April 21st, 2009 by Kateastrophe

Long ago, in a land far, far away,* a little girl tried a sip of her Grandma’s special drink. Almost instantly, a love of Diet Coke was instilled in the little girl and she’s been a faithful worshipper ever since.**

Throughout her life, Diet Coke was there.

In high school, Diet Coke was there for her. It helped her manage (barely) to stay awake during after lunch Trigonometry and gave her the boost she needed for band camp.*** Late night play practice was always improved by a frosty fountain Diet Coke from Will’s Pit Stop or Maxi Mart. Relationships were forged over a love of the beverage of the gods. Diet Coke made an awesome high school experience even better.

In college, things got rough. Diet Coke and the little girl (now big) were fighting because all of the vocal coaches, theatre teachers and dance instructors told her their relationship was on a bad path and that Diet Coke wasn’t doing the little girl right. She struggled with her decision and finally decided it was time for she and Diet Coke to take a little break. It lasted about four days. Diet Coke was hers and she was it’s. There were no two ways about that. Teachers, you lose.

Diet Coke was, again, there for the girl throughout the ups and downs of college. It helped her through the freshman 15**** and through many, many (like a LOT) of bad break-ups,***** her senior performance project and, most importantly (duh duh duh) Richard.******

College graduation came and went and the little girl was all growed up. The girl wanted to keep her svelte figure after college so she went on a bit of a health kick and she and Diet Coke took another break. She avoided her love, Diet Coke, like the plague and was able to finally fit into a pair of size tiny pants. She met a cute boy, she dated him. He moved away. She and Richard decided to go another round. She and Richard ended that round and ALL THAT WOULD CONSOLE HER WAS A DIET COKE. Just like that, she was back on the juice.

Diet Coke was there for break-ups four, five and finally six with Richard and then the happiness set in and the girl found the love of her life in a boy named Matt. He soon joined her in her love of Diet Coke and the threesome enjoyed each other for many years. They shared their courtship, their engagement and even their marriage. Diet Coke was even there for wedding pictures. Diet Coke was a part of their lives, but the girl kept feeling like there was something a little off. Like her dependency on Diet Coke wasn’t right. Yet, together they stayed.

Then, two weeks ago, the girl found herself battling an evil sickness. She was given medication and didn’t feel much like a Diet Coke. She took this opportunity to give Diet Coke the quick boot. She was done and dramatically flung it off like dirty underwear.******* Five days passed and the girl hadn’t even said hello to Diet Coke and she was blissful when she discovered that she had no caffeine headaches or cravings. She was OVER IT . . . until she stopped taking her medications. Turns out those stupid things act just like caffeine. The second the medication was gone, Diet Coke got the girl back with a vengeance. It’s poison came in the form of the WORST HEADACHE KNOWN TO MAN which STILL HASN’T STOPPED.

The girl is miserable. And wants a fix. But is convinced she has the willpower to persevere. But she wants this headache to go away NOW.******** And she really, really REALLY wants a Diet Coke.

And now she knows how addicts feel. And she humbly joins their ranks.

Hi, my name is Kate and I’m a Diet Coke-aholic and I’ve been clean for 15 days, three hours and four minutes.*********

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*Southern California

**The infamous Diet Dr. Pepper phase of 2000 was the only time she ever cheated on Diet Coke. Really.

***She wishes she were joking. It was only that one time, Freshman year and she wasn’t IN the band. She was flag twirler. Way better. Or maybe not.

**** Ok the Europe 25 is more like it. The girl also might be addicted to baguettes and European chocolate. That might be another post entirely.

***** Or NCMOs (Non-Committal Make-Outs)

******Well, at least break-ups one and two. See Soap Opera Sunday for more details. She should probably finish that story up someday. She knows this. Don’t get mad.

*******Too much? Dirty socks would have been better? Noted.

********Either that or miraculously lose fifteen pounds. She’d take a headache for loose fitting jeans any day.

*********YES, I’m counting the minutes. No judging.