I have come to the realization that I’m a total snob. I’ve tried to deny it for years, but it’s true.

I think I’m better than a lot of people. I also think I’m smarter.

There. I’ve publically said it. And now the world knows I’m a snob.

I have this problem where I have no poker face. Every emotion I have shows clearly in my eyes. So when someone I think is an idiot starts saying idiotic things to me, que readable face, and the whole world knows. I’ve obviously known about that for a long time, but I’ve tried to be more conscious of it, and other people’s reactions to it. In doing that, I’ve discovered that I spend about 80% of my life giving people the “seriously, did you just say that out loud” look. And people notice. And I’m pretty sure everyone I interact with thinks I’m the world’s biggest brat.

Around my girlfriends, it doesn’t matter so much, because we’re all known for sort of . . . saying what we think around each other. We used to make each other apologize when we thought we said something funny that clearly wasn’t. We’re all sarcastic and love to banter, so when in their company, I am safe to make whatever face I please. Plus, I don’t think I’m smarter or cooler than any of my friends, so they are free from my snobbish judgments. They are all amazing and I aspire to be a little like each of them.

My family is the worst. We have sort of an “eat or be eaten” mentality and we prey on the weak. We gang up on the weakling of any group and divide and conquer. So around my family, we pretty much treat everyone like an idiot until proven otherwise. I blame my Dad. He’s Mr. Intimidation and loves making people uncomfortable by treating them like they are less than him. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family, and once you’ve shown you can hold your own, praise is abundant. You just have to hold your own . . . and most people don’t want to. We’re one of the most fun families you’ll ever find in the world . . . but we’re also the most harsh and critical. It’s a double edged sword that I have learned to appreciate.

I was raised to have great self esteem. I always thought I was prettier, skinnier, funnier, smarter and all in all greater than I probably ever have been or will be. I go through life with confidence, knowing I can accomplish the things I want to achieve. I AM smart. I AM beautiful. I AM funny. I am a lot of great things, I’m not going to lie about that. I just need to be careful not to let my self confidence stomp on other people. Knowing I’m smart doesn’t make me the end-all of knowledge. Being attractive doesn’t give me the right to walk around like I own the world. Being successful at my job doesn’t give me the right to be disrespectful to someone struggling to make ends meet. I’m not saying I intentionally behave that way . . . but I’ve caught myself in the bad behaviors a lot lately. And it’s making me uncomfortable.

I try to be a nice person. I have a kind heart, I am never intentionally cruel to anyone. I’m fun to be around, I love to laugh and I love fiercely and protectively . . . I just don’t tolerate dumb idiocy very well and it’s getting harder and harder to be part of my “inner circle.” I am trying to be more aware of my attitudes and behaviors. I try ask myself the questions “who am I to judge who is smart and who is stupid? Who am I to think I’m better than anyone?” My new life goal to be more humble, more grateful, more generous, more forgiving, more understanding. I’m going to need a lot of help. I just have to humble myself enough to ask God for that help and then accept whatever comes my way, because we all know asking God for humility can really come back to kick you in the butt. Yet, I’m asking for it. Humble is what I’m going to be.

It’s just hard when I’m so freaking awesome. (KIDDING! Seriously.)