August 14th, 2008 by Kateastrophe
From the moment I roared into this world, I was social. A talker. Interested. Engaged with those around me.
Stories of me as a toddler always include me becoming fast friends with the family next to us at dinner. Stories of me screaming “hello” to passing shopping carts and becoming very irritated if no response was given. Walking up to complete strangers and asking them about their respective private parts.
My Mom often tells one story about losing me in a mall for two hours when I was three years old. She was running through the mall, sobbing hysterically, sure I had been kidnapped. She eventually found me sitting on a bench, in a deep conversation with a woman in her forties. The woman felt awful as she explained to my Mom that she was so engaged in the conversation we were having, it never occurred to her that I had been separated from a parent. I WAS THREE.
Told you I was social.
I was never one to understand why anyone would be shy. Why people want to be reserved?? Quiet? Huh? I’ve struggled to understand these concepts my whole life. I always sort of thought shy people were . . . well, boring. I come from a completely Irish background. Loud, boisterous, stereotypical Irish. Quiet isn’t a word we understand. Reserved means that table is taken and you can’t sit there. My younger brother was publicly shy, in a way, but at home he was anything BUT. He was the clown, the one sitting at the dinner table pulling his cheeks as far off his teeth as possible and barking and mooning us from behind our Mom. His shy he grew out of it by about third grade so I’d never been around someone who was shy and quiet all the time. It was completely foreign to me
Enter my husband.
Shortly after we met, a friend of ours finagled a phone call between us, fibbing to both of us that the other asked for the phone call. Matt was the lucky one doing the calling. It was supposed to be a short phone call, inviting me to go on a trip with a group of people, but I turned it into an hour long conversation about everything from family to favorite movies. I hung up the phone excited to have a new friend. My girlfriend (the finagler) called me to report that Matt had simply said to her that I was “quite a talker.” I was insulted! I decided then and there that he didn’t like me and nothing would ever happen, so therefore I probably didn’t like him either.
Little did I know at the time that he was just shy and quiet. Pretty much all the time. And he’s not much of a “talker.” Obviously he’s not “shy” around me anymore, but he’s definitely quiet most of the time. Reserved. Cautious with his words. All things I personally have a hard time comprehending, but that I love about him.
Now I’m doing what I never thought possible. I’m learning from his example. Learning to be more reserved. To share less and listen more. To filter my thoughts. All qualities I never thought I needed or wanted but which I understand the value of more and more every day. I may not be doing a great job at it, but I can see it making a big difference in my life.
I think Matt is also learning from me. Learning to be LESS shy. To be more comfortable around people. It’s hard for me to see him so visibly uncomfortable in social situations. To wish that I could take all his anxiety away and help him relax and be himself around strangers. And I think he’s doing a bang up job. He’ll never be loud and boisterous like me, but he’s sure doing well at the whole “social” thing.
Through all of this, I’m learning ways to help others be less visibly uncomfortable in social situations. To be the kind of person that makes them more comfortable and relaxed. To give them the time to form their thoughts and share them with me. And it’s really nice. The people I always thought were boring are far from that. And I’m ashamed I ever thought that way.
I will never be shy or reserved or even remotely quiet, but as continue to I grow up, I’m finding a balance between my world and Matt’s. Between the loud and the quiet, the filtered and the open – and I’m finding that balance is good.