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Walking Kateastrophe » Blog Archive » (Un)Happy (Un)Mother's Day

(Un)Happy (Un)Mother’s Day

May 9th, 2011 by Kateastrophe

I’m not going to beat around the bush here.  Mother’s Day when you’re supposed to have either a three month old, be three weeks from your due date or be four months pregnant but you’re none of those three things sucks a big old pile of crap.  Let’s just say I’ve cried a lot the last few days.

I think maybe the hardest part is that I AM a mother, I just don’t have proof for the world to see.  I don’t have pictures of a newborn adorning my desktop and Facebook profile and I don’t have videos of the first smile or bath or haircut.  I have six months of being exhausted, six more of being hormonally imbalanced and three sets of ultrasound pictures of the babies that were mine and Matt’s for only a short while.  Wanna see?

We have Alien v1.o who was with us for 10 weeks.

We have Alien v2.0 who was a little Houdini and didn’t show up then did and then left us two days later at 7.5 weeks.

Finally we have our little fighter, Version 3.0 who stuck with us the longest at 14.5 weeks and even gave us a wave during the ultrasound (second picture).   It was nice to finally see human-esque parts even if they were still a little more like a strange amphibian than a human but we thought it was cute.

Someday we’ll have a living, breathing part of us walking around, it just seems that someday is a little (a lot) further out than we expected.  We have an excellent doctor and as of today, we have a plan for figuring out what’s going on.  We have the world’s best insurance that will 100% cover ANY treatment we may need to get our little offspring here.   We have supportive friends and family who make it known every day that we are loved and thought about and prayed for.

All of those things are awesome but it doesn’t mean this doesn’t hurt like nothing I’ve ever experienced before.   Mother’s Day might be hard next year, too.  And I suppose it’s possible that it might be hard for the rest of my life, as may the due dates of  these babies.  I’m working through it, struggling some days, excelling others.  Life goes on.  People are announcing pregnancies and having babies and I’m watching the world turn around me and trying to keep up.  Today it didn’t feel like I was succeeding but then I got a mani/pedi and my husband made dinner and I remembered there are lots and lots of reasons to smile.  So I did.

6 Responses to “(Un)Happy (Un)Mother’s Day”

  1. B Says:

    I love you and I love your babies!!

  2. katelin Says:

    aw kate i know i don’t have the right words, if any, to make you feel better but i’m always keeping you in my thoughts and sending lots of love and hugs your way all the time.

  3. glenda Says:

    Sweety It will happen you will be a Mom…hang on

  4. Angela Noelle Says:

    I’m so glad for you that you’ve got such amazing insurance and an awesome doctor. My heart hurts for you. You are absolutely a mother, and I hope no one ever makes you feel that your babies “don’t count”. In fact, if they do, you tell me who they are and I’ll punch them in the nose! *Hugs*

  5. VirtualSprite Says:

    It’s so hard when you’re struggling to get pregnant and other people are announcing their pregnancies like they’re nothing. I’ve been there. I cried every time.

    Your babies definitely count.

  6. Kerilyn Jensen Says:

    My friend gave me a Keepsake box to keep all of my ultrasound pictures and other keepsakes in and I loved it. It was a physical reminder of the babies and the time I had with them. I also recommend jewelery! Matt might not agree, but I do. Sometimes it is nice to have something to hold in your empty hands. I have a necklace with a tiny gold ring for each little one we have lost.

    Hang in there! Lots of Love from Texas

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