December 17th, 2011 by Kateastrophe

Matt was expressing his irritation at my getting flour all over his iPad the other day while I was using it to cook (happens a lot and it’s covered like Fort Knox so it’s not like I’m going to DO anything to it) and then he said something that for some reason struck me as Hi-larious.

“Shouldn’t we have won an extra iPad by now?  I mean, COME ON.  We haven’t won anything or had any great news in a long time.  This year has been crappy with a capital S-H and I THINK WE DESERVE TO WIN AN IPAD.”

I just started laughing and couldn’t stop for about ten minutes.  It was funny for so many reasons, the first being we haven’t entered to win an iPad so unless someone is delivering them door to door, it’s not happening.  Second, we HAVE an iPad and I’m absolutely certain we don’t need two.  I mean, I wouldn’t say NO to one but it’s not like I have this great urge to go out and drop the cash on a second one.  Third, Matt having a burst of emotion such as that is just plain funny.  I think, however, that I was laughing mostly out of 2011 exhaustion.  It’s that slap happiness that hits you at 3 am at a sleepover and you know you’ve passed the point of no return and all you can do is laugh.  That’s where I’m at with 2011.  It’s the 3am of the year, two weeks left, and I can’t do anything but laugh until I pass out from exhaustion and wake up in 2012.

I remember so vividly writing this post on the eve of my 30th birthday last year.  I was so very certain that 2011 was going to be the greatest year ever.  And frankly, it started off that way.  I got a new job, I spent an amazing few days with awesome friends in Disneyworld, I found out we were pregnant again and carried that little baby past 12 weeks and into what seemed like the safe zone…then around April everything just sort of fell apart.  The baby didn’t make it, the new job wasn’t all it was cracked up to be, I was a huge ball of stress and I had a good three months of invasive poking and prodding only to find out there wasn’t much wrong and we had no idea why my babies weren’t making it.  Then, in September it all sort of culminated in the official loss of my job, still not being pregnant and having a lot of spare anger and emotions to top it all off.  We are all very lucky I had proactively started on anti-depressants in April because BOY HOWDY was September rough.  Now, complete in fairness to 2011, the last three months haven’t been bad at all with two trips home to Utah, a wonderful Thanksgiving with my brothers and sister and a contract job that seems to be working out really well.  So all things told, five months of the year were the crappiest in memory, three months were not so bad and three were some of the best of my life.  It’s been a roller coaster for sure.

As always, the love and support I’ve had through all of this has been greater than I could ever explain.  In general, people have been SO kind and SO understanding.  There have been the random letters and statements telling me to “suck it up” but I think the people saying those things really hadn’t taken the time to hear and understand the entire story, and I know they were just trying - in their weird way - to be helpful.    I try not to hold it against anyone just as I hope that they won’t hold my recent strange behavior and attitude issues against me.  As I said, almost everyone has been fantastic.  Supportive, thoughtful, kind and willing to be there for me in whatever way I need.  I am so unbelievably grateful to have the friends and family I do and I wish that I could do more for them.

I’m still not quite to that point that people claim you get to where you can look back on your troubles and say you were grateful for what you learned.  I still struggle every day with trying to figure out how to be OK with some of the things that happened.  I’m struggling with finding happiness for others who have the things I’ve been denied.  I’m struggling with some feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy due to the job failure.   I’m struggling to find peace with the things that happened and move on.  In some cases the painful things were absolutely no fault of my own and in others, there are lots of things I need to think on to determine what I may have done to contribute and make sure I prevent that behavior in the future.   It’s a daily battle but I’m working so hard and I really think I’m almost there.

I’m looking forward to turning the page on this year.  I’m counting on a fantastic 2012, whatever it brings.  That might mean a baby, a new job, a promotion for Matt, a new house, a big vacation (Australia, anyone?!?!) or just a happier outlook.  At the very least I’m aiming for that last one.  I’m going to be happy in 2012…even if it means upping my medication dose.  Ha!  Just kidding.  Maybe.

November 9th, 2011 by Kateastrophe

Um, hi blog.  How you been?  Lonely?  Ignored?  Sorry ’bout that.  Don’t get mad.

