May 9th, 2011 by Kateastrophe
I’m not going to beat around the bush here. Mother’s Day when you’re supposed to have either a three month old, be three weeks from your due date or be four months pregnant but you’re none of those three things sucks a big old pile of crap. Let’s just say I’ve cried a lot the last few days.
I think maybe the hardest part is that I AM a mother, I just don’t have proof for the world to see. I don’t have pictures of a newborn adorning my desktop and Facebook profile and I don’t have videos of the first smile or bath or haircut. I have six months of being exhausted, six more of being hormonally imbalanced and three sets of ultrasound pictures of the babies that were mine and Matt’s for only a short while. Wanna see?
We have Alien v1.o who was with us for 10 weeks.
We have Alien v2.0 who was a little Houdini and didn’t show up then did and then left us two days later at 7.5 weeks.
Finally we have our little fighter, Version 3.0 who stuck with us the longest at 14.5 weeks and even gave us a wave during the ultrasound (second picture). It was nice to finally see human-esque parts even if they were still a little more like a strange amphibian than a human but we thought it was cute.
Someday we’ll have a living, breathing part of us walking around, it just seems that someday is a little (a lot) further out than we expected. We have an excellent doctor and as of today, we have a plan for figuring out what’s going on. We have the world’s best insurance that will 100% cover ANY treatment we may need to get our little offspring here. We have supportive friends and family who make it known every day that we are loved and thought about and prayed for.
All of those things are awesome but it doesn’t mean this doesn’t hurt like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. Mother’s Day might be hard next year, too. And I suppose it’s possible that it might be hard for the rest of my life, as may the due dates of these babies. I’m working through it, struggling some days, excelling others. Life goes on. People are announcing pregnancies and having babies and I’m watching the world turn around me and trying to keep up. Today it didn’t feel like I was succeeding but then I got a mani/pedi and my husband made dinner and I remembered there are lots and lots of reasons to smile. So I did.