Liar, Liar, Pants A-flame!
December 3rd, 2008 by Kateastrophe
The world is full of cheaters and liars, this fact I know to be true because I myself, who I know to be a good person, am still a cheater and a liar.
The first and only time I ever cheated on a test I got caught. I was in fifth grade and we were required to write down all of the Presidents of the United States in order. I couldn’t remember Polk for the life of me. So I glanced at the girl next to me and found the missing name, filled it in on my paper and got 100% on the test. Someone saw and told on me and I was asked to take the test again. That time I missed Taft. I guess missing on out of 41 (I think there were 41 at that time) wasn’t so bad, but I felt like a failure. AND I cheated.
I’m pretty sure that cheating on my President’s test in fifth grade didn’t affect the person I became or have a huge impact on my life now, but I sometimes feel lucky that I got caught because it scared me into never cheating in school again. Maybe I would have turned into a super cheater and cheated my way through life after that. Who knows? And I’d be lying if I said I haven’t cheated on anything since then.
When I was in high school my girlfriends and I were all really good kids. We weren’t underage drinking or having sex under the bleachers. We had a tight group of friends and going to bed on the weekends just wasn’t fun. We used to sneak out of whichever house we were staying at that weekend and just drive around our little town, laughing and having a good old time. Every once in a while we’d get caught and the lies would spew forth. Someone had been sick. We’d been at one persons house and our parents had misheard we’d been somewhere else. On and on it would go. Then, one day we spent the night at our friend Katy’s house. We came in at 4 am, just as her Mom was getting up for work. We all freaked out, knowing all our parents were going to be called and grounding would ensue. Elizabeth, Katy’s mom, looked at all of us and asked us where we’d been. “Out and about, just hanging out. We just got back about five minutes ago.” Katy replied. “Awesome! Glad you’re home. Sleep well, girls!”
I’d never seen anything like it. Katy just looked at her Mom, told her the truth, and Elizabeth trusted her and knew we weren’t in any trouble and let it go. Now, I realize a bunch of teenage girls out on the town isn’t NORMALLY no trouble, but we really were and Elizabeth knew it and we didn’t have to lie.
I wish I’d learned my lesson then, but I continued to lie . . . and still do. I justify it by saying that my lies don’t affect anyone or that they’re just little white lies but I’m well aware those aren’t such a great idea either.
Someone very close to me has a huge cheating and lying problem. It’s gotten him into more trouble in his life than I can even begin to explain. It’s happened again and again and again. It’s a sickness and it sucks for both him and those who love him. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how someone gets to be that way. How someone looks their loved ones in the face and blatantly lies about everything. I mean EVERYTHING. From the big stuff about being faithful to a spouse to things that don’t even matter like what kind of medication he took for his cold. How does this happen? Is it just in his nature? Can he help it?
I don’t know the ultimate answer but the more I think about it the more I think that it starts out small. It starts as a small lie you tell your friend or your husband about where you’re going or where you’ve been or whatever. That was easy enough, so next time you’re doing it, you lie again, then again. You’re not doing anything wrong, you just don’t want to be bothered or whatever. Maybe you mess up and don’t keep your stories straight or someone seems suspicious and you don’t want to look stupid for lying for no good reason, so you lie bigger. Then you’re in a web that you can’t escape and before you know it, you’re asking others to lie for you and lying more and then inevitably, you get caught. Now, because you lied to begin with, you look all kinds of guilty and what started out as not wanting to be bothered causes your loved ones to no longer trust you. It’s a nasty, vicious cycle. Now, imagine what it’s like if you’re actually doing something wrong! Holy crap!
A friend of mine recently said “if you feel like you have to lie, you’ve already crossed the line.” Amen, sister. Amen.
There is a line in the movie “Meet Joe Black” that affected me deeply when I saw the movie way back in 1998. Joe and Quince, the goofy brother-in-law are talking after Quince finds out something he said cause his wife’s father to be fired. He knows he has to tell his wife but is terrified. Joe says ” . . . but Allison loves you? How do you know?” And Quince looks at him and says “Because she knows the worst thing about me and it’s ok.”
I decided the moment I heard that line – THAT is how I wanted my marriage to be. Matt really does know the worst things about me. Things I’ve never told anyone but him. Things I’m ashamed of. Stupid things I do all the time. I decided that if he couldn’t love ALL of me, no matter how bad it was, it would never work. So anytime he asks me a question, I do my best to answer truthfully. When my ex-boyfriend calls, it’s not a secret. Matt doesn’t love it, but it’s not a secret. I don’t ever want to give him a reason to be suspicious of me, because the second the trust is gone is the second my marriage isn’t working. I’ve seen too many lives and marriages torn apart by lies to even start down that road. So, if I can do it with my husband I should really be able to do it with everyone in my life.