So things have been, as per usual, crazy.  I don’t know why I’m ever surprised that no matter how un-busy I’m supposed to be life always gets crazy.  I’ve been up to my earballs (you heard me) in contract work - I now have a full-timeish gig and another (higher paying!  Woot!) one that shouldn’t take a lot of time long term but right now needs lots of attention.  I’m loving the work, loving the interaction and learning a lot both about these companies and my actual abilities.  I will admit after the failure of my last job, I was starting to doubt my career choice as well as my talents.  This whole thing has been hard but good for me.

During the craziness Matt and I took a little road trip to Utah.  He went hunting and camping with his Dad and brother.  He went with strict instructions that if they were to kill something, no meat was to enter my house.   I barely know what to do with ground beef let alone a deer or elk or whatever they hunt out there.

While they did the manly stuff, I got to go HOME!  And hang out with my MOM!  And my FRIENDS!  And see the mountains changing colors, go for walks in the crispy fallness and have an all around great time.  It was perfect.  Then after Matt finished hunting, we got to hang out and do more fun stuff.  It was a great trip and I came home feeling very relaxed, which is good because I had tons of work to do back here.

No news on the baby front.  It’s interesting that I was able to get pregnant before just LOOKING at Matt and now that we have a tiny inkling of hope and some things to try in an attempt to keep that baby in there, we can’t get pregnant.  What the what?  It’s been six months and…nothing.  Now I realize for some this is no time at all but, given my previous experiences, it’s a new challenge.  My cycles, after years of being exactly on time and predictable are ALL OVER THE PLACE.   One month I have a normal cycle.  The next month, 34 days - six of which I naturally spend thinking I’m pregnant again despite negative pregnancy tests.  It’s madness up in there.  I’m sure it’s stress related so I’m trying hard just to stay calm and take deep breaths.  If you know me at all, it’s not working very well.  Shocker.  Hopefully both my reproductive system and I can just calm the hell down already and try this madness again, this time with better results.  I think my biggest challenge lies ahead though.  If I actually can get pregnant anytime soon, I’ll immediately start stressing all over again that I’m going to lose that baby too.  Since the last miscarriage was in the second trimester I don’t even get to feel safe after 12 weeks.  Party in my uterus, right?  Too bad I can’t take Xanax while pregnant, right?

Let’s see…what else is going on?  I’m trying to workout more consistently (what else is new) and making more meals since I’m working from home most of the time.  I’ve also been perfecting the art of sourdough bread and much to my delight, it’s working and DELICIOUS.  This baking thing might not be so bad!  It’s making my kitchen look like a flour bomb went off  and I think my Kitchenaid will never be the same but whatever.  Yay for delicious bread!   Next on the list is sourdough ciabatta. Hold me!

The weather in Phoenix has been delightful and even fall-ish, which is awesome.  I’m wearing a sweater today and I even bought some fall boots…now if I could just liposuction my calves to fit into them a little better.  Anyone have a solution for ugly bunchy kneed jeans under boots (that isn’t leggings?  This butt doesn’t wear leggings)?  It makes me look like a marshmallow man.

We’re heading back to Utah for another week for Thanksgiving.  All my siblings will be there which should be super fun.  It should be freezing which is crappy because other than the above mentioned ill-fitting boots, I don’t have any close toed shoes.  So I’m going to have to figure something out so I don’t lose any of my piggies to frost bite. I guess that’s what the Nordstrom Semi-Annual Sale is for, right?!

Well, I guess that’s that.  You’ve been updated.  Not very exciting, but there it is.  My life is busy but not exciting.  Woot!

May 9th, 2011 by Kateastrophe

I’m not going to beat around the bush here.  Mother’s Day when you’re supposed to have either a three month old, be three weeks from your due date or be four months pregnant but you’re none of those three things sucks a big old pile of crap.  Let’s just say I’ve cried a lot the last few days.

I think maybe the hardest part is that I AM a mother, I just don’t have proof for the world to see.  I don’t have pictures of a newborn adorning my desktop and Facebook profile and I don’t have videos of the first smile or bath or haircut.  I have six months of being exhausted, six more of being hormonally imbalanced and three sets of ultrasound pictures of the babies that were mine and Matt’s for only a short while.  Wanna see?

