December 17th, 2011 by Kateastrophe
Matt was expressing his irritation at my getting flour all over his iPad the other day while I was using it to cook (happens a lot and it’s covered like Fort Knox so it’s not like I’m going to DO anything to it) and then he said something that for some reason struck me as Hi-larious.
“Shouldn’t we have won an extra iPad by now? I mean, COME ON. We haven’t won anything or had any great news in a long time. This year has been crappy with a capital S-H and I THINK WE DESERVE TO WIN AN IPAD.”
I just started laughing and couldn’t stop for about ten minutes. It was funny for so many reasons, the first being we haven’t entered to win an iPad so unless someone is delivering them door to door, it’s not happening. Second, we HAVE an iPad and I’m absolutely certain we don’t need two. I mean, I wouldn’t say NO to one but it’s not like I have this great urge to go out and drop the cash on a second one. Third, Matt having a burst of emotion such as that is just plain funny. I think, however, that I was laughing mostly out of 2011 exhaustion. It’s that slap happiness that hits you at 3 am at a sleepover and you know you’ve passed the point of no return and all you can do is laugh. That’s where I’m at with 2011. It’s the 3am of the year, two weeks left, and I can’t do anything but laugh until I pass out from exhaustion and wake up in 2012.
I remember so vividly writing this post on the eve of my 30th birthday last year. I was so very certain that 2011 was going to be the greatest year ever. And frankly, it started off that way. I got a new job, I spent an amazing few days with awesome friends in Disneyworld, I found out we were pregnant again and carried that little baby past 12 weeks and into what seemed like the safe zone…then around April everything just sort of fell apart. The baby didn’t make it, the new job wasn’t all it was cracked up to be, I was a huge ball of stress and I had a good three months of invasive poking and prodding only to find out there wasn’t much wrong and we had no idea why my babies weren’t making it. Then, in September it all sort of culminated in the official loss of my job, still not being pregnant and having a lot of spare anger and emotions to top it all off. We are all very lucky I had proactively started on anti-depressants in April because BOY HOWDY was September rough. Now, complete in fairness to 2011, the last three months haven’t been bad at all with two trips home to Utah, a wonderful Thanksgiving with my brothers and sister and a contract job that seems to be working out really well. So all things told, five months of the year were the crappiest in memory, three months were not so bad and three were some of the best of my life. It’s been a roller coaster for sure.
As always, the love and support I’ve had through all of this has been greater than I could ever explain. In general, people have been SO kind and SO understanding. There have been the random letters and statements telling me to “suck it up” but I think the people saying those things really hadn’t taken the time to hear and understand the entire story, and I know they were just trying - in their weird way - to be helpful. I try not to hold it against anyone just as I hope that they won’t hold my recent strange behavior and attitude issues against me. As I said, almost everyone has been fantastic. Supportive, thoughtful, kind and willing to be there for me in whatever way I need. I am so unbelievably grateful to have the friends and family I do and I wish that I could do more for them.
I’m still not quite to that point that people claim you get to where you can look back on your troubles and say you were grateful for what you learned. I still struggle every day with trying to figure out how to be OK with some of the things that happened. I’m struggling with finding happiness for others who have the things I’ve been denied. I’m struggling with some feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy due to the job failure. I’m struggling to find peace with the things that happened and move on. In some cases the painful things were absolutely no fault of my own and in others, there are lots of things I need to think on to determine what I may have done to contribute and make sure I prevent that behavior in the future. It’s a daily battle but I’m working so hard and I really think I’m almost there.
I’m looking forward to turning the page on this year. I’m counting on a fantastic 2012, whatever it brings. That might mean a baby, a new job, a promotion for Matt, a new house, a big vacation (Australia, anyone?!?!) or just a happier outlook. At the very least I’m aiming for that last one. I’m going to be happy in 2012…even if it means upping my medication dose. Ha! Just kidding. Maybe.