September 24th, 2008 by Kateastrophe

Monday morning I showed up at work and saw a chubby security guard smoking near our main door.  I shrugged it off thinking he was from another office in our building and just taking a smoke break away from his main duties or something.  I walked inside and was greeted by two of our senior level employees who were manning the front desk, armed with some sort of . . . list.  I paused, confused, and then asked them what they were doing (and in my head wondered where our receptionist was.)  “Just hanging out,” one said, as he eyed his list.  The other just nodded and checked his laptop.

As I walked back to my cube, I saw through the cracks of the blinds in our board room a bunch of people sitting in some sort of meeting.  It was early for a meeting in our office.  We’re a technology company full of . . . technology people.  We sort of roll in around 8:45 and it was 8:20 or so.  I was early because Matt had a meeting a few blocks from my office and we had carpooled.  I was baffled, but blew it off.  I’m not “in the know” around the office anymore.  Maybe it was a board meeting.

I sat down at my desk and started my computer.

“You made the cut,” said the familiar voice from the next cube.  “I guess we both did.”

That’s when it hit me.  The security guard, the people in the lobby, the early morning meeting. 

Terminations.

Almost 20 people were let go from our company early Monday morning.  I knew and respected all of them.  The decision to terminate these employees was explained later in a company meeting.  It made sense.  They had done everything they could to be fair and help these people find new jobs and move on with their lives.  But it still sucked.  A lot.

My boss said that he knew it would take a couple of days for the reality to really hit me.  Boy was he right.  Right now I feel so many things.

Relief. 

I wasn’t terminated — in fact I was given a raise and somewhat of an unofficial promotion less than a week ago.  My performance review was excellent.  I am learning a lot and my new boss seems to respect and like me (and the feeling is very mutual.)  I am considered a valuable knowledge asset and my opinion appears to be highly valued.  I am about to take two days off for a family vacation, shortly followed by a two week vacation to China.  I feel truly lucky and relieved that I still have my job and all the benefits that come with it.

Guilt.

One employee who was let go has five children.  Several have family members with severe healthy problems.  One in particular had expressed to me their dire financial situation and the stress involved in just making ends meet.  One had just put a deposit down on a new house.  Another had just paid for the first class plane tickets jetting him off on the vacation of a lifetime.  All of these people’s lives have been impacted in a way I can’t imagine.  My husband has a good job.  Our bills are manageable.  We are lucky to have more than enough.  We don’t have children (or anyone, really) relying on us to provide for their existence.  I have connections and people willing to give me a job at any moment.  I feel guilty that I get to stay, secure in my position.

Frustration.

I’m frusrated that in the past four years our company has been thisclose to profitability and stability yet somehow keep missing the mark.  I’m frustrated that my company stock is worth less than it was when I started.  Frustrated thinking maybe I made the wrong decision when I turned down a job offer a few months ago because I truly believed that we could get over the hump and reach our potential as a company.  I’m extremely frustrated with the economy.  I hate the housing market.  Luckily, I don’t have enough money to lose any with the latest financial crisis but I’m pissed at what’s happening to so many.  Gas prices still suck (I sure sold my Civic and traded in my Corolla at the wrong time, didn’t I?) and some of that extra I mentioned has been flushed down the hypothetical economic toilet of death.

Exhaustion.

Myself and everyone remaining at our company has gone into turbo mode since Monday.  It’s like a knee jerk reaction.  We still have our jobs and know the company would have to close it’s doors if it lost another 20 or so, but we’re all working like tomorrow may never come.  My brain is going a million miles a minute trying to get all the things I want to do organized into some sort of system.  I’m in a meetings all day and trying to fit all my tasks into the few minutes between which are usually reserved for bathroom or food breaks.  I’ve come home the last two days ready to collapse with exhaustion, yet I’ve been sitting on my butt all day.  I’d rather put a gun to my head than go to the gym or be active.

Determination.

I’m forcing my brain and body to suck it up.  I am going to work harder.  Prove myself even more.  I will accomplish my goals.  I will get all my work done.  I will not let anyone down.  Despite everything, I still believe in my company.  I know we can be successful and I will be a part of that success.  Just watch me.

