A Letter
April 15th, 2008 by Kateastrophe
Dear Super Engineer and Cubemate,
When they first announced you were moving to my little pod of cubes, I was excited to get to know you. You seemed like the world’s nicest guy. I thought maybe sitting near someone as obviously brilliant as you are might rub off on my blondeness. I thought we could be friends and you’d feel less awkward around the office. heard rumors of how difficult it is to sit near you but I thought people were just being rude and not trying to get to know you. I thought I just needed to give you a try and be nice to you and all would be well in the world.
So far . . . it’s not going so well.
Your non-stop comments about my approach to sales calls WHILE I AM ON SAID SALES CALLS is about to drive me to drink. I know what I’m doing. I’m good at my job. I’m SUPPOSED to get clients interested in our product, not scare them away with technical mumbo-jumbo. Also? THEY CAN HEAR YOU. They keep asking me “what was that?” after you’ve made some smarta** remark. You need to stop right now before I’m forced to jump over the cube and punch you in the neck. You sit in the Sales & Marketing Department. We talk to clients. You develop software for clients. CLIENTS PAYS DA BILLS. Capiche?
Another thing . . . the whole mumbling to yourself all day thing is a little disconcerting. It’s just loud enough that all of us around you think you’re talking to us. Then you get offended when we interrupt your train of thought. There’s a reason people refer to an INNER monologue. It’s to be kept INSIDE.
And last but not BY ANY MEANS least, the belching and farting have GOT.TO.STOP. I spend half my day dry heaving as you (loudly and aggressively) let your bodily functions get away from you. I don’t care if you have a medical condition or if it’s just from those damn energy drinks and 64 oz jugs of Diet Coke you drink. It’s not normal. It’s also not normal to not at least ATTEMPT to stifle the noises or at the VERY least, say excuse me. I’m not sure if you’ve noticed but there are OTHER PEOPLE ON THE PLANET. Specifically, people like me who are forced to sit near you eight hours a day.
Already today I’ve counted eight loud belches and two farts. IN LESS THAN AN HOUR. It’s all I can do not to vomit, yell at you or open a vein and end it for myself already. However, I hate vomiting, I’d like to live, and yelling at you would be a mistake since, during the last four years, I’ve seen two people fired for yelling at you. It seems you belched some sort of magical powers onto the upper management of the company or something because you’re untouchable. Either that or no one wants to come near the stench.
And you just burped again. SERIOUSLY???? This has got to stop. Or one of us has GOT to move. Or get a new job.
Sincerely,
The girl trying not to upchuck and/or kill you from the cube next door
- Posted in Some People Suck, Givin' it to the "Man"
April 15th, 2008 at 11:33 am
well, if yelling at him will get you fired, let’s hope neither he nor upper management read your blog.
but seriously… so awful. so disgusting. so glad i work from home.
April 15th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
holyyyyyyy cow…I don’t know how ya don’t throttle him…your restraint is impressive to me.
Hang in there.
April 15th, 2008 at 5:14 pm
Seriously disgusting! You poor thing, a belching, farting, know-it-all weirdo! You have my sympathies.
April 15th, 2008 at 9:20 pm
Sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssick. I don’t know how you have survived for so long. I’m sure all your silky shirts are starting to shrink up due to the moist stink in the air. You heard me - moist. I am sending a gas mask to you, along with some new shirts.
April 15th, 2008 at 10:46 pm
That is soooo freaking repulsive!!!
Is there an electrical outlet in his cubicle? Maybe you could plug in one of those Airwick air fresheners in his cubicle, and if he doesn’t get the hint, then at least his bodily smells won’t be as potent. Or maybe you and all the non decency-challenged people in the area should team up and agree to burp and fart all day until HE gets grossed out, or gets the message.
And, yes, I’m perfectly aware of how immature and passive aggressive these solutions are.
April 16th, 2008 at 3:49 am
Nas. Tee.
I am SO sorry you have to deal with that. That totally beats Snot Boy and the Cackling Crow at my office. (Snot boy blows out his nose instead of just normally breathing. I, too, have been driven to violent urges when trying to deal with this. The Cackling Crow is a heavy, HEAVY smoker with the most annoying laugh in the world and thinks my other neighbor is HA-larious. She makes me want to punch my own throat. Or ears.)
But yeah…You win in the “Worst Office-Mate” Contest. Hurrah.
April 16th, 2008 at 6:28 am
Ooooh no. Report him to HR. Seriously. Get him outta there!
April 16th, 2008 at 7:03 am
Eeeewww. That’s just rude. I mean, there needs to be some manners in a workplace. And I can’t imagine how hard it is to talk to clients when someone is mouthing off behind you.
I agree with Molly… bring it up to human resources.
April 16th, 2008 at 10:10 am
HAHAHHAHA! HAHAHAHAHA ! HHAHAHA! A HAHAH! A HAHA! Ahem.
April 16th, 2008 at 11:05 am
oh kate. this made me laugh out loud and groan for you in sympathy at the same time…which was actually kind of painful.
i hope you can work it out. could you i don’t know get him some tums anonymously and leave them on his desk with a big red bow? he might take the hint.
then again, he doesn’t seem like the sharpest tool in the shed, so…maybe not.
April 17th, 2008 at 7:02 am
oh yikes…yikes yikes yikes.
April 17th, 2008 at 8:34 pm
“Belched some sort of magical powers onto the upper management”– yes, I think you just might have killed me with disgusting hilarity. Kate, this is your life. Think of the most bizarre situation someone could be in, and, Ka-POW, it happens to you. Hhahahahahaha. Good grief, woman. This guy is so icky-yuck, but SUCH great blog-fodder.
April 18th, 2008 at 6:49 am
I wish I could have written a letter to MY workmate that caused me turmoil. But mine knows I have a blog and I didn’t want to chance him finding out. Instead, I wrote about it on a forum I belong to.
He was “mr. touchy-feely guy”. I’m married, and so is he.
Just like your next post- it seems the moment I put my “I want this to STOP” feelings ‘out there’, he suddenly was placed on a project in a different building and THEN, he got a new job in another state.
I kid you not. This ball started rollling the day after I wrote about it.
Shout outs to whomever is listening to us, eh?