I resolve today to be more honest and upfront, even in the little, insignificant things. The commandment doesn’t say “thou shalt not lie unless it’s just a little lie.” It says “thou shalt not lie.” Period.
So I shalt not lie. Period.
- Posted in Some People Suck, In all Seriousness
December 3rd, 2008 at 1:00 pm
Great Meet Joe Black line. So true. There was a linein Four Christmases, “You can’t spell families without lies.” That is sadly my family. But I resolve to break the pattern whenever I am able.
December 3rd, 2008 at 1:16 pm
But, but, but…
The only “lies” I tell intentionally are those migraine sick days that really are just “I don’t feel like working today” days.
But I suppose there are other little white lies or exaggerations that I should do away with altogether.
Great post!
December 3rd, 2008 at 1:33 pm
Great, thought provoking post. You really had that song, “If you tell one lie it leads to another, so you tell two lies to cover each other, then you tell three lies. Oh brother! You’re up to your knees in TROUBLE. etc.etc.” running through my head.
Any time we catch our kids in itty bitty lies I talk to them about how easy it can become to continue to lie and then it really does become a big problem. And the part about how they do have one Father who ALWAYS KNOWS the truth anyway!
Thanks for this. So interesting.
December 3rd, 2008 at 2:11 pm
amen sister.
December 3rd, 2008 at 6:19 pm
i think we’re all guilty of lying and cheating now and then, sometimes it just can’t be helped. well for the most part at least.
December 3rd, 2008 at 11:11 pm
You know, one of the things I’m most grateful to my Mom for is her absolute hatred of dishonesty. She punished us double if we broke the rules and lied about it. I’m painfully honest for the most part, even when it isn’t maybe necessary and doesn’t paint me in a good light.
The problem with lying in your marriage is that it creates so much distance. And back in the day, when we had very defined roles and we relied on each other a great deal, it was much harder for people and life and crap to get between spouses and create distance. It’s too easy now. Way too easy. Even by being rather honest in my marriage, my career, his interests, his career, my interests, some separate friends- we have to keep a close eye on what creeps into that space between us. I, too, have confessed the worst of my thoughts and deeds to WH, in hopes that we can develop the love and trust that comes from real acceptance.
His family was much different than mine, and I had to do a lot of work to train him. My permission is infinitely easier to get than my forgiveness, and I’ve proven that to him, in the positive and negative, whenever possible.
We had a friend who was a chronic liar. What killed me about it was that he would lie about really stupid things no one cared about.
I can only come to the conclusion that people who lie and cheat do so because they are solidly convinced that no one would love them if they told the truth. So very sad, since those same people generally lose a lot of love and support when their lies, however trivial, are discovered.
Great post, Kate.
December 4th, 2008 at 5:02 am
damn… now i have to be more honest!!
this post strikes home, it’s all very true… too true!!
December 4th, 2008 at 9:15 am
Katelin said, “sometimes it just can’t be helped.” Wow! Even some Americans believe that!?! In Poland most people believe you HAVE to lie to get by.
Unless your own or someone else’s life is at risk, telling a lie is wrong. Of course there are all shades of deception and half truths and lies, but everyone knows when they’re not being honest.
It’s not always easy though, that’s for sure. (I love the quote from the hymn, “Do what is right; let the consequence follow.” You just DO it. Come what may.)
December 4th, 2008 at 11:47 am
Hee Hee… I love that you still people that story about all of us sneaking in at 4 am and my mom catching us… It was so funny, because I knew that my mom would not care and all of you guys were freaking out… “no, Katy… don’t tell her… Pssstt, don’t do it”
Aaaahhh, Good times, good times!
December 4th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
Well said.
I think my favorite line was: “So, if I can do it with my husband I should really be able to do it with everyone in my life.” That’s what I’m saying! Haha! I know I’m terrible. I’ve learned to live with it.
Oh, and I think it’s “thou shalt not bear false witness.” Which, I don’t know how that came across to the dirty, tired, grumpy Egyptianized Israelites in Moses’ tour group, but if I saw this in a sterotypical fortune cookie in a divey Szechuan place, I might take this to mean I shouldn’t put up with perjurers. I.e. I can lie, but you better not. Think about it.
Just sayin!