I mourn for my friends who lost their jobs.  I’ll miss our lunches and the inappropriate conversations that ensued.  I’ll miss stealing candy from their desks and writing notes on their whiteboards.  I’ll even miss refilling the CO2 tank while they stand there and watch me struggle.  I hope they all find a better place to rest soon.  That they’ll remember me fondly and that we can stay in touch.

As for me, I’m thanking the Lord that I still have my job and that all my different emotions have lead me to the decision to try a little harder.  Just maybe, just a little bit, what happened was supposed to be a lesson for me.  A lesson in gratitude, in empathy, sympathy and perserverence. 

Just maybe I’ll learn.  And remember.  And grow.

September 21st, 2008 by Kateastrophe

SO, Heather at The Extraordinary Ordinary is hosting Soap Opera Sunday this month and she also suggested our theme of “Three’s Company.”  Now, I have plenty of those kinds of stories, but I think the Richard saga has been dragging on long enough that I should dedicate some time to finishing that up.  And off I go.

——————

The evening I spent with Matt was fun.  We talked through most of dinner and then went to play pool with our group.  We talked college football and whatnot.  We had a good time, but at the end of the evening, we just said good-bye.  I knew I was way to messed up to get involved with anyone.  Besides, Matt had just moved to Arizona and I had a great job, a free place to live and a dysfunctional relationship that was coming up on it’s two year anniversary.  Life was grand.

I continued down the path of dysfunction and drama with Richard.  We were seeing each other a little more often now, but it was on weird nights and, as usual, never planned.  I had a feeling he was, once again, seeing someone else, but I had no proof of this and I was so done caring enough to ask.  I had just sort of accepted that it was what it was.  I didn’t talk about him with anyone else and I was alone a lot.  I was in great shape because instead of a real social life, I had a gym life.  I was working out like six days a week and spending a lot of time with my Mom.

See?  Life was fun.

About three weeks after the football game where I met Matt, I got a phone call from my girlfriend Rhonda, who lived in Arizona.  She said that a big group of her friends (who lived in both Utah and Arizona) were meeting in Las Vegas to go to the BYU vs. UNLV game there that weekend.  Then she said Matt had been asking about me and she had given him my phone number so he could invite me to go along — and he was calling that night.

I was flattered, of course, and happy to talk to him when he called.  I agreed to come to Vegas and then we chatted (ok I chatted) for another half an hour or so.  I still wasn’t really thinking it was going to go anywhere because . . . well, you know.  RICHARD.

So, on to Vegas.  A bunch of Matt’s friends came from Utah (one of whom hitched a ride to Vegas with me and was very cool.) and we all crashed in a hotel in Boulder City.  Like, ten of us.  In one hotel room.  Yeah.  Somehow, in the hub-ub, Matt and I ended up in the same bed.  Yeah, don’t ask me how, but it happened.  I think it was sort of a . . . watching movies late, no one paying any attention to sleeping arrangements and then POOF, we’re all asleep.  We stayed on COMPLETELY opposite sides of the bed, not touching at all.  I woke up and laughed because I was hugging the wall and he was hugging the coffee table.  Other than that, the weekend was uneventful.  I didn’t sit with him at the BYU game, we chatted a bit, but we chatted with others too . . . and then the weekend was over.  I had learned not much more than the fact that Matt was horribly shy.  I must have caught him on a good night when we met, because this boy was SHY SHY SHY.  He’d blush easily, he was quiet.  He’d hide in a corner and draw no attention to himself.  I will be honest and say that I have no idea what to DO with shy people.  I’m the opposite of shy.  Shy people scare me.  Seriously.

I drove home (got a ticket for speeding) and went on with my dysfunctional (have I mentioned DYSFUNCTIONAL) relationship.  I didn’t hear from Matt, he didn’t hear from me.  In fact the report from Rhonda was that Matt thought I was “a talker.”  While I am a talker, I was offended.  How dare he!

Two weeks later I had plans to be in Phoenix for Halloween.  I had been promising Rhonda that I would come visit her for a long time, so I finally decided that weekend would be a fun time.  I showed up late in the evening and a bunch of her friends were going to a bunch of parties.  Matt happened to be among the group of friends and showed up sans costume, so I kindly provided him with my fleece Viking hat (yes, fleece Viking hat.  Complete with horns and braids.  IN FLEECE.) which he wore for the whole evening.  Once again, I was seeing a non-shy side of Matt.  He was so shy in Vegas and here he was wearing a hilarious, attention grabbing Viking hat.  I was starting to question the shyness.

