October 29th, 2010 by Kateastrophe

At some point in time I’m hoping my life will get back to normal.  Right now the things that are happening to my body are squashing the normal, happy, energetic person that I am and replacing her with a grumpy, tired, emotional version of myself.  The very little thread of patience I usually have is gone and I snap without warning, usually at people who don’t deserve my bad attitude. 

Let’s just say I’m not exactly pleasant to be around.

I am not a person who hides my emotions.  I feel very strongly that pretending an emotion doesn’t exist just magnifies it inside and eventually it turns into a monster emotion that takes over your life.  If I feel a certain way, I tell you.  I’m that person you casually say “hey, how’s it going?” to, just to be nice, and I respond with “crappy.  How are you?” which in turn causes you to be confused and unsure of what to say.  I’m ok with that and I’m sorry about making people confused and probably slightly uncomfortable but I’m just not good and smiling through my teeth and saying “fine!”  I just don’t think it’s in my DNA.

The anger I’ve been experiencing with this second miscarriage is hard to describe and it’s been magnified by the length of time it’s taking my body to do what it’s supposed to do.  I’ve been dealing with it for fourteen days.  That’s more than half the time I was even aware that I was pregnant.  I am grateful that my body knows what to do in this situation but if I’m being honest, it just sort of feels like nature kicking me when I’m down.  I know there are medical procedures to speed this process along but I’m all about avoiding invasive surgery when my body knows what to do.  Plus, I’m not really in the mood to fork out the $3000 deductible to pay for the procedure anyway.  Especially right before Christmas.  And that trip to Europe I’m going on this spring.

While I am well aware that this is not a lot like losing someone close to me, I can’t help but compare people’s random reactions to those I experienced after the death of my Stepfather almost six years ago.  I know people think they’re being kind or helpful or whatever, but it’s such a strange thing to be the recipient of random, off the wall statements that don’t help and really just add to my general state of pissed-offedness.  This hasn’t happened a lot but it’s amazing how the two or three people that say something stupid seem to stick with you more than all the kind wonderful things people say and do.

That being said, I should really focus on those because for every random weird comment I’ve had eight thousand amazing, kind words or gestures.  I had a friend and her four beautiful kids come over with an astouding amount of treats and food and then they sang and danced to Taylor Swift in my living room.  Another friend brought cookies and homemade pictures from her kids that were SO cute and so sweet.  Friends have sent flowers and cards and called every day just to check on me.  My mother-in-law has kept my house clean for me when I can’t or don’t feel like doing anything but laying on the couch.  My husband has once again proven that he is the world’s most amazing man and reinstated for the eight millionth time that I don’t deserve him.  I really am a very lucky, very loved girl.

I know that my trials are mine because they are hard for me.  I know just because someone might have it worse doesn’t mean that this doesn’t suck and I’m allowed to be really hurt, angry, upset or whatever else about it.  I’m still very grateful for my life.  I’ve had near perfection for the last six years of my life.  I really do lead a charmed life and it could be SO MUCH WORSE, so I am, in at least a small way, thankful that this is as hard as it’s been for a long time.  It hurts, but this I can handle. THIS I can do.  I’ve said a million times that I wouldn’t trade any of my life experiences because of the things I’ve learned and the ways I’ve grown and the person who has come out the other side.  I know this experience is the same and someday I will look back with an understanding of why this happened and I will (hopefully) be grateful for the lessons I learned.

I’m just crossing all my fingers and toes that the gratefully looking back at the lessons learned happens soon because this grumpy version of me is a total downer.

October 19th, 2010 by Kateastrophe

Sometimes it gives you papercuts then squeezes the lemon juice onto the cuts then takes a step back and throws the lemons in your face while it laughs hysterically at your pain.

And that’s the kind of month I’m having.

We lost another baby this weekend.  I wasn’t as far along this time but it had been a very emotional, stressful couple of weeks with the little bean and the ups and downs have ended in a big fat down.

I wrote about it again over at Growing Kateastrophe.  I figure my life is already an open book, I might as well keep sharing.

Last time I was sad.  This time I’m just really, incredibly pissed off.

October 6th, 2010 by Kateastrophe

I have no idea where this year has gone.  Tomorrow will be my one year anniversary at the new job.  I still feel like the new kid on the block.  YIKES!

We just got back from our annual trip with Matt’s family at the Pink Coral Sand Dunes in Utah and had a blast as per usual.  I didn’t fall this year (first time EVER!) but I was also a giant weiner so that would help explain that.  Also, his parents got a Rzr and a Rhino (think ATV with a roll cage and car like features such as a steering wheel, gas pedal, etc.) and those are more fun anyway.

We had a hell of a storm yesterday and there was hail the size of golf balls in PHOENIX.  Our neighborhood didn’t get hit too hard but some people got thrashed.  Lots of flooding and other catastrophes ensued and the whole city freaked out.  Annnnnnd it’s supposed to happen again today.

There’s some craziness brewing in my life.  I’m not working out as much because I’m teaching voice lessons three days a week, which I love.  I do not love the 13 pounds I’ve gained but I’m pointing the finger for that one at my post-miscarriage hormones.  Hopefully I can work this off more easily than other weight I’ve gained.  Probably not.  Stupid.  I guess it’s back to the gym for me!

Anyhooters, there’s my lame update.  Later, sports!