July 11th, 2009 by Kateastrophe

Ah the evolution of technology.

I remember finally convincing my Mom that I NEEDED a pager.  I needed it so SHE could keep track of me and get a hold of me and get me to come home. 

Yeah right.  I really needed it so my friends could page me when something fun was going on or text me secret messages like “143″ and “43770″ and other such SUPER IMPORTANT THINGS.  I mean, hello!  In high school we really had such important things to say.

My pager was awesome.  It was see-through purple plastic and, as we all did, I kept it tucked into the front pocket of my jeans, clip on the outside.  It vibrated.  

Then we eventually evolved to cell phones.  My life long best friend Sheila and I got our first cell phone together when we were sophomores in college because we were working for CollegeClub.com and needed it for work.  Uh, yeah, that job lasted like a whole five minutes.  Eventually the cell phone was willed to me when B (as she was better known to me) got engaged and moved on to bigger, better things.  (Hi, Andrew!!)

Oh how great my little pink phone was.  I loved that my friends could get a hold of me whenever and I never missed out on anything good.  The bill was a little annoying but I was making $4.75 an hour at “The new location of Christensen Dodge Chrysler Jeep” and I could afford it.

Now, of course, we’re past actually speaking to one another and on to texting.

I remember when texting was introduced.  I didn’t jump on that bandwagon for a long time because HELLO, it cost EXTRA.  I’m still not a HUGE texter . . . I mean I text and all, but I don’t have four hour conversations via text message.  I try to keep it short and sweet.  Partly because I’d rather just talk on the phone but on the other hand . . . texting and I have a love/hate relationship, but it’s mostly hate.  Let me ’splain.  It’s my entire purpose for this ridiculous post.  Stay with me.  I think you’ll think it’s worth it.

I HATE.  HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE ohmygosh HATE IT when people text in movies.  I feel like grabbing their phones and chucking them as far away from their stupid little texting fingers as I can.  I mean really?  REALLY?  For two hours you can’t shut the damn thing off?  I have total movie ADD and if anything distracts me or, oh I don’t know GLOWS from anywhere in the dark, dark theatre, BAM my eyes move there and I’ve totally lost track of the movie.    I always somehow manage to sit next to the texters.  Last weekend I went to a movie with my girlfriend JoAnne and the two guys next to us texted the whole time and, at at least two points in the movie, they answered their phones.  SERIOUSLY?  I really think people should be kicked out of movies for that.  Sadly, I’m too afraid to miss something in the movie to get up and actually DO something about it.  But I think about it often and one of these days one of those guys will get booted because of me.  One day.

Just a side note, pertaining to my movie ADD, last week when I saw Transformers 2, the cute little six year old next to me had a Transformers t-shirt that lit up EVERY TIME HE TOOK A BREATH.  I don’t think I saw a second of the movie because I was so mesmerized by the red lights of death.  I’ve had similar problems with those light-up shoes.  Those things should be outlawed.  Along with light-up-when-you-breathe t-shirts.

Another reason I love/hate texting is because of how distracted people (including me) get.  I have walked into people, walls and poles.  (PS - I have stopped texting while walking.) Without fail, every time I go to the mall, some tween in her skin tight skinny jeans will come to a screeching halt right in front of me, in the middle of the hallway because ohmagoshigotatext!  I never have the required amount of time to stop and there is always a collision.  It’s like we need a texting lawbook.  “If you are texting in a crowded area or in the middle of a thoroughfare, you must slowly veer to the side of said thoroughfare and stop to complete your texting transaction.”  Or maybe I should put it into text speak for you.  “Muv ovr.  Ur n teh way.  4 rls”  I mean, someone could get hurt! 

Wait, what’s that you say?  It’s already happened?  Surely you jest!

Surely I do not.  A teenage girl in New York fell down a manhole into four inches of raw sewage because she was texting and didn’t see the wide open hole.  Check it out for yourself.  My favorite part?  (Besides the fact that she FELL INTO FOUR INCHES OF CRAP) is that her mother is mad at the city.  I tell you what, if my kid falls into a manhole full of crap because she’s NOT WATCHING WHERE SHE’S GOING, I’m going to OMGLMAOBBQROFLPIP.*  And then I’m going to take pictures for her scrapbook.

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Translations for those of us who don’t speak “Text”

*Oh my gosh you’ve got to be kidding

**Yah, I’m not really even sure what this means.  Something about a barbecue rolling around on the floor peeing in my pants?