Personality Clash
August 14th, 2008 by Kateastrophe
From the moment I roared into this world, I was social. A talker. Interested. Engaged with those around me.
Stories of me as a toddler always include me becoming fast friends with the family next to us at dinner. Stories of me screaming “hello” to passing shopping carts and becoming very irritated if no response was given. Walking up to complete strangers and asking them about their respective private parts.
My Mom often tells one story about losing me in a mall for two hours when I was three years old. She was running through the mall, sobbing hysterically, sure I had been kidnapped. She eventually found me sitting on a bench, in a deep conversation with a woman in her forties. The woman felt awful as she explained to my Mom that she was so engaged in the conversation we were having, it never occurred to her that I had been separated from a parent. I WAS THREE.
Told you I was social.
I was never one to understand why anyone would be shy. Why people want to be reserved?? Quiet? Huh? I’ve struggled to understand these concepts my whole life. I always sort of thought shy people were . . . well, boring. I come from a completely Irish background. Loud, boisterous, stereotypical Irish. Quiet isn’t a word we understand. Reserved means that table is taken and you can’t sit there. My younger brother was publicly shy, in a way, but at home he was anything BUT. He was the clown, the one sitting at the dinner table pulling his cheeks as far off his teeth as possible and barking and mooning us from behind our Mom. His shy he grew out of it by about third grade so I’d never been around someone who was shy and quiet all the time. It was completely foreign to me
Enter my husband.
Shortly after we met, a friend of ours finagled a phone call between us, fibbing to both of us that the other asked for the phone call. Matt was the lucky one doing the calling. It was supposed to be a short phone call, inviting me to go on a trip with a group of people, but I turned it into an hour long conversation about everything from family to favorite movies. I hung up the phone excited to have a new friend. My girlfriend (the finagler) called me to report that Matt had simply said to her that I was “quite a talker.” I was insulted! I decided then and there that he didn’t like me and nothing would ever happen, so therefore I probably didn’t like him either.
Little did I know at the time that he was just shy and quiet. Pretty much all the time. And he’s not much of a “talker.” Obviously he’s not “shy” around me anymore, but he’s definitely quiet most of the time. Reserved. Cautious with his words. All things I personally have a hard time comprehending, but that I love about him.
Now I’m doing what I never thought possible. I’m learning from his example. Learning to be more reserved. To share less and listen more. To filter my thoughts. All qualities I never thought I needed or wanted but which I understand the value of more and more every day. I may not be doing a great job at it, but I can see it making a big difference in my life.
I think Matt is also learning from me. Learning to be LESS shy. To be more comfortable around people. It’s hard for me to see him so visibly uncomfortable in social situations. To wish that I could take all his anxiety away and help him relax and be himself around strangers. And I think he’s doing a bang up job. He’ll never be loud and boisterous like me, but he’s sure doing well at the whole “social” thing.
Through all of this, I’m learning ways to help others be less visibly uncomfortable in social situations. To be the kind of person that makes them more comfortable and relaxed. To give them the time to form their thoughts and share them with me. And it’s really nice. The people I always thought were boring are far from that. And I’m ashamed I ever thought that way.
I will never be shy or reserved or even remotely quiet, but as continue to I grow up, I’m finding a balance between my world and Matt’s. Between the loud and the quiet, the filtered and the open – and I’m finding that balance is good.
- Posted in The Awesome Continues, Awww Lurve
August 14th, 2008 at 11:26 am
Yay for balance! I love Matt– but it’s all true. When I see him in person he’s very quiet! When I hear about him from you, he’s… hilarious! Haha. I think several of us in our group of friends were like that– loud and obnoxious (not that you’re obnoxious…) girls marrying nice, quiet boys. Hahaha. I think we ALL needed some balance! Great post, Katiebug!
August 14th, 2008 at 11:37 am
I just love this post. We gabby ones do need to shut up a bit more, I fully agree. I learn so much about people when I work at this. And I’m always so glad. So long as they give me a turn to ramble for a long while after they finish…
August 14th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
Here here! There’s something to be said for the Darcys of the world! I mean, Bingleys are great and all, but let’s face it: Darcys are richer. And handsomer. And Pemberleyer.
