How Do You Find Words?
March 5th, 2008 by Kateastrophe
You get a call and the person on the other line says “I have bad news . . . I don’t even know how to say this.”
They start out by telling you that one of your dear friends and his wife were blessed with the birth of a new baby girl last Monday and that according to everyone, she was a perfect little angel. They go on to tell you that the Friday after she was born, her mother started to worry because she wasn’t eating well and wasn’t behaving normally. She took her to the doctor and was told to rush the baby to the hospital. A few hours later, the baby was gone . . . it was an infection of some sort in her blood.
She was five days old.
There are no words.
Today, for the first time in three years, I spoke to the parents of the baby. I had no idea what to say. How do you tell someone you grieve with them when you have no idea what their loss feels like? How do you express your sorrow when you’ve never experienced anything like it? They were so sweet and understanding of my stammering, awkward condolences. So grateful for the words I could come up with. I am in awe of their strength and kindness and resilience.
I will be at the funeral services this Friday. I’m sure finding words then will be even more difficult then than it was over the phone today. It will feel especially strange because of how long it’s been since I saw them. It’s sad to think that it’s tragedy that brings us together after so long, yet I don’t feel too badly about it because I believe that this is exactly what God gave us friends for. To be there for the good times, yes, but more importantly, to be there for the bad. Even if a million other people are there, all closer to my friend than I, I’m glad that he will see my face in the crowd and know that I care. I believe that says more than words.
- Posted in In all Seriousness
March 5th, 2008 at 10:22 am
Oh my. My thoughts go out to you to give you strength to get through this, and of course to the parents who suffered such a tremendous loss. I’m so sorry.
Thank you lovely. I appreciate your thoughts and love you to pieces.
March 5th, 2008 at 11:28 am
I’m so sorry for this terrible loss. You are so right that what’s most important isn’t what you’ll say at the funeral, but that you’ll be there for them. Truthfully, I know I’m in the minority in this belief, but I don’t think anyone can know what another person’s loss feels like even if they themselves have suffered a similar loss. Maybe one can imagine or speculate what the loss feels like to the other person, but no two people can experience the same thing the same way. And even if you could know exactly what your friends’ loss feels like, what more could you do with that? Nothing, besides being there for them, which you can and are doing without having that knowledge.
I know I’ve rambled, and I’m scared to even read this over to see if I said anything intelligible, but my point is that I hope you don’t worry so much about not finding words on Friday. . . the most eloquent condolences can’t alleviate the pain of such a tremendous loss.
I don’t see any rambling. I appreciate your words and echo your beliefs on the matter. Thank you.
March 5th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
You’re right; there are no words. Ugh, what agony; my heart goes out to them.
I know. It’s so sad.
March 5th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
What an absolute tragedy. I’m so sorry for your friend’s loss, and I think they are extremely lucky to have you in their life. I hope they have many more equally amazing friends to help them through this tough time.
March 5th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
Oh how sad. I’m so sorry for their loss. I can’t imagine how anyone gets through something like that. I agree, though, that words probably aren’t even necessary. I don’t think there’s anything you CAN say, really. A hug, a smile, a shoulder– that’s what you can give. And knowing you, that’s exactly what you’ll do. And they will be eternally grateful for your presence there. Good luck, babe. What an awful situation.
March 5th, 2008 at 3:00 pm
So tragic. I’m so sorry for their loss. There just aren’t any words for a situation like that.
March 5th, 2008 at 8:01 pm
I agree with Brillig. We want so bad to take away some of the pain, but really we are mostly powerless to do what only time may provide. Our attempts at consoling probably feel more flaccid than they really are, but maybe not by much. What can we do other than simply take our turn passing with them through their “vale of tears”? And hope someone is there when we too are called to pass through our own…
March 5th, 2008 at 8:58 pm
I am so sorry for your friend’s loss. They will be in my thoughts and prayers…of course, there really are no words…but I am sure they appreciate your support.
March 6th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
Hi Kate — Brillig’s old friend/roomie here…
Your post called out to me because this is the exact thing that happened to my family. My little brother, trouble eating at 4 days, and he passed away right after arriving at the hospital. They said he had rare blood infection (they think he got it in the hospital when he was born).
A lot of people I think don’t say anything because they don’t know what to say in situations like this, and it’s true that no one knows how it feels for each individual, but I think that acknowledgement of their suffering is important. Something that we see as an event is an on-going fact of life that they forever-more live with.
My mom can still have a hard time at that time of year, even after so much time has passed. But the one thing that has made a big difference to her is being able to go back and read the simple cards of sympathy that were sent to her. It meant a great deal to her then, and still does now, even if they didn’t know what to say. So I think a thoughtful card could definitely help.
March 7th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
There are no words. Hugs to you and your friends. xoxo
March 10th, 2008 at 5:55 am
I hope everything went alright for you this weekend. All she needs is you to be there, and you are! Your a good friend!