April 28th, 2011 by Kateastrophe

Just a quick update so you guys don’t think I’ve jumped off a cliff or something…

I’m doing really well, all things considered.

This miscarriage was hard, and will probably continue to be so but I’m finding some small bits of silver lining.  My maternity benefits increase substantially after a full year on the job.  I get six weeks 100% paid leave, FMLA leave AND short-term disability.  Also, the VP over our department just announced she is expecting around the same time I would have been and another girl on my small three person team is getting married the same week.  Had all of us been out at the same time I sort of can’t imagine what would have happened.  Now I just have to get up to speed by October and ready to take over some extra work.  I was DREADING being in my third trimester during the hottest months of the Phoenix summer so it’s nice that I can try to avoid that.

The recovery from my D&E has been a total breeze.  I was tired for a few days but back at work the next Monday.  I got a recommendation for one of the best fertility specialists in the state and I have my first consultation a week from Monday.  He won’t start testing right away but  at least we can get a plan of action together to figure out what is going on and how to fix it.  I’m an action person and I’m really anxious to have a plan and a list of things I need to do in order to try to find out what’s causing these issues.  Even if it’s not great news, at least then I’ll KNOW and be able to process my options with all the information in place.

Work has been a big factor in keeping my mind off of things.  I’m getting busier every day and I love not having time to sit and think about what’s going on with me.  I have things like average order size to increase so I can increase my quarterly bonus.  It’s a great incentive to not wallow.

I’ve also started on an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication.  You guys, it’s awesome.  I know that there’s still a stigma around mood elevating medication but within 24 hours I had stopped crying on my 30 minute commute to and from work, at lunch and anytime I was alone.  I am sleeping well,  my appetite has stayed decent, my energy is up and I feel like my coping skills have improved significantly.  I asked for the medication because I know I suffered from some postpartum depression after the last miscarriage and I wanted to avoid that crash when it inevitably happens in a month or so.  I did not expect to feel so much better so quickly and I’m so grateful that I am.  I still feel sadness and loss and all the things that I should be feeling but they aren’t dragging me down with them.  I can process them and move past the waves of sadness without feeling like I’m drowning or trapped.  I don’t want to sound like a pill-pusher but I am truly a believer in recognizing when your body knows it’s not doing OK and doing what you need to do to get back to good.   This time I knew that was help in the form of meds.

My other form of help comes from my wonderful girlfriends.  They have truly saved me.  I can’t even begin to list the kindnesses that have taken place over the last week and a half.  I’m so so so so so lucky to have such wonderful friends all over the world.  I’ve received visits, flowers, cards and emails from friends in Virginia, Rhode Island, Canada, Australia, Pennsylvania, Texas, California, Nevada, Utah and probably ten other places I can think of  and of course here in Phoenix.  One of my oldest friends called right after she woke up with a start one morning to tell me that she felt she needed to make sure I knew that I had a circle of women with me every step of this process, supporting me, suffering with me and pulling me through my darkest moments - even if they couldn’t be there in person, their prayers, light and spirits were with me.  I believe this with all my heart.   I have been blessed with the most wonderful friends in the world and I just want every single one of you to know how much I appreciate you.

My family has again been so wonderful through all of this.  My sister was once again with me every second, making sure I had everything I needed…including bowls of Easter candy waiting out for me when I got back from the clinic.  My mom, dad, brothers, stepmother and grandparents have all been checking on my daily, all with with offers to drop everything to come to my side if needed.  And of course my husband…he is my rock solid foundation and I know with him by my side I can get through anything.

Despite feeling like life kicked me in the gut again, I know that I’m one of the luckiest girls alive because of the people that surround me and love me in spite of my huge list of flaws.  I don’t ever have to worry about falling because I have so many wonderful people willing to hold me up and carry me if necessary to help keep me upright.  I cannot thank the Lord enough for sending all of you (and many not reading) into my life.  I cannot feel sorry for myself when I have such a blessed life.  Thank you for being part of it.

April 17th, 2011 by Kateastrophe

In case anyone is interested, all the gory details of my D&E are over on Growing Kateastrophe.  It’s not pretty and I don’t hold back so if you don’t want the whole story, I wouldn’t click.

You’ve been warned.

April 14th, 2011 by Kateastrophe

So I had this big surprise post all ready to unveil to the world on Tuesday.  It was written and everything, it was just missing one word.

Boy or Girl.