And I really can’t stress enough to men the importance of appearing as if you’re listening. If that seems mercenary to women, let me just point out that it is in fact impossible to listen to all of the jabber without killing something, so an alternative must be found. Nodding your head with occasional uh-huhs will not cut it. You have to be able to ask her the odd follow-up question and throw in a laugh or two, while still thinking about what you just watched on Sports Cener, the excellent book you’re reading, how itchy these socks have turned out to be, or what the chances of scoring (with implied wife) tonight are. In the last case, the chances are somewhat diminished if the duplicity–however completely necessary–is discovered.
Essential skillz (with a z), gentlemen. Develop them.
August 14th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
Actually, this is partly why I blog, so that I don’t overwhelm people when they ask how I am. Do you have that thing, too, where you don’t understand why people won’t talk about sex/money/politics/religion? All the BEST stuff to talk about?
I bet that if you and I went out for coffee, it would take three hours.
WH is a lot like Matt. He jokes that he has even less words to use in a day now, because I use all of mine and half of his.
Great post.
August 14th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
Best word ever: Pemberleyer.
Thank you Brianz for making my comment section all the more interestingz.
August 14th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
No, no. Brianz belongz to Brilligz. Bryanz belongz to mankind. Not in a gay way, but in a grand way. Acually, either way it’s a complete lie, a total fabrication, and my Pepsi-caffination level is clearly very high. And one of my office drones just informed me that there’s an “ice cream social” in our groundfloor lobby, which means free ice cream for me (which will probably take up today’s remaining calories but the WTH right?) and so I’m leaving to get some (ice cream).
Excellent post by the way. Self-awareness is a trait much to be desired, admired. Should be required.
August 14th, 2008 at 4:34 pm
i laughed the whole time reading this because i am so the same way, talky mctalkerson. i swear most people don’t think i shut up, haha. luckily i didn’t scare my matt away since he’s pretty sociable too. because otherwise i don’t know what i’d do with a shy guy. but i’m glad you and your hubby are working even if you guys are so different
August 15th, 2008 at 7:00 am
Talking is good…. keep it up. (((HUGS)))
August 15th, 2008 at 11:19 am
Ah yes, opposites do attract! Or at least that’s what Miss Abdul tells me. I’m not much of a talker in real life–in a social situation I can chat with the best of them, but I love making friends with people like you because you make it so much EASIER to talk. When I’m chatting with a fellow quiet person, it can get really painful after about 10 minutes, lol!
August 15th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
I’m finding this Diet Mountain Dew I’m having is making me very talky. I got a big cup of it at Quiznos for lunch, and then refilled, so I’m probably on something like 40-60 ounces of the stuff, but it’s really working. Get a fountain installed at your place; it could really help Matt. Plus, how awesome is that: Diet Mountain Dew from the fountain, 24/7. It pretty much completes the home.
August 15th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
Just kidding! It’s me, Mrs.4444. However, my dad gave me that nickname when I was in Kindergarten. I’ve always been an extravert, and so is Mr.4444. You and your hubby sound like a great match! I’ve always been curious about people who can just sit and be quiet in a room full of talkers. I’m guessing birth order might play a role in those…
August 16th, 2008 at 6:52 pm
It’s funny… I’ve always been an introvert but my stepdaughter is a serious extravert. Drives us nuts because she’s the only one in our family.
But we love her, because that’s just the way she is. Embrace your talkiness. It’s cool that you’re seeing the other side, though. Can you come and teach Sam?
August 16th, 2008 at 8:16 pm
YAY for the Finagler. She must be very special…thank HEAVENS it worked out. Otherwise, Finagler would have to take credit for something FAR less interesting. Love you both!
August 21st, 2008 at 1:59 pm
Howdy!
When I was a kid, I was just as outgoing. Once I rode my Big Wheel (remember those) all the way to my friend’s house. I was maybe 3.
Did I mention that my friend’s house was across town, across a major 8-lane highway?
On my Big Wheel.
Yep, I was a ball of fun for my parents. But outgoing.