We have Alien v1.o who was with us for 10 weeks.

We have Alien v2.0 who was a little Houdini and didn’t show up then did and then left us two days later at 7.5 weeks.

Finally we have our little fighter, Version 3.0 who stuck with us the longest at 14.5 weeks and even gave us a wave during the ultrasound (second picture).   It was nice to finally see human-esque parts even if they were still a little more like a strange amphibian than a human but we thought it was cute.

Someday we’ll have a living, breathing part of us walking around, it just seems that someday is a little (a lot) further out than we expected.  We have an excellent doctor and as of today, we have a plan for figuring out what’s going on.  We have the world’s best insurance that will 100% cover ANY treatment we may need to get our little offspring here.   We have supportive friends and family who make it known every day that we are loved and thought about and prayed for.

All of those things are awesome but it doesn’t mean this doesn’t hurt like nothing I’ve ever experienced before.   Mother’s Day might be hard next year, too.  And I suppose it’s possible that it might be hard for the rest of my life, as may the due dates of  these babies.  I’m working through it, struggling some days, excelling others.  Life goes on.  People are announcing pregnancies and having babies and I’m watching the world turn around me and trying to keep up.  Today it didn’t feel like I was succeeding but then I got a mani/pedi and my husband made dinner and I remembered there are lots and lots of reasons to smile.  So I did.

April 28th, 2011 by Kateastrophe

Just a quick update so you guys don’t think I’ve jumped off a cliff or something…

I’m doing really well, all things considered.

This miscarriage was hard, and will probably continue to be so but I’m finding some small bits of silver lining.  My maternity benefits increase substantially after a full year on the job.  I get six weeks 100% paid leave, FMLA leave AND short-term disability.  Also, the VP over our department just announced she is expecting around the same time I would have been and another girl on my small three person team is getting married the same week.  Had all of us been out at the same time I sort of can’t imagine what would have happened.  Now I just have to get up to speed by October and ready to take over some extra work.  I was DREADING being in my third trimester during the hottest months of the Phoenix summer so it’s nice that I can try to avoid that.

The recovery from my D&E has been a total breeze.  I was tired for a few days but back at work the next Monday.  I got a recommendation for one of the best fertility specialists in the state and I have my first consultation a week from Monday.  He won’t start testing right away but  at least we can get a plan of action together to figure out what is going on and how to fix it.  I’m an action person and I’m really anxious to have a plan and a list of things I need to do in order to try to find out what’s causing these issues.  Even if it’s not great news, at least then I’ll KNOW and be able to process my options with all the information in place.

Work has been a big factor in keeping my mind off of things.  I’m getting busier every day and I love not having time to sit and think about what’s going on with me.  I have things like average order size to increase so I can increase my quarterly bonus.  It’s a great incentive to not wallow.

I’ve also started on an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication.  You guys, it’s awesome.  I know that there’s still a stigma around mood elevating medication but within 24 hours I had stopped crying on my 30 minute commute to and from work, at lunch and anytime I was alone.  I am sleeping well,  my appetite has stayed decent, my energy is up and I feel like my coping skills have improved significantly.  I asked for the medication because I know I suffered from some postpartum depression after the last miscarriage and I wanted to avoid that crash when it inevitably happens in a month or so.  I did not expect to feel so much better so quickly and I’m so grateful that I am.  I still feel sadness and loss and all the things that I should be feeling but they aren’t dragging me down with them.  I can process them and move past the waves of sadness without feeling like I’m drowning or trapped.  I don’t want to sound like a pill-pusher but I am truly a believer in recognizing when your body knows it’s not doing OK and doing what you need to do to get back to good.   This time I knew that was help in the form of meds.

My other form of help comes from my wonderful girlfriends.  They have truly saved me.  I can’t even begin to list the kindnesses that have taken place over the last week and a half.  I’m so so so so so lucky to have such wonderful friends all over the world.  I’ve received visits, flowers, cards and emails from friends in Virginia, Rhode Island, Canada, Australia, Pennsylvania, Texas, California, Nevada, Utah and probably ten other places I can think of  and of course here in Phoenix.  One of my oldest friends called right after she woke up with a start one morning to tell me that she felt she needed to make sure I knew that I had a circle of women with me every step of this process, supporting me, suffering with me and pulling me through my darkest moments - even if they couldn’t be there in person, their prayers, light and spirits were with me.  I believe this with all my heart.   I have been blessed with the most wonderful friends in the world and I just want every single one of you to know how much I appreciate you.

