May 20th, 2008 by Kateastrophe

Woah, so sorry this is so late. I’ve sort of been having an affair with my Wii. And now it hurts to type because I totally threw out my arm. Awesome. Ha.

For anyone who played this week, leave your link in the Mr. Linky so we can all read your fun soapy tales! Sorry it took so long. Brillig is moving and her life is a little insane, and we forgot to coordinate. Let’s assume I’m hosting every week until sweet Brill can get moved and calm her life down a bit, k? If any of you want to host, lemme know and I’ll put you in the calendar!

Don’t know what the crap I’m talking about? The rules for Soap Opera Sunday are here. We’d love you to play! Also, remember that we have an anonymous soapy site for those of you who want to play but don’t want anyone to know who you are!! That site is here.

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Ok, to review, at this point in my saga I’ve been “dating” Richard for about a year or so. I’m attempting to get over him by going out on other dates. Last week, you met Dominic, suicidal psycho extraordinaire. Through our lovely interaction, I was introduced to Dominic’s friend Chris, via phone. And now you’re caught up.

Chris and I talked on the phone for a few days and he decided to drive from his home a few hours away and take me out on a date. He seemed really cool and really down to earth so I was excited to meet him. The Saturday of our date rolled around and as I was getting ready, I got a phone call.

“Hey Kate, it’s Chris. I sort of hate to ask this, but can you drive tonight? My car is a mess and it’s not working very well either. I’d hate for you to get dirty and for us to have a breakdown.”

I agreed and thought nothing of it. I drove over to his friend’s apartment and called him from outside. He came down the stairs and I was, within seconds, no longer excited for our date. He looked NOTHING like his description of himself. He was totally bald, had horrible teeth, was dressed in a ratty old t-shirt and jeans, and just looked downright white trash. I already knew this night was not going to go very well.

He got in the car and said he had fun plans for us, in Salt Lake. An hour away. In my car. With my gas. Sigh. OK, off we went. As I drove he talked NON-STOP. I seriously couldn’t get a word in. AND, I know it wasn’t interesting because all that I remember was that he wouldn’t shut up. I can’t remember anything about what he said in the car.

We arrived at the restaurant, which was the best part of the evening. It was a darling Cajun restaurant that I had never heard of before. We had to wait about fifteen minutes for our table, so we went and got sodas at the bar. Again, he just kept talking and I kept zoning out. We finally sat down at our table and the first thing I noticed is that we were practically sitting in the laps of the people next to us. It was one of those places where the entire wall is a bench and then the tables are arranged in front of it . . . so yeah, mui close to the table next to us. This proved to be extremely embarrassing for me, as we sat down and my date, thinking to entertain me, said the most inappropriate thing I’ve ever heard on a date. (And I apologize to my readers in advance and am dreading the searches I will get for what I’m about to tell you all.)

He looked across the table at me and, very seriously, said “Wanna see my straw ejaculate?”

Uhhhhhhhh

Without any prompting from me, he proceeded to do just what he said. I’ll let you use your imaginations as to how it happened.

I almost choked to death on my Diet Coke, and the woman next to me just stared, slack jawed.

I tried to pretend it never happened and continued with dinner, now trying to think of a way out of the rest of the evening, which was to include mini race cars. I couldn’t think of anything! I was the driver, so I couldn’t just ditch him in Salt Lake. I’m mean, but I’m not that mean!!

About halfway through dinner, Chris stood up and loudly announced that he was “going to the urinal to make a gold deposit, then flush it down.” No lie. Those were his exact words. Again, I was speechless and the woman next to me was slack jawed. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. When Chris got back I excused myself to go to the restroom and called my best friend Julia. I told her she HAD to do something to get me out of this date. She, being the genius that she is, text messaged me (thank heaven for cell phones and text messages) about ten minutes later that her fiancé had called off the wedding and she needed me right that minute. Me, being the outstanding actress that I am, played this off perfectly and, almost in tears, convinced Chris that I had to go be with Julia.

It was the perfect plan. I drove him back to his friend’s apartment like a bat out of hell and then went to Julia’s house, where we proceeded to watch Blue Crush and have a great girls night. Chris tried to call me for weeks afterward. Thank goodness for caller ID. I never spoke to him again. About three weeks after our “date” I got a message from him that said “Listen, Kate. If you had a bad time just tell me. Why do girls always do this to me? It’s not fair.”

Yeah, buddy. I can’t imagine why girls always do that to you. Moron.

Once again, the disaster that was Richard wasn’t looking so very bad.