December 5th, 2008 at 9:01 am
I have thought a lot about this post for the past couple of days. I totally remember Katy telling her Mom right to her face that we had been out all night - and Elizabeth didn’t even care! (PS - didn’t we come in at 6am?). Anyway, I remember ALWAYS wanting to sleep at Katy’s house because we could be honest and open about coming and going at all hours. That was a nice feeling! Honesty - what a concept! Since my Granddad passed I have tried to be so much better at all the little things I do that are not right - talking bad about someone, being negative, lying…it’s SO much harder than I thought! I’m a horrible person. We all know about FFM - lying about stuff that was so stupid, that didn’t even matter. She was just lying to lie. No point. Anyway, I loved this post. Thanks so much for sharing - we’ll help each other be better!
December 5th, 2008 at 9:31 am
I think I needed to read this today. Gorgeous post, and so thought-provoking. I think that’s how I intended for things to go in my marriage, but stupid things have crept in over the years and now… well, it’s become complicated. Anyway, great post. Send it to the Annex, would you?
December 5th, 2008 at 10:38 am
I won’t you to know, that I’ve accepted your challenge and come out on top so far. Ok, you didn’t really challenge anyone, but I thought, I’m a grown man, I can live without some of these white lies.
It occured to me that, for those of us who work in an office or a cubicle in front of a computer with internet access, Alt-Tab lying is very frequent indeed. Oh gee I’m reading Kate’s blog, la-dee-da-dee-da, crap my boss is coming (I KNOW those footsteps), ALT-TAB to some spreadsheet or something workish, what? Eh? Oh yeah I’m just workin’…on these…rotary…girders.
So I decided to be more forthright. Yesterday I was looking at the Disneyworld website (we’re planning a much needed uber-vacation for next March) ACTUALLY reading the terms and conditions of a given package (I’m a lawyer, I read these things). And then I hear my boss coming, and I’m like screw it, I should be able to take a few minutes to take care of this, so I’m going to keep reading. Besides, maybe she’s going to the office next to mine to talk to Keith. No, she’s coming to talk to me. Ka-rap.
Her first words: “Hey watcha reading?” She NEVER really asks what I’m doing or reading. What the crap. This was the crossroads. Tell her what I’m doing, or make up a “little white lie.” Who are we really hurting here? Right? But I figured I’d give this 100% honesty thing a try. “I am reading the terms and conditions for the Disneyworld trip.” Pause. “Oh. Ok cool. That’ll be fun. Anyway, I’m leaving now so lets talk about Projects X,Y,and Z tomorrow after Meeting Q.” Sweet. “Sure thing.”
So now, maybe she thinks I’m dumb, but then again—given how many times I’ve caught her in her office messing around on some stupid website—I doubt it.
So, you see! You’re making a difference.
December 5th, 2008 at 10:39 am
Yes, I wrote “I won’t you to know,” instead of “I want you to know.” That’s how I roll, aight!
December 6th, 2008 at 10:17 am
I think that’s a wonderful resolution, and one I hope sticks! I’m totally with you on those little white lies, and even with just the tiny little minor fibs, there are still times where I get caught out looking stupid and have to say something like, “Oh, I was confused…” “I thought you meant…” or something like that. I was definitely constantly lying when I was a kid and I’m glad I grew out of that, because I can’t imagine how much trouble I would have gotten into in life.
December 12th, 2008 at 11:23 pm
I’m the same way, compulsively honest and I really like it but I do kind of think it’s just something I was born with and that there are those who were born without that, and probably even some who were born with a random compulsively dishonest gene. (We all have our crosses to bear right?)
But I love what you said about not lying to your husband. I lied to mine. Once. Eleven years ago. And I told him about ten minutes later. (And it was about sausage if I recall correctly.) And I love that being honest with him is so easy for me. (I wish it was as easy for him but we’re working on it.)
Like Verybadcat I punish my kids’ dishonesty more than their indiscretions. I really think it’s that important.
December 13th, 2008 at 6:14 pm
I wrote a post on his very subject recently. When I was younger than 20, I used to tell lies just to fill up the space in a moment of silence between me and anyone (friend, stranger, etc.) because the intimacy of the moment was just so scary to me. Whoever that is who lies like that must be really afraid of the truth, for some reason. I hope he figures it out, because that’s really sad.
February 10th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
TRUST is one of the basic foundation of any relationship. It makes it stronger together with RESPECT, LOVE and UNDERSTANDING. Each of these aspects begets the other. Without one, then there is no relationship to consider in the first place. Good Luck to you… may you truly feel and see the blessing of being true, not only to others but best of all to your self.