Unfortunately, I’ll never be able to fill in that word because once again, for the third time in a row, we lost our baby.  I’d made it so much further this time.  I was 14.5 weeks today.  We had a ten week ultrasound and that baby was hopping around and practically doing flips.  I got to twelve weeks and realized we were pretty much out of the woods and I wanted to shout it from the rooftops but I knew at our next appointment we’d most likely find out what we were having so I wanted to wait.   And then yesterday the gush of blood came yet again.  I kept hoping that it was just one of those weird things that happens where I would just bleed a lot and the baby would be fine but my luck with pregnancy does not seem to be taking a turn for the better.  Our baby stopped growing a week ago and, to add icing to this deliciously sucky cake, it’s too big for a traditional miscarriage or D&C.  I’m getting the choice between admitting myself to the hospital and inducing labor or getting a D&E (do yourselves a favor and don’t look it up) which is the surgical option for a second trimester miscarriage.  It’s like someone just offered to let me shoot myself in the face or break my own femur.  Both totally suck.  We think we’re going to go with the D&E because the thought of having to essentially give birth to my dead child is probably the hardest thing I can imagine ever having to do.  The D&E is fairly barbaric sounding but it’s over quickly and it’s common for miscarriages this late and there are studies that show that it has less complications than inducing labor.

It’s ironic because just two days ago a friend posted on her blog that she had a miscarriage and I shared my experience of losing two and said it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but not to worry, it gets better.  I seem to be eating my words.  That day it was better because for all I knew I had a healthy baby inside of me and was planning which stroller and crib I wanted and getting excited to decorate the nursery in the coming months.  Today it feels like the whole world has imploded on me and I’m once again hollow and broken and devoid of the power of womanhood.  I realize those things are not actually true but I cannot explain the feelings of inadequacy and failure that are hitting me like bricks.  Something in me is killing these babies.  Something in me is wrong and will never be right.

Now that I’ve had the “required” three miscarriages, the barrage of infertility tests start.  Now I will be poked and prodded and hopefully we will find a solution but right now the thought of trying this again and the possibility of going through this again is more than I can bear.  I want to say I’m throwing in the towel and adopting a Chinese baby but I’m pretty sure that will change in a few months.

I’m struggling to stay positive with these things because all around me I see people who are doing it “wrong” when we, at least on paper, did things so “right.”  Now, I get that my right and someone else’s right are SO not the same thing and I understand that each person decides what is right for themselves.  But allow me to wax judgemental for just a second.  I knew a couple who pretty much had nothing.  They could barely afford rent on a tiny 350 square foot apartment in a town where rent is not notoriously expensive.  She was working, barely making minimum wage and he  was up to his eyeballs in school debt and trying to finish his degree racking up even more of it when they got pregnant.  Upon finding out they were expecting she immediately quit her job and he quit school and started working for minimum wage and they relied of welfare and the charity of others to pay for everything they needed.  Now that their baby is born they are still relying on welfare and charity and not even close to making ends meet.  They have a happy, healthy baby and I agree that is never “wrong” because having a baby and raising a family is a wonderful thing to do, and being well off financially isn’t the only way to do it, but in my opinion it certainly isn’t a smart way to go about it.  There is a list of people having babies who maybe shouldn’t be just yet or those who might not deserve them and it’s a mile long.  I know it sounds horrible but I’m mad at all of them.  And I get it.  It’s not my call to make.  It’s not my family, not my uterus, not my money and obviously not my charity because I’ve very openly run the hell out of that, in case you couldn’t tell.  I guess I just want to be mad at someone right now and that group seems to be the easiest target right now.

So there’s the third most depressing post I’ve ever written.  I’m going to be fine, I know I am, I just hate waiting around for that to happen.  Tomorrow, instead of going to Vegas to celebrate a friend’s birthday I’m going to be mourning the loss of another baby that I will never hold.  So those of you who have babies, hold them a little closer for me and maybe send some happy thoughts our way.  We could really use them right now.

April 5th, 2011 by Kateastrophe

A few weeks ago when Matt and his friends decided to do a semi-spontaneous (for them) trip to Vegas to watch our college team, the BYU Cougars - and don’t forget about Jimmer - play in the Mountain West Conference Tournament.  I was thrilled to get out of town and spend the weekend in a fancy pants hotel despite not being a huge fan of Vegas as a vacation spot.  That whole Mormon thing just takes some of the lustre out of gambling, drinking and smoking at will.  Call me crazy.  I do, however, love the restaurants, the shopping and the shows.  So I suppose I have a 50/50 love/indifference relationship with Vegas.