After the parties were over we went our seperate ways and, once again, I figured I’d never see him again.

Haha, wrong again.  The next morning Rhonda and I decided to get in some shopping and a movie.  Then she asked if she could invite Matt.  I didn’t really have a problem with that, so along he came.  We went and picked him up at his house and spent the whole day at the mall where we saw a movie, did some shopping, ate some food . . . and I realized that I really liked this guy.  Like, a lot.  I realized this right about the time we walked into the movie theatre.  At that point I had no idea what to do next.  It was like I was twelve years old again. 

After the movie we ended up at Rhonda’s house, all hanging out until the wee hours of the morning.  As the night progressed the roommates and Rhonda all went to bed and Matt and I were still out on the couch talking and laughing.  We weren’t tired at all so we decided to watch a move.  Glitter, as a matter of fact (and it was bad. Bad bad bad).  I watched the whole thing and I think Matt drifted in and out of conciousness.   After the movie we were both wide awake and the next logical thing to do seemed obvious.  It took a little while because I sure wasn’t going to make the first move and Matt was shy, but eventually it happened.  He leaned in and gently kissed me.  It was the best kiss I’ve ever had (and I’d kissed a LOT of people at this point).  I can’t even find words to describe it.  It was soft and sweet and gentle and AMAZING — and it lasted a very, very, very long time. 

The next morning I was sort of swimming in joy.  Matt went home to get ready for church and Rhonda and I did the same.  We all went to church together and Matt sat next to me and held my hand the entire time.  After church we went and got some food and then I had to leave for the airport.  Matt went with us and when they dropped me off at the curb he hugged me, kissed me and told me he’d talk to me soon.

And then I got on a plane, flew the hour and a half to Utah and walked to the curb where Richard was waiting for me.

September 18th, 2008 by Kateastrophe

Blog? What blog? I have a blog? Like, my own blog? That I write on? Like, more than once a month? With words? What are words? Seriously? A blog?

Surely you jest.

OhmygoshIamsobusyandtiredIwanttodiehere.

Here’s a quick summary of my last week:

Packing bags.

Saying goodbye to husband.

Flying on a plane.

Seeing friends.

Birthday party.

No sleep.

Mom.

Re-packing bags.

Flying on a plane.

Bloody nose.

Vegas.

No sleep.

Smoky casino.

Standing for three days straight.

Bloody nose. Again.

Awesome food.

Fat.

Smoky casino.

No sleep.

Lugging heavy boxes.

Bloody nose.

Seeing friends for like five seconds.

How the crap do I return the freaking rental car?

Flying on a plane.

Seeing husband. He had cookies. Good husband.

Sleep.

Work.

Cookies.

Tired.

I think I need more cookies. And less work. And more sleep.

Sigh.

September 9th, 2008 by Kateastrophe

Today is glorious Julia’s 29th Birthday!! Last year I serenaded her with an almighty picture post and tribute and this morning I realized that I had to come up with something new for this year.  So, even though it’s not original, I’m going to post the 29 things I love most about Julia . . . and try to add even more awesome pictures.  See?  Isn’t she hot stuff??

So, without further ado, here are the top 29 things to love about Jewels, in no particular order (because I’m just not that organized):

29.  Her nice butt.  Duh.  She and I are co-founders of the “CBC” –  The Cute Butt Club, which then evolved to the”NAC” when we let our morals go by the wayside and started using the word “ass.”  Morals be damned!  Wait . . .

28.   She has always loved (and hated) Taco Bell almost as much as I do.

27.  That she turned 16 first and was always willing to drive us around until I was “of age” and “with car.”

26.   Her hair.  Seriously she has always had the most gorgeous, soft, corn silk hair.  I have always been jealous.

25.  That when she had a black eye forever ago, she had her whits about her enough to lie about where she got it and, on several occasions got free stuff and discounts.  (The best lie was that she got in a fight at the pool hall and someone hit her in the face with a pool stick.  She ended the conversation with “you should see the other girl.”)

