June 22nd, 2009 by Kateastrophe

I used to think travelling for business was so glamorous. The fancy hotels, the decadent meals, seeing new and exciting places . . . it all sounds so amazingly fun.

I learned very quickly that fun it’s not. What it’s more like is regular work times fifty. And on top of that, you don’t think about a whole world of negatives when you originally think of going on a fancy business trip. Below is a list of my negatives just from this last week.

• Sleep Schedule Issues
  • When you live on Pacific Time and then you head to the East Coast where your trade show starts at 7 AM, that means your alarm must go off at the inhumane hour of 3 AM in your brain.
  • Waking up every ten minutes in a panic that you slept through the opening of the conference
  • You’re Mormon and therefore don’t drink coffee
  • You quit Diet Coke
  • Let’s just say you’ll never feel awake again
  • You come home and wake up on East Coast time. Hello, 5:30 AM. It’s so nice to see you after three hours of sleep. No, really!
• Travel Diet
  • While it really SOUNDS awesome to eat at fancy restaurants every night, the caloric intake of a single bowl of Lobster Mac & Cheese will ASTOUND you
  • It will also astound your thighs
  • I feel fat. Like, a lot fat
  • How can you possibly choose salad when they’re serving homemade GNOCCI??
  • I have zero self control
  • I also love pasta
• Hotel Gyms
  • Um, EW?
  • Too many people vying for the 10 lb dumbbells
  • Inept knowledge of weight lifting terms, causing you to consult your stick figure people to do your workout
  • Other people at the gym make fun of you for said stick figures
• Your husband hates to talk on the phone
  • This causes your conversations with Mr. Prince Charming to go something like this: (for an ENTIRE WEEK)
    • “Hey! How was your day?”
    • “Same”
    • “Anything exciting happen?”
    • “Nope, same old thing.”
    • “Um, eat anything good for lunch?”
    • “Nope same old thing.”
    • “WHY ARE WE EVEN TALKING ON THE PHONE???”
• No washer and dryer
  • Stinky suitcase clothes. Enough said.
• Hotel “Issues”
  • Say, like . . . what are you supposed to do when the plug in the bathroom just doesn’t work and you have ten minutes to blow dry your hair?? It’s not like you can go use another bathroom! You’re TOTALLY SCREWED!
  • Four dollars for a bottle of water? SERIOUSLY?
  • No cell phone coverage in your room
  • Sketchy internet. Not good when you’re paying $15 a day for it now, is it?
  • $4000 for gooey oatmeal breakfast. Even though it’s not your dime, it’s still painful
• Eating alone (which is a perfect introduction into my next thing . . . )
• Travelling Business Men
  • SERIOUSLY? You can’t tell I’m married?? This twelve millimeter band set on my hand with sparkly diamonds doesn’t give you a tiny hint??
  • If you call me a tall drink of water one more time I’m gonna throw MY tall drink of water on your stinking face
  • No I do NOT want a ride to my hotel
  • No I will NOT tell you what hotel I’m staying in
  • No I will NOT drive you to YOUR hotel
  • I think I will start using Regina Felangie as my eating-out-alone-business-name. And I shall always say I’m staying at the Ritz
• Flying
  • OH MY GOSH I hate flying more than once a week.
  • Sometimes your 45 plane flight is delayed five hours. You could have rented a car and driven to your destination in significantly less time. And in more comfortable seats
  • Sometimes you’re surrounded by “The Crazy Family.” This family, returning from a cruise, apparently has restless leg syndrome and cannot sit down EVER. During a FOUR HOUR FLIGHT.
  • Mrs. Crazy? Yeah she’s doing calf raises and yoga stretches in the aisle with her butt in your face.
  • Mr. Crazy? He’s supplying Mrs. Crazy with endless amounts of alcohol.
  • Baby Crazy? She’s chewing on the straps of your Coach bag and her Mom, Daughter Crazy, things you can’t hear her through your headphones when she says “Aw look! She likes Coach! Good thing leather is waterproof.” UM, WHAT???
  • Son Crazy is sharing a funny part of a movie with his whole family . . . over the aisle and over your head
  • Son-in-Law Crazy is unaware of his appendages and during the flight kicks you twice, elbows you once in the face and twice in the head and then literally knocks you over with his backback when he stands up to leave the flight.
  • Baby Crazy is being passed back and forth like a ping pong ball during landing. HELLO??? HOLD ON TO YOUR KID OR SHE MIGHT GO FLYING!
  • Tween Crazy will NOT SHUT UP ABOUT THE JONAS BROTHERS.
  • Your noise cancelling headphones and the blanket over your head do absolutely nothing to help you ignore them.
  • Russian Man next to you isn’t wearing deodorant and insists on stretching his arms above his head then FALLING ASLEEP THAT WAY.

And this was just one week. Today I’m flying to San Francisco to do it all over again and quite frankly? I need a Xanax.