My family has again been so wonderful through all of this.  My sister was once again with me every second, making sure I had everything I needed…including bowls of Easter candy waiting out for me when I got back from the clinic.  My mom, dad, brothers, stepmother and grandparents have all been checking on my daily, all with with offers to drop everything to come to my side if needed.  And of course my husband…he is my rock solid foundation and I know with him by my side I can get through anything.

Despite feeling like life kicked me in the gut again, I know that I’m one of the luckiest girls alive because of the people that surround me and love me in spite of my huge list of flaws.  I don’t ever have to worry about falling because I have so many wonderful people willing to hold me up and carry me if necessary to help keep me upright.  I cannot thank the Lord enough for sending all of you (and many not reading) into my life.  I cannot feel sorry for myself when I have such a blessed life.  Thank you for being part of it.

December 20th, 2010 by Kateastrophe

Saturday night we went to dinner at my favorite burger joint (and it’s not really a joint, it’s more like a high end restaurant that really only serves burgers but that’s not really the point so I don’t know why I even bother to explain!) for my brother Patrick’s 24th birthday.  He had just flown in from Utah and the day before my Dad and Aunt Kathy had arrived from their far away homes of China and Brazil.  We had an absolute blast.  Within half an hour my brother had compared himself to Kobe beef, my Dad had hit the table so hard that half the restaurant went deaf and my brother had taken off his shirt.  I’m not even joking.  We laughed until we cried and were so rowdy I’m sure there were people at the restaurant complaining but we were having fun and didn’t get kicked out so that’s a plus. 

Then all weekend we’ve baked and cooked and played cards and laughed and yelled and hooted and done so many fun things together.  There are moments of stress because it’s the Holidays and we’re all sort of squished in one place, but overall, we’re having a complete blast.  I took a step back yesterday and watched the joy all around me and it made me realize and appreciate how much I truly love my family.

We’ve had our share of drama.  Two divorces, lots of drug problems, plenty of minor mental illness for all, stuff that’s hard to even describe…but through it all, I can truly say that I wouldn’t trade my siblings for the world.  I love my parents for who they are and for the things they’ve taught me.  And I love how much fun we all have.

My Dad can make me laugh harder than anyone alive.  He always believed in me and helped me understand that I could do and be anything I wanted to.  Plus, he’s affectionate.  I’ve never ever thought he didn’t love me and he’s never been scared to say it or show it.  This is something he taught my brothers as well.  I’ve never ended a conversation with either one of my giant, manly brothers without them telling me they love me and, if we’re in a person, a huge hug. 

My Mom is amazing.  She is always singing or humming and despite a life that belongs in a soap opera or fiction novel, she’s happy no matter what.  She’s trusting and faithful and wonderful and I love everything about her.  And bonus!  She’s also affectionate!  I always got hugs and love and we could always pile in her bed if we needed a snuggle.  She taught me how to be strong and independent and confident and so many things that have helped me succeed.  She can also make me laugh just as hard as my Dad.

My sister…there aren’t really words.  She’s amazing.  We didn’t get off to the greatest start but as we’ve grown we’ve both come to realize how much we can learn from each other.  She is my hyper, tiny sidekick.  We make up dances, we laugh until our sides hurt and we have a blast.  But she’s also been there for me through some of the hardest things that have happened in my life and I love her so much it almost hurts my heart.

I see all around me people who don’t like their families very much.  They don’t talk to their parents or their siblings.  They don’t spend holidays together, getting food coloring stained on their hands from decorating cookies or watching their sister accidentally get in the wrong car of the grocery store parking lot.  They don’t get to sit on the couch with their Dad and watch him laugh until he cries while watching a movie or get woken up by a dog pile of siblings in the bed.  They don’t sit around the dinner table after eating a ginormous meal and talk about family traditions or funny things that happened when they were kids.  It makes me feel sad and lucky all at the same time.