24. That she can ALWAYS convince me to ditch church and go to Target.  Or convince me to ditch anything and go to Target.

23.  That we are often kicked out of Target because they closed an hour ago.

22.   Her home is so comfy and inviting and there is always candy.

21.  She throws, hands down, the best parties.

20.  That she came up with the BRILLIANT idea to have an annual Diva Soiree for our group of girlfriends. It’s always the highlight of my summer.

19.  She works her butt off to plan and organize the annual Diva Soiree and comes up with a theme at least a year in advance.

18.  She always goes over budget on the Diva Packet because she can’t NOT get that cute change purse (or whatever trinket catches her eye)!

17.  Her talent and creativity.

16.  That she’ll sit down at the piano and sing with me for hours and that our voices blend perfectly.

15.  That she still gives out my cell phone numbers to boys who pick up on her. (and boy do they ever!)

14.  Her squinchy face. (Sidenote?  My double chin and sleepy face?  Ew!!)

13.  Her killer sense of humor and contagious laughter.  I’ve laughed harder with her than with anyone on the planet .

12.  That she once threatened to beat some guy up for saying I was ugly.

11. That no guy was ever good enough for me in her eyes until I met my husband.  I should have had her screen all my boyfriends.  Seriously.

10.  Her hilarious “isms” such as “DUH, Ha-cha, Nimble Minx, Spicy, etc . . . “  (And that she hasn’t trademarked any of them so I can use them at will.)

9.   That she is just as aggressive of a driver as I am — and that she wants to carry a box of rocks in her car so she can throw them at stupid drivers.

8.  She’s not afraid to fight for what she loves and believes in — be that friends, family, religion . . . or shoes.

7.  She is an amazing example of how to be a great wife and mother.

6.  She bakes a mean apple pie.  And a mean pumpkin pie.  And a mean everything.

5.  The hilarious messages she leaves me when I don’t answer my phone.

4.  That she calls just to tell me she misses me.

3.  That we didn’t grow apart when we grew up, got married and moved far away from each other.

2.  That we are both OK with the fact that we don’t always act like we grew up.

1.  That 14 years later, I still get to tell everyone she is my best friend.

Jillia, I am more grateful for you and your friendship than I could ever find words to describe.  I feel truly blessed to be worthy of a friend like you.  Here’s to 14×4 more years of fun and laughter together starting in THREE DAYS!!!  Happy birthday, you sauce pot!

September 8th, 2008 by Kateastrophe

So let it be stated, for the record, that I suck at Soap Opera Sunday lately.

Let’s try to move on with this ridiculously long Richard saga, shall we? Here’s where we left off last . . . I was being all dramatic and sobby, yet again.

I was determined to never speak to Richard again. I was hurt and alone and frustrated and I just needed to let myself heal. I immediately started watching myself to see if I needed ani-depressants again, but I seemed to be doing better than the last couple of times. I was having a rough time sleeping so my “nurse,” who is also called “Mom” provided me with three sleeping pills to help me for the first few days. (Let it be known that Ambien sleep is the best frickin’ sleep I’ve ever had. Take one at 10:00, drift peacefully to sleep and blissfully open your eyes exactly eight hours later feeling like a queen. ) I was struggling, but I was keeping my crap together.

Richard was making it easy. We hadn’t missed a nightly phone call in almost two years, but he wasn’t calling. I thought he finally got the message and was going to leave me alone.

Hahahahahahahaha.

Five days after the horrible night, he called and left a message on my phone. “BUD! Where have you been? I haven’t heard from you all week and I’m worried that you’re dead or something. I miss you and I have tickets to the game this weekend for us! Callmecallmecallme.”

Uh, WHAT?!

It was like a piece of his brain was missing. Like nothing had happened. Like he hadn’t watched me sob on the floor of his living room for two hours less than a week before.

I ignored that phone call as well as the next ten. He called four times a day at least and I ignored him for a few more days until he got tricky and called me from a number I didn’t know.

I answered the phone and he just started talking non-stop about missing me and wondering where I’d been and asking how I was and all that stuff that he never ever did. He wanted to see me that night and he wasn’t accepting no for an answer. He was in his car right that minute and on his way to my house.

