April 29th, 2010 by Kateastrophe

Getting old sucks. 

 I realize this isn’t news to anyone and isn’t any sort of original thought but it’s been on my mind so I’m just going to talk about it.

I was at a birthday party a few weeks ago and they had a photographer there offering to take pictures of anyone who wanted them.  I happened to have done some awesome smokey eye make-up (if I do say so myself) and my hair looked AH-mA-Zing so I hopped right on the picture train.  Apparently this photographer had a lens with alien technology HD because when I got the pictures back they showed EVERYTHING on my face.  And for the first time, I saw fine lines appearing around my eyes.  Not the laugh lines, which I think are sexy because they show happiness, oh no.  These were the little fine lines under my eyes that aren’t sexy in any way shape or form.  As I was looking at the pictures and figuring out how to airbrush them myself, it hit me that I’m almost thirty and this is where it starts to go downhill fast.  Starting with the eye wrinkles.

And here’s the thing.  My skin?  Is pretty freaking awesome.  The advantage of being born see through is that I’ve always worn sunscreen.  Except that one summer where I tried my damndest to get a tan.  I was tan for ME but it wasn’t a real tan and I still looked like the cream filling in an Oreo if I stood next to my girlfriends.  WHO by the way would run up to me at random moments and shout “MAKE ME FEEL TAN!” and lift up their shirts to compare their golden tanned abs to my pasty white ones.  That’s how “tan” I got.  SO I gave up forever and now I’ve upped my sunscreen from 25 to 850,000 spf.  With zinc.  ANYWAY, what all of this means is that, apart from my freckly arms, I don’t have much sun damage anywhere.  I think I thought that this would mean I’d NEVER EVER get a wrinkle.  (Insert everyone’s hysterical laughter here.)  Reality you are a cruel, cruel friend.

The other thing?  I haven’t had kids yet.  And that means my first kid will absolutely 100% for sure be born after I’m thirty and the more I talk to my friends with kids, the more I hear that body recovery post-baby is harder after thirty.  Shoot me now.  Can’t wait to start.

And ANOTHER thing.  I never believed anyone about the whole “metabolism slowing down” bull.  I was always bigger.  I’ve never been a tiny girl.  I was 104 lbs in 5th grade.  I remember some girl coming out of our weigh in crying because she was 80 lbs.  And the boys didn’t even weigh 100 lbs!   I came out of that weigh in wondering if I sat on any of those tiny kids I could suffocate them with my hugeness.  I also started wondering if I should be playing football or doing something to take advantage of my bulk.  Naturally, I just stayed bigger.  I wanted to punch the girls in college who complained about being unable to maintain their 112 lbs.  Me skinny?  Is like 152.  And I ate like a trucker.  Cut to getting married at 24 and working my first real desk job where food was in front of me all.the.time.  Right about that same time, my metabolism hit the brakes.  Hello, 30 extra pounds!  I hate my life.

Anyway, I’m rambling (I bet you’re all SO SHOCKED).  I should have just left this post at the first sentence.  Getting old sucks.  And now, my big butt, my wrinkles and my dreading-having-a-baby-someday-body bid you adieu.