As I get older I appreciate more and more what an amazing blessing it is that our family has chosen to remain close.  And trust me, it’s a choice.  Just because we’re all awesome doesn’t mean we don’t fight and want to kill each other sometimes.  But we’ve always chosen to get past it and I’m so so glad.  I count my family as my greatest blessing and I feel pretty lucky to have them.  Even when they are eating me out of house and home and I have to go to the grocery store for milk for the fifteenth time since Friday.  I guess they’re worth it.

December 8th, 2010 by Kateastrophe

Some of my most favorite life memories involve my Grandma.  She has been my best friend for my whole life.  We don’t look much alike but I like to think I’m her mini-me, personality wise, although she’s much mellower than I am…

My Grandma was born in a tiny town in Ohio and her father was the only doctor in the county.  She had a super cool, eccentric mother and grew up very posh.  She attended an all-girls college and was engaged to someone else when she met and got engaged to my Grandpa.  Scandalous!  Once I asked her why she decided to leave the other guy for Grandpa and she told me that Grandpa was the big man on campus, the hottest guy she’d ever seen and she just couldn’t say no to those blue eyes!  They made quite the couple.  Their wedding pictures look like something out of a magazine.  I wish I had some scanned in to share.  They were both so unbelievably beautiful it takes my breath away.

Grandma was (and still is) gorgeous. She actually modeled for quite a long time and has always been one of the most fashionable, beautiful women I’ve ever seen.  She is the epitome of class. As long as I can remember her hair has been looooong but she keeps it up in a neat bun.  I used to spend hours sitting on her bed helping her brush her hair and then helping her pick out her meticulously matched outfits and jewelry.  My love of shoes and clothes (and shopping!) comes directly from her. 

The family travel bug started with Grandma, I’m sure of it.  When my Mom was growing up in Yugoslavia, Grandma used to cram all the kids into their Volkswagon Vanogen and just drive somewhere fun for weeks at a time.  There’s a story about one summer she decided to camp on the beach outside of Venice.  They spent a few days there and then one rainy day noticed everyone else was packing up to leave.  Turns out some sort of hurricane like storm was blowing through.  Grandma refused to leave.  She wanted more time on vacation so they battened down the hatches and stuck it out.  By the next day Mom claims the weather was great again AND they had the beach to themselves.  Grandma took them skiing in the Alps and all over the US.  She loved to ski as much as the kids did.  I remember growing up getting little presents from India, Australia, all over Europe, Russia and even Africa.  Now that she’s older she hasn’t stopped traveling at all.  She recently went on a 15 day African Safari and slept half the time in a tent.  The year before that she went to Nepal and slept on cold cement floors at high elevations.  She is my travelling hero.  She has hundreds of photo albums filled with pictures of her amazing trips and she loves to talk about them.  I remember once she even braved Disneyland with all four of us kids…by herself!  I’m so glad I inherited the love of travelling and adventure from her. 

The other thing I definitely inherited from Grandma is a love of entertaining.  She has at least ten different sets of china and elaborate place settings to match.  She has cupboards full of chaffing dishes and serving-ware and is a master of presentation.  Her Christmas table is one of my favorite things.  She throws a yearly block party for Christmas AND for the 4th of July.  The whole neighborhood looks forward to her parties.  I dream of throwing parties the way she does and I’m working on building up my China collection.  I’m also working on learning her recipes so I can impress everyone’s taste buds like she does too. 

On top of the entertaining, she is so warm and welcoming.  Her home is always open to guests and company.  The door to their house is never closed or locked.  Friends and neighbors know they can always walk in and just shout “hello” as they do.  My girlfriends and I have been vacationing at her house since we were 14.  She loves my friends like her own grand-kids.  We are always welcomed with huge hugs and tips on where to go for the best time on our trip.  She even lets us stay at the house when she and Grandpa are gone!