My brain was screaming at me to hang up on him and leave my house that very second, but my heart and every bone and muscle in my body was aching for his presence. He was like a drug and I was completely addicted to him and unable to ever say no.

I was sitting on the couch when he arrived. He didn’t knock on the door, he just walked in and came over to me and scooped me up in a huge hug. I melted into him, my senses on fire in his presence. I had missed his touch, his smell, his voice . . . everything.

We sat on the couch for a long time, talking and laughing, just like when we were first dating. All my resolve to forget about him disappeared and I jumped in, starting the whole vicious cycle over again, except this time he was a little better. He made a little more effort, tried a little harder. Granted, it still wasn’t enough, but I was clinging to the hope that he was taking baby steps and eventually he would be running right for me. We fought sometimes, I hated him sometimes, he thought I was clingy sometimes, but we clung to each other for some crazy reason.

Things were OK. Not great, but OK. We still spent a lot of time apart, doing our own thing, but we clung to each other for some reason . . . most likely habit, I’m sure.

September rolled around and it was college football season again. Almost two years since we met. The students were back in town and for the first time in my life, I wasn’t one of them. I was working full-time and starting to feel like a real grown up.

One of my best friends, Rhonda, had recently moved to Phoenix and met some guy who’s uncle flew private planes, so they hitched a ride from Phoenix to Provo to catch the BYU vs. Standford game. Rhonda and I sat in her family’s seats and decided to meet a bunch of people at our favorite Mexican Restaurant, Los Hermanos, after the game.

I was in rare form that night. I get pretty excited at football games, and I was decked out in blue and white, with an exceptionally attractive hairstyle which included my hair in a ponytail on TOP of my head, sticking out of a BYU visor which I was wearing backwards and upside down. My new shoes had caused a bleeding blister on the back of my heel, so, in a public restaurant, I had removed my shoes. I was a vision of class.

As we walked into the restaurant and Rhonda told me “the guy I flew up with is really cool. I think you’ll like him.”

“Yeah right,” I thought, “I’m not involving any more boys in my world of crazy.”

We walked to our table and there were two cute guys there, obviously brothers. The older, cuter one stood up, shook my hand and said “Hi, I’m Matt. It’s nice to meet you.”

“Maybe I’ll involve someone else in my crazy,” I thought. “This one’s kinda cute!”

September 6th, 2008 by Kateastrophe

While I try to collect my feisty thoughts, head on over to Heather’s place . . . she’s hosting Soap Opera Sunday this month and she helped suggest the COOLEST theme.  You’ll have to head over there for more details.  Thanks so much Heather!!

I’m still feeling kind of crappy but my emotions are a  liiiitle more in check today.  I’ll be participating in SOS this week . . . trying, once again, to get closer to finishing up the Richard story.  We’re ALMOST  there . . . or are we?

For the record, I hate ketchup.

September 4th, 2008 by Kateastrophe

Some days I wish my blog was anonymous so I could say the mean things that go through my head.  I’m kind of an awful person lately, with mean, mean thoughts.  Mean horrible thoughts.  Thoughts that would make my family and friends (hi guys!) question my sanity –  which, let’s be honest, was sort of in question already.

I’m a fickle, moody, selfish brat sometimes.  Yes I am.  I think it might have something to do with my new red hair.  When I have red hair, it’s like I give myself permission to be all Irish and feisty.  Rarr. 

See?  Red = Feisty

Who really knows.  Maybe it’s hormones.  Maybe it’s the nastly cold that’s traveling through my office and slowly finding it’s way through me.  Maybe it’s the heat starting to get to me.  Whatever it is, I’m going to hesitantly say that I’m sort of enjoying my new found fire.  Matt on the other hand is probably hating me right now.  Bring it on, mister.  Bring. it. on. 

Also, all politics aside, have you ever seen anything cuter than Sarah Palin’s little baby boy Trig??  He just makes my heart melt.

Also, I am very random.  In case you were wondering.

That is all.

September 1st, 2008 by Kateastrophe

I don’t care what anyone says.  God makes miracles happen.

Category 5 hurricanes diffuse, despite ideal conditions to increase, and hit land as category 2 hurricanes.  Levies hold (so far), homes are protected, peoples lives are saved and my angel of a little sister, full of relief and joy, danced in the rain and laughed in the face of Gustav.