September 2nd, 2007 by Kateastrophe
Welcome to Soap Opera Sunday! I struggled all week trying to figure out which soapy story to tell you this week and I decided that this one was very fitting and very funny. It is one of many dates from hell that I had over the years, but it’s one that stands out.
It was one of the summers I was “between” rounds with my boyfriend of two years (it happened both summers during our relationship). This particular summer I’d had enough of him and wanted to date other people, so I did, and it lead to some of the STRANGEST dates I’d ever had. Actually, part of the reason I went back to the lame boyfriend was because the summer was filled with so many odd guys that they made even the jerk-hole I was dating seem like a prince.
This particular date from hell actually stemmed from another date from hell who’s story I will tell eventually, but not now. Let’s just say that the first date from hell was trying to convince me to do something I didn’t want to do so he had his friend, who I’d never met, call me and try to talk me into it. The friend’s name was Chris and over the phone, we actually hit it off rather well. Not exactly what date from hell #1 was hoping for, but what can you do? I am just that charming (*wink*)
We talked a few times and finally decided we should go out. He lived a few hours away so he drove down to Provo where I was living so we could go out. He wanted to go to a restaurant in Salt Lake that had been recommended to him and then go drive go-carts. Sounded like fun to me!
Well, the evening started off a little strangely. I got a call from him about 30 minutes before he was supposed to pick me up and he told me that he didn’t feel like driving because his car was dirty and asked me if I could drive. Now, it seemed a little odd that he didn’t just CLEAN HIS CAR, but I’m sort of a pushover so I just said I’d drive.
I pulled into the apartment complex where he was staying and he was sitting on the stairs. Let’s just say that he had not really described himself accurately. He was totally bald, short, scrawny and kind of weird looking. “Ah crap.” I thought to myself. “What did I just get myself into?”
We drove to Salt Lake, conversing well enough. He seemed a little . . . odd, but nothing scary or super weird.
We got to the restaurant, about 45 minutes away. It was a cute little Cajun place I’d never heard of and it had tons of personality and the food looked delicious. The only weird thing was the seating arrangement where we had been seated. They had basically put one looooong booth seat against one wall and lined tables along it. Very.close.togther.tables. It sort of felt like you were sharing a table with the party next to you. You could practically read the menus of the tables next to you.
As we sat down the conversation turned more and more strange. He started talking about his sexual escapades (keep in mind that I was and remain a very conservative, Mormon girl.) and other strange things like his days of doing drugs and what he had done whilst stoned out of his mind. Keep in mind that on either side of us were tables filled with perfect strangers. Who could absolutely hear everything we were saying.
That was strike one.
At this point our sodas arrived and he said “wanna see something cool!?” In my head I’m thinking “anything to get you to shut up about your sex life, pal.” So naturally I said “sure!”
“I can make my straw ejaculate.”
I nearly spit out my soda. In Utah, I’m not sure it’s legal to say that word out loud. EVER.
Then he started . . . vigorously pumping his straw in and out of his soda. I’m sure at this point my eyes were bugging out of my head and I was purple with embarrassment. Then, sure enough, soda exploded out of the top of the straw and he laughed, applauded at how clever he was and said “I told you I could make my straw ejaculate!”
Oh.
My.
Gosh.
Strike.FREAKING.TWO. And three, four, five and six.
At this point I excused myself to go to the restroom. I locked myself in the stall and I called my best friend, Julia.
“Jewels, you have GOT TO SAVE ME OH MY GOSH THIS GUY IS SO WEIRD.” I was SO grateful I had driven and had the power to get myself the heck out of there. We devised a plan that if he did anything else stupid, I would send her a text message and then Jewels would send me a text message that her fiance had just broken up with her and she was devastated. Then I would promptly drive him home and never speak to him again.
I should have had her do it immediately, but hey, free food right?!
As soon as our meal came (so worth it, seriously it was the best Jumbalaya I’ve ever tasted) Chris said “Excuse me for a second, I need to go make a gold deposit in the urinal and then flush it down.”
People, I am not kidding you. That is WORD for WORD exactly what he said. I was MORTIFIED. I am sure, to this day, that the people around us were judging ME for every word this freak show said.
As soon as he was out of site I sent a text message to Jewels to implement the plan and set my phone on the table on vibrate. About the time he came back my phone vibrated.
“Kate I need you. Cody just called off the wedding. I know you’re on a date but can you please please please come be with me? Everyone else is out of town and I shouldn’t be alone”
She is a genius folks.
Naturally I HAD to be with my friend at a time like this! I showed Chris the message and told him we had to go RIGHT NOW. I frantically told stories of how crazy Julia got when she was dumped and how this was even worse because she was ENGAGED (none of it true of course. SO grateful he’d never met Julia!) I was driving like a freak show, as fast as I could to my devastated friend’s side. I practically kicked him out of the car and raced over to Julia’s where we laughed all night at how clever we were.
He tried to call me ten times that night and didn’t stop calling for almost two months. The guy just WOULDN’T give up! Thank heavens for caller ID! Sadly, I don’t think to this day he has any idea what he did wrong. Poor idiot.
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If you don’t know the rules and want to know how to play along, check hither.