When she was 55, Grandma went back to school and got a degree in interior design.  Grandpa likes to joke and say the only home she ever decorated was his.  The house really is beautiful.  She redoes a room about every year and her taste is impeccable.  Her home is my second home and I love being there.  She also goes ALL OUT for Christmas and the house transforms into the North Pole in California.  She’s been slowly giving me the kind of Christmas decorations that she has so someday I get to have the North Pole in Arizona (or wherever I end up living).

As you can see, I might just have the coolest Grandma ever.  She’s fun, and happy and wonderful to be around. She’s also our family’s quiet, strong hero.  She had to deal with a lot in her life (I know it doesn’t sound like it but trust me on this one) and she has handled it all with poise, grace and a smile.  I dream of someday being half the woman she is and I’m so very lucky God let me have her as my Grandma.

November 15th, 2010 by Kateastrophe

My husband has a brother named Mike whom I’ve never met.  He passed away in a car accident a long time ago.  Today would have been his 33rd birthday.  It’s a tragic story for so many reasons.  He was young and in the prime of his life.  He had been called to serve a mission for our church in Brazil, the same place my husband had just returned from serving his two year mission.  They were excited to both speak Portuguese and Matt was already planning a trip to go pick Mike up when he was done with his mission.  Mike was fun and joyful and wonderful.  And now, as long as they live, their family has a hole in it.

Sometimes it’s hard to know how to be there for Matt and his family because I didn’t know Mike.  I only have pictures and stories and sometimes they evoke pain instead of happiness.  I try hard to be respectful of any feelings and emotions this time of year and I try to help in any way I can but I’m sure I fail.  I’ve started some traditions to help remember Mike on his birthday.  Matt and I have sent flowers to his parents every year since we’ve been married.  It’s not much but I feel like it shows his parents that we are thinking of them and that we will never forget. This year I had a little “Remember Mike” birthday party.  I served his favorite food (pizza and chocolate cake) and we looked at pictures Matt’s Mom sent to us and talked about the memories behind them.  It was hard and it was fun all at the same time.  I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for Matt’s family to think about the days when Mike was still here but I hope that somehow talking about the good times helps keep his memory alive.  Besides, I love learning about some of the things that Mike and I have in common because as it turns out, there are quite a lot of those things.  I also love learning about how we were different and about the things that he struggled with.  It makes him much more real to me.

It’s hard to understand why God would take such a wonderful, vibrant young man from his family.  Sometimes I think it’s maddening and infuriating and just downright unfair - something I feel like I’m saying a lot lately.  (I maybe have some pent up rage??)  However, as unfair as life sometimes is, as I’ve also been saying a lot lately, I believe that God gives us hard experiences to make us stronger.  I also believe that sometimes the lesson we are supposed to learn or the reason for a trial or difficult life challenge may not be made known in this lifetime. Yes, sometimes that makes me mad.  Sometimes I think we deserve explanations for why we suffer. Most of the time, much to my dismay, I don’t get my way.  Life is hard and it’s hard for a reason.  None of us can grow and progress unless we are stretched to our limits.  I’m grateful to believe in a God who is well aware of what those limits are and who will never, ever give us more than we can handle or stretch us too far.

Today I am grateful for the knowledge that I have that families are forever - Mike will be with his family again someday and I will have a chance to meet him and got get to know him. I believe he is in heaven with my future children and grandchildren, preparing them for this wild Earth ride.  I don’t think the LDS Church is alone in the belief of being with our loved ones in Heaven but I do believe that the focus we put on the eternal nature of families makes us unique and gives so much comfort when hard things like this happen.  We speak often about the Plan of Happiness and why we believe the Lord sent us to Earth.  Worthy members of the Church are sealed together for time and all eternity in our marriage ceremony…not just until death do we part.  Our entire focus is on keeping families together.  I love that.  That is my truth.  I’m so grateful for a God who has a plan (he must have known that I’m a big fan of plans) to help us all return to live with Him with the relationships we’ve formed on Earth intact.  As hard as it is that Mike isn’t here, I’m so glad to know without a doubt that he’s alive and well watching over our family every single day.

