July 7th, 2008 by Kateastrophe

People, there are LARGE WILD TOADS on the loose in Arizona. Wild, ferocious attacking toads.

If you live here beware.  They are sneaky.  They might do any of the following:

• Jump into the large community pool at night for a nice swim
• Jump into the large community pool at night for a nice swim, unaware that they will become trapped and not be able to leave said pool
• Find the nearest tall dark thing, assuming it’s a way out of the pool
• Swim towards nearest tall dark thing
• Swim towards nearest tall dark thing very stealthily, from behind said tall dark thing
• Not be stealth enough because neighbor woman will  see it swimming toward tall dark thing
• Cause neighbor woman to freak out, screaming “what the hell is THATAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH” and jump out of the pool faster than a bullet
• During that exact moment, JUMP onto tall dark thing
• Tall dark thing is Husband who did not see toad coming (due to the stealthiness thereof)
• Cause tall dark thing (aka Husband) to completely FREAK OUT (and possibly think it’s a snake)
• Cause neighbor man to jump out of pool faster than his wife (and later claim he was “getting to higher ground to see what it was.”  Yeah right, pansy.)
• Cause Kate to try to RUN AWAY IN FOUR FEET OF WATER.  Kate does not move fast in water.
• Latch on to tall dark thing’s  back with claws and hang on tight as tall dark thing flails and screams in pool, still not sure what is attached to his back
• Finally realize tall dark thing is not a way out of pool, and most likely the surest way to death.
• Let go of tall dark thing
• Swim away very fast as humans laugh themselves into hysterics
• Swim towards trap door in side of pool
• Realize this is not a good idea and is next surest way to death
• Spend the next half an hour narrowly escaping hilarious human attempts to save from death by pool chemicals
• Finally succumb to capture in small cooler
• Freak out and jump all over inside of cooler making loud thudding noises, causing humans to laugh uncontrollably
• Escape from cooler and then hang out near a tree
• End humans desire to be in pool for very long time.

I wish I’d had a video camera.  In fairness to my poor husband, if that toad had jumped on MY back, I would have shat myself.  He just jumped and yelled a lot.  And we all abandoned him to deal with the toad by himself.  He is very brave.  And now we need our own pool.