We stayed at the Aria for the second time in a year.  We love it.  It’s new, it’s clean, it’s posh and it’s not eight million dollars like the Cosmopolitan (which was actually my first choice.  Boo $400 a night).   We ate at some of my personal favorites - Max Brenner and Serendipity.  We attempted my favorite breakfast at Hash House A-Go-Go but the hour and a half wait was more than our starving selves could handle.  We tried STK at Cosmo which had amazing food, but was SO LOUD.  And apparently making a reservation means they’ll sit you at some point within half an hour of your arrival.  What the what?  If the food hadn’t been so good I would give it two big thumbs down but it’s sort of an in-betweener for me.  Maybe better on a week night when they aren’t trying to make it a club AND a restaurant?  The hotel was amazing though and is absolutely worth just hanging out in for a few hours.  Someday when they lower their rates to less than my mortgage I’ll stay there.

Unfortunately, I missed the really great game where BYU beat New Mexico for the first time this year and Jimmer (if you don’t know who he is, please do yourself a favor and go find some of his highlights.  I’m close to being talked into naming our first child after him - boy OR girl - I love him that much) scored a career high 52 points.  The new job prevented me from taking a day off so I had to fly out that night.  The second game - the championship - was rough.  San Diego State handed out a butt-kicking to the Cougs.  Also?  San Diego State fans are officially my least favorite humans.  It’s rare that people offend me and get under my skin and this crowd was really able to do that.  Insulting my religion and things that are sacred and special to me at a college basketball game with the kind of disrespect and language that they were using is just crossing the line.  I’m all for a good Mormon joke and poking fun at people’s quirks but this was OUT OF CONTROL.  Needless to say that walking away from that with a loss was painful but what can you do?

Oh and we shopped.  I have a new best shopping friend in Matt’s friend’s wife Courtney.  We made out like bandits at Coach, Kate Spade, Banana Republic and a bunch of other stores at the big outlet mall north of town.  Courtney actually did much better than I did but we both walked away with some treasures and matching necklaces we accidentally both wore the next morning.

We had a great time and I think maybe we should make it an annual tradition.  I loved getting to know Matt’s friends and their wives better and spending time with my husband away from our busy lives and responsibilities is always a bonus.  We SUCKED at taking pictures on this trip but managed to get one halfway decent one on our last night out.  It’s only halfway decent because my fat head managed to block out half of Matt’s face but he’s almost really smiling which is rare in pictures and he’s a total babe.  Rawr.  Also, I was wearing sequins. Because it’s Vegas and I could.

 After this trip I decide Matt and I just don’t travel enough, especially considering the relative lack of ties we have to home on the weekends.  There are a multitude of reasons for this and some (many) will even say that I’m lying and we travel more than most people, but I would disagree.  Our Europe trip has been put on hold AGAIN thanks to the new job.  Many of the weekends we’d use to travel end up spent catching up on our much needed and much missed sleep.  Plus I think my idea of travel includes a plane and exotic places I’ve either never seen before or am dying to see again.  The places we can go on our short weekends are limited and, let’s be honest, sort of lame when compared with places like Venice, Paris, London and the other cities I dream of spending all my time in so rather than trucking to Tucson (which we did once.  Snoozer.) we sort of just stay home and try to save up time, energy and fundage for big trips.  But I’m going to try to forget about that and be a little more adventerous and find places to go on little weekend excursions.

I started this weekend.  I requested a Jeep ride without a destination.  If you know me, you’ll know my least favorite thing to do is drive around aimlessly with no goal, no idea where my next meal is going to come from and the possibility of needing a bathroom and not having one.  I threw caution to the wind (literally - you should have seen my Jeep hair) and we drove around the outskirts of Phoenix for almost four hours, listening to music, talking, laughing and just having a blast.  It was awesome and now I’m praying the heat spell we had last week was a fluke and we have at least a couple more months of awesome weather so we can do it again.  I’m hoping for a trip to California in the near future and I’m trying to come up with somewhere new and different that’s within driving distance.  Maybe New Mexico?  Maybe I can pretend it won’t make me crazy and set off without a specific destination and we’ll just find a place to stay?  I may not be that brave yet but we’ll see…

Eventually, so help me, we will get to Europe and have the vacation of a lifetime (scratch that, MANY of them)but until then, here’s hoping for some amazing adventures a little closer to home!