————-

***If you’d like to learn more about what my family and other Mormons believe, you can visit the new and improved Mormon.org.  There is a whole section of questions and answers, a live chat feature (ooooh, aaaaah) and a way to find the testimonies of people just like you.  You can also request a free Book of Mormon here and even schedule an appointment with the missionaries if you would like.  I try hard not to be preachy and I truly respect the beliefs of all so please understand that I would never force this on anyone.  Despite being raised in a heavily Mormon society, I did my best to study other beliefs and religions and after much soul searching and prayer, THIS is what I believe and know to be true. The comfort and peace as well as miracles and blessings my beliefs have brought to me over the years are undeniable.  If you’re searching for something more, do me a favor and just look into it.  If you’re curious, look into it.  Either way you can learn something new and maybe help people understand that Mormons REALLY don’t have horns and we REALLY aren’t all polygamists.  And yes, I’ve seriously been asked both questions before.  Also, I’m also always here to answer any questions you might have.  You can email me anytime at kateastrophe(at)cox(dot)net***

October 19th, 2010 by Kateastrophe

Sometimes it gives you papercuts then squeezes the lemon juice onto the cuts then takes a step back and throws the lemons in your face while it laughs hysterically at your pain.

And that’s the kind of month I’m having.

We lost another baby this weekend.  I wasn’t as far along this time but it had been a very emotional, stressful couple of weeks with the little bean and the ups and downs have ended in a big fat down.

I wrote about it again over at Growing Kateastrophe.  I figure my life is already an open book, I might as well keep sharing.

Last time I was sad.  This time I’m just really, incredibly pissed off.

August 31st, 2010 by Kateastrophe

Six years and 24 days ago I moved to Phoenix in the middle of the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad summer heat.  I packed everything I had into my little Corolla S and a small Uhaul.  I put in a mix CD of songs about “Breaking Away” and “Changing Lives” and made my way down the freeway, following love and a new job.  I cried because I was leaving home and scared that nothing was going to work out and I’d be stuck in Phoenix with nothing.

Lucky for me both the new job and the love worked out in a big way.

Matt and I were married ten months after the move.  He is my heart and soul and even though there are moments I miss my home town, being near him IS home.

The job I kept until a year ago today and I still miss it.  I think I truly grew up there.  I got my first big promotion, my first real title, went on my first business trip, earned the trust and respect of big important people and got my first huge, eye-popping raise at Vcommerce.  I made friends I’ll never forget, saw things that changed my life and learned things that have made me a much better person.  Walking out the door was one of the most heartbreaking things I’ve ever done.

However.

This year has given me a lot of new experiences and most importantly, new perspective.  Some crazy (CRAZY!) things happened recently that made me realize that being let go was probably the best “accident” of my life.  Not being at that company or affiliated with some of the people there right now is a really, really, REALLY good thing.  My new job isn’t “ideal” but it’s wonderful.  It’s low stress, secure and the people here are awesome.  I’m learning a lot about a new industry.  Every day it seems new opportunities, some a little more up my ideal career alley, are forming for me.  My expertise and input are valued and utilized here.  Plus, I’ve got a kick-a Assistant Vice-President title that comes with officer level stock match.  It’s awesome. 

This job also helped me make some personal decisions that I don’t think I would have made at the last job.  The baby we lost wasn’t planned but when I was pregnant I realized that if it’s something I choose to do, I can do this job and be a good mom.  I don’t know if I could have balanced things as well at the old job.  Now I feel a lot more comfortable with the possibility of (gulp) having a baby (shh don’t tell).  I have more time to try to be a good wife, sister, friend, chef, exercise junkie, house cleaner (ha! yeah right) or whatever I want to do after work.  I’ve read more books and I’ve spent more time getting to know wonderful friends from church and the neighborhood.  I might even have time to start teaching voice lessons and put that Musical Theatre degree to use!

Needless to say, this job has been a really good thing for me. 

So, as is always the (cliche) story with my life - anyone’s life, really - years later I can look back at the things which, at the time, seemed like the end of the world and realize that they were truly for the best.  Sometimes I look back and feel lucky to have been lead to where I am.  Sometimes I look back and am proud of the decisions I made to get to this place.  Sometimes I laugh at the follies that landed me here.  No matter how I look back at it, I have zero regrets. 

I love my family.  I love my friends.  I love my home.  I love my job.  I LOVE my life.

