I can’t help but think that there are people out there with no place to keep warm and I am so grateful to not only have a house, but to have a house I love so much.

6.  My faith.  I know who I am and what my purpose on Earth is and I’m grateful every day for a loving Father in Heaven and for our Saviour Jesus Christ.

7.  Sunshine.  On a cloudy day I realize how much I love living in a place where the sun shines 300 days a year or so.

8.  Pedicures.  Trivial, but true.  I love having clean, well kept feet and heaven knows I couldn’t do it myself!

9.  Music.  I seriously don’t know how I could live without it in my life.

10. Diet Coke.  Shut up, I love it.

September 24th, 2008 by Kateastrophe

Monday morning I showed up at work and saw a chubby security guard smoking near our main door.  I shrugged it off thinking he was from another office in our building and just taking a smoke break away from his main duties or something.  I walked inside and was greeted by two of our senior level employees who were manning the front desk, armed with some sort of . . . list.  I paused, confused, and then asked them what they were doing (and in my head wondered where our receptionist was.)  “Just hanging out,” one said, as he eyed his list.  The other just nodded and checked his laptop.

As I walked back to my cube, I saw through the cracks of the blinds in our board room a bunch of people sitting in some sort of meeting.  It was early for a meeting in our office.  We’re a technology company full of . . . technology people.  We sort of roll in around 8:45 and it was 8:20 or so.  I was early because Matt had a meeting a few blocks from my office and we had carpooled.  I was baffled, but blew it off.  I’m not “in the know” around the office anymore.  Maybe it was a board meeting.

I sat down at my desk and started my computer.

“You made the cut,” said the familiar voice from the next cube.  “I guess we both did.”

That’s when it hit me.  The security guard, the people in the lobby, the early morning meeting. 

Terminations.

Almost 20 people were let go from our company early Monday morning.  I knew and respected all of them.  The decision to terminate these employees was explained later in a company meeting.  It made sense.  They had done everything they could to be fair and help these people find new jobs and move on with their lives.  But it still sucked.  A lot.

My boss said that he knew it would take a couple of days for the reality to really hit me.  Boy was he right.  Right now I feel so many things.

Relief. 

I wasn’t terminated — in fact I was given a raise and somewhat of an unofficial promotion less than a week ago.  My performance review was excellent.  I am learning a lot and my new boss seems to respect and like me (and the feeling is very mutual.)  I am considered a valuable knowledge asset and my opinion appears to be highly valued.  I am about to take two days off for a family vacation, shortly followed by a two week vacation to China.  I feel truly lucky and relieved that I still have my job and all the benefits that come with it.

Guilt.

One employee who was let go has five children.  Several have family members with severe healthy problems.  One in particular had expressed to me their dire financial situation and the stress involved in just making ends meet.  One had just put a deposit down on a new house.  Another had just paid for the first class plane tickets jetting him off on the vacation of a lifetime.  All of these people’s lives have been impacted in a way I can’t imagine.  My husband has a good job.  Our bills are manageable.  We are lucky to have more than enough.  We don’t have children (or anyone, really) relying on us to provide for their existence.  I have connections and people willing to give me a job at any moment.  I feel guilty that I get to stay, secure in my position.

Frustration.

I’m frusrated that in the past four years our company has been thisclose to profitability and stability yet somehow keep missing the mark.  I’m frustrated that my company stock is worth less than it was when I started.  Frustrated thinking maybe I made the wrong decision when I turned down a job offer a few months ago because I truly believed that we could get over the hump and reach our potential as a company.  I’m extremely frustrated with the economy.  I hate the housing market.  Luckily, I don’t have enough money to lose any with the latest financial crisis but I’m pissed at what’s happening to so many.  Gas prices still suck (I sure sold my Civic and traded in my Corolla at the wrong time, didn’t I?) and some of that extra I mentioned has been flushed down the hypothetical economic toilet of death.

Exhaustion.

Myself and everyone remaining at our company has gone into turbo mode since Monday.  It’s like a knee jerk reaction.  We still have our jobs and know the company would have to close it’s doors if it lost another 20 or so, but we’re all working like tomorrow may never come.  My brain is going a million miles a minute trying to get all the things I want to do organized into some sort of system.  I’m in a meetings all day and trying to fit all my tasks into the few minutes between which are usually reserved for bathroom or food breaks.  I’ve come home the last two days ready to collapse with exhaustion, yet I’ve been sitting on my butt all day.  I’d rather put a gun to my head than go to the gym or be active.

Determination.

I’m forcing my brain and body to suck it up.  I am going to work harder.  Prove myself even more.  I will accomplish my goals.  I will get all my work done.  I will not let anyone down.  Despite everything, I still believe in my company.  I know we can be successful and I will be a part of that success.  Just watch me.

I mourn for my friends who lost their jobs.  I’ll miss our lunches and the inappropriate conversations that ensued.  I’ll miss stealing candy from their desks and writing notes on their whiteboards.  I’ll even miss refilling the CO2 tank while they stand there and watch me struggle.  I hope they all find a better place to rest soon.  That they’ll remember me fondly and that we can stay in touch.

As for me, I’m thanking the Lord that I still have my job and that all my different emotions have lead me to the decision to try a little harder.  Just maybe, just a little bit, what happened was supposed to be a lesson for me.  A lesson in gratitude, in empathy, sympathy and perserverence. 

Just maybe I’ll learn.  And remember.  And grow.

September 1st, 2008 by Kateastrophe

I don’t care what anyone says.  God makes miracles happen.

Category 5 hurricanes diffuse, despite ideal conditions to increase, and hit land as category 2 hurricanes.  Levies hold (so far), homes are protected, peoples lives are saved and my angel of a little sister, full of relief and joy, danced in the rain and laughed in the face of Gustav.