May 6th, 2009 by Kateastrophe

Last night I had my second workout with the trainer. Day 1 was shoulders, chest and lower abs. Day 2 was biceps, triceps and all-over abs. Day 1 + Day 2 = No remaining core strength and arms that are about as useful as a strand of cooked spaghetti. Seriously. Ow. (Um, sidenote? Will someone explain to me how ab workouts make ones hip flexers hurt? Because oh they do.)

The hilarity of my evening began right as soon as the workout was over. I grabbed my stuff and (painfully) and hobbled to my car. Now, I drive a sturdy German car with a sturdy, heavy steering wheel. I didn’t think of how difficult it would be for my spaghetti arms to steer. Let’s just say it took about five minutes and a lot of convincing to make my arms do anything that resembled steering. I’m very lucky that most of the twenty mile drive home is on a straight freeway. Seriously.

Now we’ve established that I drive a sturdy German car. What I left out is that it’s a sturdy German car that’s really low to the ground. Getting out of it on a normal day Is hard enough. Now imagine not having any sort of muscle system with which to assist getting out. It was like . . . Jell-o attempting to climb out of the mold. NOT SO EASY.

I finally succeeded in getting out of the car and hobbled inside and collapsed on the couch. I obviously wasn’t thinking clearly about THAT decision because I was starving and hadn’t eaten since my lunch of trail mix and a boiled egg. (So not kidding.) Getting myself off the couch may be the best moment of my day. I attempted to push my upper body into a sitting position, only to be foiled when my core AND arms refused to cooperate with my brain and I was only able to lift myself about an inch. I collapsed back down, defeated for the moment and tried to decide what my next move was. My solution? Beached whale. (Explanatory tangent: My freshman year in high school we had an all school assembly in which the student counsel put together small skits before each act was introduced. The one that sticks out in my mind is Amy Groesbeck as the beached whale. She must have been in eighteen layers of white clothing, rolling around on the front of the stage while Danny Kranny looked at her and asked what was wrong. In a low, drawn out voice she just kept repeating “IIII’Mmm beeeeaaacchheeeed.” Again and again Danny asked “what are you DOING Amy?” and she’d just shout “Beeeaaacchheeeed! I’mmmmmm beeeaaaccchhheeed!” and eventually the skit was over. It might not sound funny now but at the time? It was hilarious.) So long story short, THAT is what I did to get off the couch. I held my arms to my sides and rolled right off. Then getting off the floor was another problem . . . but eventually I did and got some food. Then I laid back down on the couch . . . and had to do it all over again when I wanted water. Sigh.

NOW for the shower. OH THE SHOWER. I was so stinky and sweaty and had to shower. But, you see the problem right? I CAN’T USE MY ARMS. Don’t worry, I made Matt come wash my hair. Which he’s never done before. And I have very long, majorly thick hair. So a boy washing that? FUNNY STUFF.

After the shower I climbed in my nice, comfy bed and proceeded to sleep terribly because every time I had to move I had to wake up and slowly roll over. Whale style.

Seriously?! Ow.