I can’t wait to see what happens the next 2,214 days.

August 5th, 2010 by Kateastrophe

So I have a question for you married peeps.  Did you cry at your wedding?  Or even on your wedding day?

See, I didn’t.  I got a little blurry eyed when the sealer in the temple pronounced us married for time and all eternity but I didnt’ get any real tears because I was just so HAPPY!  Now, I’m not saying people who did/do cry aren’t/weren’t happy.  I was actually shocked that I didn’t cry because I’m a HUGE bawl baby.  I cry a lot.  At lots of different things.  So my expectation was that I would cry all the live long day.  But that day I didn’t.  It was almost like I physically couldn’t!

I remember my sister-in-law bursting into tears of joy when she and her husband were married.  I don’t remember if my sister cried but I don’t think so.  I have been to several other weddings but not a ton and I’m thinking it’s about 50/50 but I’m curious as to what you think. 

Anyway my point in asking this was . . . well there was really no point other than to introduce my topic which was that my little (HUGE) brother got married this last weekend!  I cried like a baby when she came down the aisle.  My sweet brother got all teared up too.  I’m sure everyone in the room did.  It was amazing and gorgeous and everything a wedding should be.  My youngest baby brother was missing which was rough.  He’s finishing up his Army training and we didn’t think he could come but then his commanding officer told him he could come and there was much rejoicing in the land until there wasn’t anymore.  The commanding officer of the commanding officer caught wind of it and said absolutely not.  We missed him a lot all day long.

There was some . . . interesting family dynamics taking place so there was some tension.  My parents are divorced.  Have been for 23 years.  Dad remarried about 14 years ago and we love our “other” Mom, Lisa.  But they are getting divorced now and the term “messy” doesn’t really adequately describe what’s going on here.  Also, Lisa has a new boyfriend and Dad isn’t so peachy-keen on that.  My Mom remarried about the time Matt and I got married and there’s been some weirdness there.  THEN the brides parents are divorced.  Her Dad has also been remarried for a long time but it seems that might not be working out either.  Do you see where I’m going with this?  Lots of people who used to be married but aren’t and lots of people who are married but might not want to be all in the same room for a family event where we all had to behave.  HIP HIP HOORAY!  Lucky for us we only had one “incident” and it was between the least likely parties - the “other” Mom and boyfriend.  Interesting and strange all at the same time.  And it didn’t really affect anything substantial so we all came out unscathed. 

The person who didn’t come out unscathed was one of the groomsmen.  Long story short, his ex-girlfriend showed up as a guest of an invited friend and that was no bueno.  He proceeded to drink himself stupid, have a fight with his NEW girlfriend and somehow found himself on the 15th floor of the Marriott pounding on every.single.door then passing out IN THE ELEVATOR but with his head OUTSIDE OF THE ELEVATOR while the door tried endlessly to shut.  We shall just call it a party in a box.  Security wasn’t so happy and neither was my just married brother with the threat of everybody being kicked out of the hotel if he didn’t handle the “situation.” 

Never a dull moment, right folks??

My only personal complaint for the whole day was that my hairstylist personage didn’t quite understand what I meant when I said I wanted a loose, sideswept bun type thing.  I ended up with a huge mass of curls shoved to one side.  It didn’t look bad it just wasn’t what I wanted and it took FOR-EV-ER.  Also, I don’t know what in the hell she did with hairspray and a curling iron but my hair might never recover.  My pride and joy, my once silky locks have turned into course, puffy . . . something that’s not my hair.  I’m using massive amounts of conditioner (which I never ever use) in an attempt to repair some of the damage.  We’ll see how it goes. 

Small pieces of drama aside, Sean and Kristin were married and happy and gorgeous like Ken and Barbie and we’re expecting Malibu Barbie babies at some point in the future.  I’m super excited to have Kristin in our family even though she is tiny and tan.  I look like a giant pale and tragic vampire next to her but what can you do?  She’s Polish (I think?) and I’m Irish (I know) and that’s just the way it is.  At least somebody in our family is likely to have tan babies.  Mine will for sure be iridescent. 

Wait a minute . . . how did I get from wedding to babies so fast?  I must totally be Mormon.  Weird.